tuqburni

[everythinghereisfaux]

What Lies Ahead

"What lies ahead?" I asked her

"Second word of your question" she answered.

Her name is Ai, she told me it's a Chinese word which means love. It fits her perfectly because Ai is a girl you can easily fell inlove to. Like there's nothing about her one cant love. She has a picturesque face, which features a very kissable lips, well pointed nose and a set of starry eyes. I love everything about that face but i love more her eyes, they feel like home every damn time i looked at her. Almost everything about her physical features is perfect if not only for that broken smile.

I found what Adam Levine was looking for, a girl with a broken smile. I found her on a place Rihanna described as a hopeless one. I found love in a hopeless place. I found Ai in a hopeless place.

Behind her beautiful face is a dark tragic story. She grew up on a broken family, what's worse was, she was the reason behind the falling or that's what she keeps on saying. Although for me, a family could only be broken if the couple who swear to God to stay together forever, broke that oath. But I can't convince Ai that she's not the reason. She's embraced already what other people called her, the "0own home wrecker".

It happened when her father who was then high on drugs almost raped her. Her mom was working abroad by that time. When Ai escaped she told her uncle about the incident but he didnt believe her, no one in his father's side did. So she decided to go on the run till she reached Manila where some of her mother's relatives live. They believed her so they went back to Batangas to get her other siblings. That was when everything turned sour, she was painted by her father's side as a liar, a whore, and a story-maker. That she only made up the story so she can go on the run with her boyfriend by that time, Kram. He betrayed Ai by siding with the father's version of story. To make it short, her siblings continue to live with her father, while her mother who went back home chose to just move on and live with another man.

The suffering went all to Ai. She blamed herself for what happened. She keeps on thinking that if she only let her father, her family will still be whole, which is of course straight bullshit. Now Ai hate herself especially with the thought of what her father couldve done to her youngest sister. But she cant do anything, she's still studying and living with her mom and stepdad. She doesnt have the money to get back her siblings and provide them their needs. All she has was her past.

I got to know almost everything about her when I met her on a support group for suicidal people. Months ago, Ive been so stressed and depressed I thought of ending my life. I told my most trusted friend about it and she set me up immediately for consultation. Then my psychiatrist told me to join this support group. I couldnt have been more thankful, because it's been 9 months and Im doing better than I ever was. Ive found new friends within the group, most especially, I found love in what people call as a hopeless place.

I became so close to Ai for the past 9 months that's there nothing about her I dont know and vice versa. We became really comfortable opening up to each other about our painful past, how we stay hopeful for the present and be a whole lot better for the future. Days passed and I realized, Im already in love with her. And it pained me everytime I see her in pain, if only there's some way to ease her from her ugly past. For her to heal and be comfortable to feel again.

On our tenth month in the group, she announced that she'll be leaving. Her aunt who's living already in America wants her to live with her there. She chose to agree for she knows she will have a better future there which hopefully can help her to get her siblings back one day.

After the talk within the group, after she said her goodbye to other members turned into friends, we went on the rooftop and talk:

"What lies ahead?" I asked her

"Second word to your question" she answered.

I smiled sadly and said back, "I hope one day you get the truth and the justice that needs to be served"

She smiled back, again a broken one, and told me, "I'm not hoping anymore, I'm just gonna do it, maybe not now, but one day"

Then we hugged, I hugged her tightly but I didnt say a word. The moment seemed too perfect for words to matter. All I know was Im happy that somehow she became optimistic and even braver than she was months ago.

I didnt tell her I love her. I thought my actions were enough for her to know. Plus, I know Ai doesnt need a lover when she cant even love herself. I remember when she told me her name is such an irony, for all her life, all she knew was hatred.

So after the hug, I just told her to take care and Im gonna miss her. I told her I'll be writing her a letter every now and then.

She smiled at me, this time, it's not broken but a hopeful one. She didnt say a word as we went down hand in hand. But I can feel it, and somehow, that was enough.

[everythinghereisfaux]

Lies of July

I had everything Ive ever wanted, all at once. Stable career with a nice salary and benefits, good old friends, new found friends, ever suppportive family and an even more supportive girlfriend. I couldnt ask for more, problems seem to be a thing of the past.

Ive only been to my new work for about a month and it's been surprisingly good. Although there were tough times, I was able to handle them well, or so I thought. Then when Im off, it's even better, I had money to spend on things I love. So I went out with my friends one weekend after another. I didnt hear any complain from my family because my salary then can meet their needs and my wants. And of course, there's my girlfriend of 8 months, I cant believe we could last that long especially we're on LDR. But I guessed when 2 inlove people want to work it out, they can, or so I thought again.

