forever blueming

an anxious mess. always in my head so i write about it

[everbluem]

writing tags

#spilled ink (all poems/writing) · #excerpt from a book i'll never write (romantic, sappy) · #raw (mental health) · #thoughts (personal reflecting, non-poetic)

music listening activity: last.fm

before you follow: I post in batches, mostly original content. personal blog, personal content. time posted may differ from time written (ie publishing old posts).

[everbluem]

I’m just so tired of having to try

[everbluem]

I’m not really doing well and I don’t know how to be better

[everbluem]

I want so badly to exist,

Without trying so hard to be seen

Letting myself be who I am,

Without filtering what I mean

Waiting for people to notice me,

Being cautious, reading signs

Pretending that I’m fine alone,

Hoping somebody would be kind

[everbluem]

In the midst of everything, I’m grateful for somebody who doesn’t make me seem crazy when I explain how things hurt me or how they make me feel.

In a world that fuels my avoidance, it’s nice to have somebody who doesn’t make me want to run.

Atleast, is somebody I can run to instead of away from.

[everbluem]

I’m grieving potential friendships

People I idealized being closer to

And people it was just so easy to be with

[everbluem]

I wish I didn’t have to live life according to not making my dad mad.

Not in a safety way, but rather for the sake of keeping the peace and being mindful on how that carries over into my both my dad’s own physical health and mom’s mental health.

I hate how I have to let the anger have its way, even though it’s so inconsiderate to talk to me like that, for the sake of things not getting worse.

When I’m not even doing anything harmful to anyone else. I’m just existing, trying to survive.

Just not at the expectations of my dad and he’s hurting himself, getting angry over it

[everbluem]

Definitely an odd experience to be writing depressing vent poems and then getting scam bot engagement immediately after

[everbluem]

Of course I’ve learned to hate myself,

When I was only praised when I did my best

Trying was never good enough,

It was never enough to just exist

So when life had knocked me off my feet,

At my lowest of lows

Of course I learned to be ashamed,

To hide away, so nobody would know

I want so badly to exist,

Without performance, without conditions

To just be happy that I’m alive,

Even without success or ambition

[everbluem]

I just want some proof that I can be liked.

That I can be loved.

[everbluem]

I don’t think it’s normal for family to make you so sad

No wonder I’m avoidant

[everbluem]

I praise myself for not reacting

Being numb

Not making things worse

And then moments pass by

Playing the words back on repeat

Eyes start to water, my nose starts to sting

I don’t want to cry

I don’t want to admit that I’m hurt

I don’t want to be so affected by somebody so willing

To cut me down in the dirt

[everbluem]

I just wish I could just have friends in one place, comfortably

It’s hard enough even making friends or friendly company- but having to split up between groups because of drama or people not getting along really gets in my head about where do I really belong.

I’m not outside of that either … it’s hard for me to be around some people and it’s such a drag

[everbluem]

Guests coming over and it’s my worst nightmare.

I don’t want to be seen today

[everbluem]

It’s so suffocating living like this

I feel like I can’t breath

[everbluem]

It’s a weird thing, being aware of how uncomfortable somebody makes you feel. And now I’m looking into everything they say.

It makes me feel guilty because I would hate if somebody felt that way about me. But they just come off as … so judgmental. Falsely supportive. Using blunt as a mask for mean.

But I don’t think that’s totally the case. They have good intention and don’t want to seem that way. But I can’t help but feel so bothered by being in the same spaces as them, tired of feeling offended or unsafe or too sensitive,

And it almost makes me mad to see them present themselves as soft, social, supportive. It doesn’t feel right.

[everbluem]

Lately I’ve been wondering if my tendency to pull away has made myself seem uncaring somehow.

As a result, being seen as not as likeable or preferred company. Unable to connect with people or unwilling to, so maybe they feel like they’re better off without me.

And I know it’s not completely in my head because I’ve heard it echoed back at me. “Well, no offense, but you’re never here.” “It’s not like you’re interested in being close to us.”

I guess there’s some truth to it but it’s not like I don’t care. I just don’t know how to offer up any more than me. I don’t feel safe to.

Sometimes I feel like I’m so hyper aware of somebody else getting annoyed at another for oversharing or trauma dumping or talking too much. For being self-centered, for their kind of humor, for getting offended.

And I … I don’t know how to exist among that. I’m trying hard to be liked. And at the very least, I know I’m not doing any of those “offenses.” But it bites me back because now I’m not sharing at all, being unable to connect to, forgettable, foreign, and unwelcome.

I don’t know when things got so hard.