So...
Loss.. regret.. pain
I always thought i understood those words... im an adult .. with all the trappings house kids relationships big boy job all of it
Then it all fell apart over 5 years ago So i kinda thought id see what was going on in the world i wasnt looking for anyone or looking for love i was just drifting looking for god knows what..but people did pop into my life .. and well one really really incredible woman
grew to live inside my heart and true .. i mean true love took root..even though id lived a full life by this point i realized i had never really been in love.. it took me a lifetime to know what real love was
We were so compatible.. emotionally psychologically sexually in everyway she got me you know ..snd im not easy to get im pretty much an idiot but she used to say i was her idiot she was so beautiful we loved the same stupid movies and music we both felt better when it rained we needed each other..we shared all of darkest secrets our biggest fears all our dreams we shared it all ...i wanted to see the world with her to go through all the highs and all the struggles... i truly just adored her
It was scream from the rooftops kind of love...months spilled over to years..it was all we both could want but again that life i had lived was like an anchor i couldnt detach ..money houses kids... my kids .. sigh i was so scared of losing them even though there wasnt a physical or emotional moment id shared with anyone but her for years
So i dragged my feet ... i was deeply in love but didnt know how to change things it was so unfair to her i had lied about the dumbest things i really was a coward even though i was working to break free ..i was the one who took the most care of my boys .. but unfortunately for most men you cant up and leave like most woman can.. so i was scared
She lost paitience understandably she had enough and she removed herself from my life ...she had to
All i ever wanted i had finally found... im a mush and love means it all to me sbove everything and i let it slip sway
Now well now its all grey ..im free ready to move on but shes gone i took too long hurt her too much...so i live with a pit in my stomach ..every song every movie everything is associsted with her and brings me to tears ..snd i cant have her.. i dont know how to fill this void... its funny im a big guy some may say even intimidating but ive been reduced to nothing...i numb myself to sleep i dont eat i drink too much im not being the dad i should be..but all i csn think about is her ..her eyes her smell..her voice.. she has a daughter who i so wanted to be a father to and I lost that as well...
Its all gone .. ive never written snything like this.. usually i would giggle at those who did ... im still not sure why im writing this..maybe to vent in a different way..maybe actually typing the words will be cathartic i dont know ..
now i need to either find a way to pull myself togetger or continue my slow fade...
In the end id like to thank her still for at least allowing me to feel the love i knew was out there...and to apologize for any pain id caused her ... ill love her forever
I tried .. i did i really did i never did snything maliscious or mean i just made too many bad choices
Pain.. loss.. regret ... i understand them now and will hold them in me forever i guesss i deserve it... and i wish i knew how to move on... but i have no idea