It was July 2001, the most perfect month Ive ever had in my nearly 22 years of existence. Everything seems to be falling into place like nothing could ever gone wrong.

But of course, life doesnt like that way, of all things being good. Life likes the way of all good things coming to an end. I was wrong when I thought nothing could ever gone wrong again, because after July, August came, and so were pain, realizations, blame, regrets and everything that comes with the end.

First on my workplace, truly new coworkers were only great for a month. Most of them were like free-trials that have expiration. The kindness expired and their true colors appeared. Although it's not everyone, still I found it hard to function on a dysfunctional environment where almost everyone plays both side. It's sickening and tiring, especially on the mental aspect.

Next money, yeah I hate it when money becomes an issue because it seems so shallow. But hey, prices of goods continue to rise while income stays the same. It's hard not to have a financial problem. The money Ive invested in July slowly went to nothing in August. I was bad in investments still I continued to risk. And it costs me almost everything. Luckily enough, one investment turned out well and it's been helping me make ends meet.

If I have financial problem the result will be problems with my family. Ive been called as "bakery winner" by my friends because I provide almost everything for my family. My father died early, my mom's work doesnt pay enough to feed 10 mouths all at the same time. My oldest brother turned to be a douchebag, my youngest brother's still in college. It was only me and my other older sibling that provide most of the needs.

Then good old friends, some disappoint me so much I never talk to them again and I dont plan to do so ever again. Some of them were only there when everything's fine but when the road turns rough, they left, worst even made judgments without even trying to talk to me.

Lastly, my girlfriend. She's my silver lining, she absorbed everything, love and wrath. 8 months of showing and teaching me about patience, trust, perserverance, faith and unconditional love. I was a pain in the ass most of the time but she stayed. Months before almost perfect July, my life was in chaos. No work means no pay which also means more family problems. It was a grueling wait for me to be hired. But she was there, and somehow, it was enough for me to stay sane. I knew she loved me more than anyone else Ive ever known could. Even more than my mom or anyone related by blood. For that, I will forever be grateful.

But like what I said, every good thing must come to an end. I really had a bad way of defense mechanism. I said hurtful things I never really mean. I didnt say things which I truly feel. I lied because I thought lying would be better to spare her from hurt but I realized I just did it to spare myself. I did that to her. Maybe I was so used on losing things that I dont know anymore how to keep them. I was hurting, so I hurt everyone else especially her. I was selfish and she's right when she said that when Im miserable I wanted everyone to be miserable as well. She perfectly sums me up with that. And I was deeply sorry, but it's too late. She's now my ex-girlfriend.

It's now September, she's 2 months gone, bills start to pill up, my mom's morning greeting turned into shouting again and most of my coworkers have lived up to my expectation: cruel and evil. I couldnt believe it sometimes like July seems like a million months ago. Where I felt invincible and extremly happy.

Well, July turned out to be a big lie. All that I thought of that July were all just lies to me now. Truly, F. Scott Fitzgerald was right when he said, "The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."

I felt that, and I'm still feeling it now.

[everythinghereisfaux]

Lies of July

I had everything Ive ever wanted, all at once. Stable career with a nice salary and benefits, good old friends, new found friends, ever suppportive family and an even more supportive girlfriend. I couldnt ask for more, problems seem to be a thing of the past.

Ive only been to my new work for about a month and it's been surprisingly good. Although there were tough times, I was able to handle them well, or so I thought. Then when Im off, it's even better, I had money to spend on things I love. So I went out with my friends one weekend after another. I didnt hear any complain from my family because my salary then can meet their needs and my wants. And of course, there's my girlfriend of 8 months, I cant believe we could last that long especially we're on LDR. But I guessed when 2 inlove people want to work it out, they can, or so I thought again.

It was July 2001, the most perfect month Ive ever had in my nearly 22 years of existence. Everything seems to be falling into place like nothing could ever gone wrong.

But of course, life doesnt like that way, of all things being good. Life likes the way of all good things coming to an end. I was wrong when I thought nothing could ever gone wrong again, because after July, August came, and so were pain, realizations, blame, regrets and everything that comes with the end.

First on my workplace, truly new coworkers were only great for a month. Most of them were like free-trials that have expiration. The kindness expired and their true colors appeared. Although it's not everyone, still I found it hard to function on a dysfunctional environment where almost everyone plays both side. It's sickening and tiring, especially on the mental aspect.

Next money, yeah I hate it when money becomes an issue because it seems so shallow. But hey, prices of goods continue to rise while income stays the same. It's hard not to have a financial problem. The money Ive invested in July slowly went to nothing in August. I was bad in investments still I continued to risk. And it costs me almost everything. Luckily enough, one investment turned out well and it's been helping me make ends meet.

