Lies of July
I had everything Ive ever wanted, all at once. Stable career with a nice salary and benefits, good old friends, new found friends, ever suppportive family and an even more supportive girlfriend. I couldnt ask for more, problems seem to be a thing of the past.
Ive only been to my new work for about a month and it's been surprisingly good. Although there were tough times, I was able to handle them well, or so I thought. Then when Im off, it's even better, I had money to spend on things I love. So I went out with my friends one weekend after another. I didnt hear any complain from my family because my salary then can meet their needs and my wants. And of course, there's my girlfriend of 8 months, I cant believe we could last that long especially we're on LDR. But I guessed when 2 inlove people want to work it out, they can, or so I thought again.
It was July 2001, the most perfect month Ive ever had in my nearly 22 years of existence. Everything seems to be falling into place like nothing could ever gone wrong.
But of course, life doesnt like that way, of all things being good. Life likes the way of all good things coming to an end. I was wrong when I thought nothing could ever gone wrong again, because after July, August came, and so were pain, realizations, blame, regrets and everything that comes with the end.
First on my workplace, truly new coworkers were only great for a month. Most of them were like free-trials that have expiration. The kindness expired and their true colors appeared. Although it's not everyone, still I found it hard to function on a dysfunctional environment where almost everyone plays both side. It's sickening and tiring, especially on the mental aspect.
Next money, yeah I hate it when money becomes an issue because it seems so shallow. But hey, prices of goods continue to rise while income stays the same. It's hard not to have a financial problem. The money Ive invested in July slowly went to nothing in August. I was bad in investments still I continued to risk. And it costs me almost everything. Luckily enough, one investment turned out well and it's been helping me make ends meet.
If I have financial problem the result will be problems with my family. Ive been called as "bakery winner" by my friends because I provide almost everything for my family. My father died early, my mom's work doesnt pay enough to feed 10 mouths all at the same time. My oldest brother turned to be a douchebag, my youngest brother's still in college. It was only me and my other older sibling that provide most of the needs.
Then good old friends, some disappoint me so much I never talk to them again and I dont plan to do so ever again. Some of them were only there when everything's fine but when the road turns rough, they left, worst even made judgments without even trying to talk to me.
Lastly, my girlfriend. She's my silver lining, she absorbed everything, love and wrath. 8 months of showing and teaching me about patience, trust, perserverance, faith and unconditional love. I was a pain in the ass most of the time but she stayed. Months before almost perfect July, my life was in chaos. No work means no pay which also means more family problems. It was a grueling wait for me to be hired. But she was there, and somehow, it was enough for me to stay sane. I knew she loved me more than anyone else Ive ever known could. Even more than my mom or anyone related by blood. For that, I will forever be grateful.
But like what I said, every good thing must come to an end. I really had a bad way of defense mechanism. I said hurtful things I never really mean. I didnt say things which I truly feel. I lied because I thought lying would be better to spare her from hurt but I realized I just did it to spare myself. I did that to her. Maybe I was so used on losing things that I dont know anymore how to keep them. I was hurting, so I hurt everyone else especially her. I was selfish and she's right when she said that when Im miserable I wanted everyone to be miserable as well. She perfectly sums me up with that. And I was deeply sorry, but it's too late. She's now my ex-girlfriend.
It's now September, she's 2 months gone, bills start to pill up, my mom's morning greeting turned into shouting again and most of my coworkers have lived up to my expectation: cruel and evil. I couldnt believe it sometimes like July seems like a million months ago. Where I felt invincible and extremly happy.
Well, July turned out to be a big lie. All that I thought of that July were all just lies to me now. Truly, F. Scott Fitzgerald was right when he said, "The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."
I felt that, and I'm still feeling it now.