So if you’ve read any of my ooc posts lately, you know I have a lot of life stuff going on. I said yesterday that I would be seeing my dad today, but instead it’ll be on Saturday.
I’ve also just found out that he’s got a tube down his throat and an iv being attached so they can feed him intravenously.
I just... I know that entire side thinks I’m some sort of monster for not feeling all that bad about not being there, but this is a man who has dedicated his whole life to controlling mine, to emotionally abusing me to the point where (as early as seven years old,) I couldn’t even agree to go to other kids’ birthday parties if they fell on his allotted visitation time, because of the guilt he’d lay on me.
He’s the reason I have phone anxiety (when I was six, he called after getting surgery on his knee and wept over the phone to me about how bad it had been. I was convinced he was dying). This man has spent all of his energy keeping me feeling guilty for wanting to have my own friends and spending time with my mom’s side of the family.
This is the man who molested me when I was two and got away with it with barely a mark on him, because he managed to pass a polygraph test and he’s charming. And anyone who has met him is immediately charmed by him, so when I mention most of these things, the response I get is that he “means well”.
My father is not a good person. He is not a good dad. He was not a good husband to my mother. I got to the point where I don’t show any kind of real emotion to him or anyone in that family, because for years he would brush my fears and anxiety, even legitimate pain off with “Stop the drama”.
The first time I cried in front of him after nearly ten years, mostly over the stress I had at college, he didn’t support me, or tell me things would be okay, he told me “You know, I’m actually happy to see you cry, because you’re usually like a robot with no emotion.”
I spent twenty years trying to please him, trying to bend to his every demand, until I realized what he’d done to me. And I’m done with feeling guilty over the fact that I have responsibilities that are more important than him. I’m tired of trying to put him above everything and everyone.
And yes, even though he’s in the hospital and “his spirits are down”, I have responsibilities here that are more demanding. I have other priorities. He’s being taken care of there, he’s not in imminent danger, he’s got literally everyone else in the family there with him. I’m finished with putting myself out for him when he won’t do the same for me on a good day.
I’m done. And if that makes me a bad person, then fine, maybe I am. But I’m tired of making myself sick and worrying over a grown ass man who has a wife and two fully capable stepdaughters who he actually respects. And I know for a fact (because it’s happened before) that if I was sick in the hospital, not one of them would compromise their own comfort, or move their schedules around for me.
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