If I have financial problem the result will be problems with my family. Ive been called as "bakery winner" by my friends because I provide almost everything for my family. My father died early, my mom's work doesnt pay enough to feed 10 mouths all at the same time. My oldest brother turned to be a douchebag, my youngest brother's still in college. It was only me and my other older sibling that provide most of the needs.

Then good old friends, some disappoint me so much I never talk to them again and I dont plan to do so ever again. Some of them were only there when everything's fine but when the road turns rough, they left, worst even made judgments without even trying to talk to me.

Lastly, my girlfriend. She's my silver lining, she absorbed everything, love and wrath. 8 months of showing and teaching me about patience, trust, perserverance, faith and unconditional love. I was a pain in the ass most of the time but she stayed. Months before almost perfect July, my life was in chaos. No work means no pay which also means more family problems. It was a grueling wait for me to be hired. But she was there, and somehow, it was enough for me to stay sane. I knew she loved me more than anyone else Ive ever known could. Even more than my mom or anyone related by blood. For that, I will forever be grateful.

But like what I said, every good thing must come to an end. I really had a bad way of defense mechanism. I said hurtful things I never really mean. I didnt say things which I truly feel. I lied because I thought lying would be better to spare her from hurt but I realized I just did it to spare myself. I did that to her. Maybe I was so used on losing things that I dont know anymore how to keep them. I was hurting, so I hurt everyone else especially her. I was selfish and she's right when she said that when Im miserable I wanted everyone to be miserable as well. She perfectly sums me up with that. And I was deeply sorry, but it's too late. She's now my ex-girlfriend.

It's now September, she's 2 months gone, bills start to pill up, my mom's morning greeting turned into shouting again and most of my coworkers have lived up to my expectation: cruel and evil. I couldnt believe it sometimes like July seems like a million months ago. Where I felt invincible and extremly happy.

Well, July turned out to be a big lie. All that I thought of that July were all just lies to me now. Truly, F. Scott Fitzgerald was right when he said, "The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."

I felt that, and I'm still feeling it now.

[everythinghereisfaux]

ἀντίδοτος

She was lonely, and so I was. We started there.

I woke up early, first day of school, but this time around I'm not "the" student, I'm now "the" teacher. I was nervous, it's my first real teaching job.

As planned, I went earlier to my homeroom than the given schedule. I arranged the chairs and practiced what I'm about to say. Students came in, some with parents, others alone. I greeted them with a nervous smile. But as time passed by, I began to relax and finally grasped the reality of being a teacher, in real time, in the real world.

My first day wasnt as memorable as I thought it would be. Days passed by and work became a routine. I missed my college friends, after graduation, even though we're on the same field, we went our separate ways in finding a job. I was brought in a school that bleeds yellow and green.

My stay there would be miserable if not for one person. Most of my colleagues, especially the "veteran" ones made sure to make us, the newbies, feel their seniority and of course, superiority. Which is kinda dumb considering we're all just rank the same there. No one would be promoted for licking the ass of the principal or the school owner. Nevertheless, Ive already perfected in college the art of not caring to what people say or think. Im so used in being alone and a little picky with friends. Im always after quality, not quantity.

I only have one person in the faculty I can consider as my friend, the other newbies were already sucked into the system of pleasing the seniors just to be you know, be "liked" and be "loved" and be "praised". Im not living for those bullshits.

Her name was Joy, she said she was supposed to be named Jolina, after the popular star, but the people whose job is to write down babies' name got it wrong and wrote Joyina instead. So there went the legend of Joy.

She lived up to her name, she's always smiling. She had a face you may not consider pretty on the first look but when you look carefully, you would. She's short but that only suits her aura of being cute. Her smile can warm you like sunshine does.

She's been teaching at the school for 2 years yet she's the first one to approach me. From there we talked and realized we had a lot of things in common. So we became friends. I told her thoughts I never thought I could speak out. She did the same too. As days passed I got to know her story, that behind those smiles was a sad story that life mostly brings.

Aside from couple of similarities, our loneliness was our biggest bond. We relate through our pains and struggles. There were nights I'll be calling her as I was sucked in by the spiral and vice versa.

Someway, somehow, two broken and lonely people met to someway, somehow, fix what's broken and ease the loneliness to happiness. That was what we were to each other, or so I thought.

Everything changed when she needed to go abroad. At first, we were determined to fight all odds: distance, time and gender; yes gender, we're both she. I wrote her letters like I did when she's still here. She wrote back too, giving me details of her life in a foreign country.

