A Letter to “the ex.”
.
Im still still perceiving my outsides because of what my ex changed on the inside. I was such a mean person to him after a certain point. I was no longer the girl he knew. I wasnt the girl who was excited and all about him anymore. I just wanted out, without having the will or the way to do it. And when I think back, he cried in front of me so many times and I just disregarded his feelings because he did the same thing to me. He wiped away all the compassion from my heart and made me be just like him. Hard. Unfeeling. Uncaring. All the bad things I perceived him as, I became too. And I hate that I still think about it. But I do want to apologize. And I know it doesn’t make sense either. But I think its also about forgiving myself for who I became when under those terrible conditions. We were both so miserable together. I never want that to be my kind of love ever again. I’m finally facing the more emotional and tense things that I did, that we did, that he did, and I can move through it so much easier. So some good has really come out of this, even now, to rear its head from out the concrete pad.
I’m sorry I didn’t care. And I’m sorry I kept telling you that you had no feelings, because it wasn’t true. We just loved really, really differently, and hurt each other in different places. It was uncomfortable, loving you. I didn’t always enjoy it. But that parts I did enjoy were how you were you. You were Cat. Because you loved cats, and you had the natural affinity for them. That was sweet. I know that deep down you were just a kid who wanted to be loved. You also wanted to be left alone. You also wanted friends. Community. Even if it wasn’t in healthy ways. There was so much potential in you. There was so much about you that excited me. I wanted to get high, you gave it to me. I wanted sex, you gave it to me too. And Im sure if you had the chance you would’ve stolen the world for me too. But things didn’t work out that way. I grew more and more disappointed and frustrated with you because instead of seeing that I had taken you as you are, you took that and ran with it. You didn’t change. You didn’t want to be different than what you had previously established. You didn’t want to really grow with me, as much as you say you wanted to. We were lovers. Friends. And you took advantage of me in a lot of situations. You screwed me up in the way that I watched you screw everything else up, in one way or another. But I loved you. I tried loving you through it. Even when I didn’t want you anymore, I still tried. For you. For the memory of us and all that I thought we’d be. So much loss of such a big love I had for you. My hurt boy. So safe with me. Its sad when you think about it. You were one of the first people that I loved, that simultaneously broke that love from within. You broke the frame I had in it, and in a sense, the world. I’ve changed so much since learned. I have healed so much and I’m still learning how to navigate this tension between me and the obstacles I face. Between me, and different people who hold little pieces of you in it. Between me and what I was taught love was. Between me, and the aura, the soul that I keep looking for in all the guys I meet, and in the friends Ive made. Ive been able to love again, differently, openly. Beautifully. Nontoxic. And that counts for something. Out of all of this, you taught me the good, and the bad that Im capable of.
I am grateful for that.