But communication through a piece of paper can sometimes turned to be a piece of shit. We would argue over little petty things. We would point fingers who started which. And on times I would be able to call her, since calling overseas was so expensive, we would turn it into a shouting match than say things that truly matter. We got a good 8 months of being away and finding ways. But after that, everything was just too much. We called it quits.

Now, 10 years later, with technology making things, especially communication, easier than before, I can't help but think of what if's and shouldve's. After calling it quits a decade ago, I've never heard anything from her or about her. I tried to search her on different social media but I guess we're too old to do "millenial things".

Maybe not knowing what she had become is destiny's way of saying move on and let go. Which I could say I have done for I've met someone too in that ten-year span. Fortunately, unlike with Joy, she stayed. We're still together and my guts telling me she's the one to be here now, and in the future.

But sometimes, on some days like this, my heart, my damn heart will reminisce and memories will lead me back to the days where I found the antidote to loneliness, and those were the days, I'm with Joy.

[everythinghereisfaux]

i don't like people

except few friends,

some relatives

&& you

[everythinghereisfaux]

My hands are shaking from holding back from you

[everythinghereisfaux]

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep, are you ever dreaming of me?

[everythinghereisfaux]

I can't say anything to your face

Is it chill that I said all that?

I've been practicing everything I wanted to tell you. It's like a script on the climax of a story that was made to be told. For months ever since we met, it's kismet that lead us to be as close as we are right now. And these past few months I have been finding all my courage to spill out how I truly feel towards you.

"Hey I don't want you like a bestfriend"

"Hi, I love you in secret"

"I wanna be your end game, your first string, your A-team"

"Hello, I love you, present tense"

Song lyrics, lines from movies, quotes from my favorite books and my own choice words, still I wasn't able to say to you a single word.

I do know why.

I'm worried yes, that you'll reject me but I'm more afraid to keep our friendship at risk. Like what Summer said, relationships are messy and people's feelings get hurt, I don't want what we "have" to be a mess, moreso, I don't want you to get hurt. I value you and everything we have right now to even put it at stake, to push us off the edge. I've learned my lessons from a couple of failed relationships. It's the best to have a friend turned into lover but it's also the worst to have a friend turned into lover back into stranger. These things make me hold my tongue, stay on my safe zone, the friendzone.

Aside from these reasons, I can't say anything to your face because you're just so gorgeous. I instantly got lost everytime our eyes meet, something about your eyes make me feel safe, like I'm home. Your face is an art, there's no words to really describe it, only emotions can. Oh god, you're the reason why I want to stay alive, you make me feel alive.

And it's not just your face, it's also your personality, your everything from within.

They say nobody's perfect, but they haven't met you. You're so close to perfection, maybe you don't see yourself as one, but for me, you're perfect.

I love how kindhearted you are, you show me compassion in this world full of troubles. I love how patience you are, you teach me everything worth having is worth the wait. I love how passionate you are, you made me jealous sometimes because your passion for arts and craft shows everytime you seem to be lost on the world of colors and paints. I love how funny you are, till now you always surprise me with your humor. I love how you're so family-oriented that I learned to adapt such value from you. I love how you will listen, not complain, not criticize me or judge but just listen and give me an understanding smile everytime I open up to you. I love almost everything about you, I can't see anything I don't love about you.

Sometimes, I give you hints, but you always tell me to not look at you as a god, that eventually, there's something about you that I will not like. However, 4 months now ever since I got to know you, I can't really see a thing I don't like and can't like about you.

I wish I can tell you all these.

For now, this letter I'm gonna keep till I am able to say to your face my best kept secret:

I love you, more than friends.

[everythinghereisfaux]

And I can't let you go, your hand prints on my soul

[everythinghereisfaux]

Sometimes when i look into your eyes, i pretend you're mine all the damn time.

[everythinghereisfaux]

You'll kill me if you stop.

[everythinghereisfaux]

“you can’t love someone else until you love yourself first”

bullshit

i have never loved myself.

but you,

oh god,

i loved you so much i forgot what hating myself felt like.

[everythinghereisfaux]

"I stopped for a second. If you remember everything, I wanted to say, and if you are really like me, then before you leave tomorrow, or when you’re just ready to shut the door of the taxi and have already said goodbye to everyone else and there’s not a thing left to say in this life, then, just this once, turn to me, even in jest, or as an afterthought, which would have meant everything to me when we were together, and, as you did back then, look me in the face, hold my gaze, and call me by your name"

[everythinghereisfaux]

“sometimes, you don’t mean to hurt people to hurt people”

Wonder

[everythinghereisfaux]

"baka kaya naabutan mong nakasara kasi pinapabalik ka pa Niya"

[everythinghereisfaux]

It's not enough to be friendly, you have to be a "friend"

[everythinghereisfaux]

This is the best 1st day of any month ever.