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@evil-house-md
Greetings, lupus havers! I have slain (murdered) the cruel and malevolent dictator (director of mental health) with my mighty sword (sharpened wooden spoon) and have finally heroically escaped (broken out of) the torture dungeon (psych ward)!!! Which means my clinic is open for patients once again!!!
I fuckin hate house md
there's blood everywhere, is that normal? also i'm incredibly lightheaded
I ran some tests, and as it turns out all the blood everywhere isn't yours! Because it didn't come out of you, it's less of a medical problem and more of a criminal one, and since I'm not a criminal investigator, everything I say should be taken with a pinch of salt. That being said, the blood may have come from the 97 year old man that you nearly beat to death 5 hours ago right outside my clinic. But I'm not 100% sure. Also the reason your light-headed may be because of the sedatives the cops had to give you to arrest you after you nearly beat an elderly man to death. They must have had some pretty powerful painkillers in them, cos you managed to chew your hand off to get out of the cuffs without screaming. Anyway, these pills should take care of the lightheadedness in no time. Also have this map to the nearest nursing home, and this pair of boxing gloves, they're free.
Also you have lupus.
you will begin to cough in seven days
No thank you
@evil-house-md diagnose him
We ran extensive blood tests, brain scans, bone marrow tests, and biopsies on every single organ, but we didn't find anything. So we did only test left: using a oujia board to commune with the ghost of Tony Hawk. Unfortunately, this required a blood sacrifice, but it's worth it for the advancement of medical science (RIP evil Taub)! Anyway, the ghost of Tony Hawk told us that the patient accidentally angered a Romanian witch by walking on her allium garden, so she cursed him with the Balkan seven day allium-trampling revenge curse. In seven days, the patient will begin coughing, and then after seven more days, they will sprout onions and garlics from the ears and then die. There is no cure, but you can possibly convince the witch to lift the curse if you apologize for walking on her vege garden and gift her the pickled skull of vampire in a large jar of moth juice.
Also the patient has lupus.
House I can't stop pulling my hair because of my ocd can you cut off my hands?😕👎👎
Certainly.
Dr housing quarters what the cure to food poisoning if it’s a British man who made the food???
Honestly, if you willingly eat food that looks like this:
You kinda deserve food poisoning. Fortunately for you, there is a cure! All you need is a soup made with every spice on the face of the earth, the powdered bones of a dentist, and 23 kilograms of the purest Columbian cocaine that can only be bought with the soul of a British monarch. Pretty simple shopping list. You'll be fixed in no time!
Also you have lupus.
Dr Home please tell me how to quit taking drugs. Or at least prescribe me with a bunch of them. Would lupus entitle me to anything fun?
Absolutely!!! In fact, I've got a fun new experimental drug I just whipped up to cure lupus! What's in it, you ask? Mostly paint thinner, a bit of meth, Italian spice mix, asbestos, wood glue, 1 copy of the first testament, dirt, some green stuff I found in the back of the staffroom fridge, 3 Crack rocks, and Sadam Hussein's preserved spleen. Now hold still while I inject 9 litres of it directly into your brainstem! That should do something interesting. If you have any drug cravings after this, come back and see me. I'll probably have something to take the edge off.
Also you have lupus.
Dr apartment, my skull has completely crushed after being run over by a semi truck please save me
It was tough, but after a grueling 43 hour surgery me and my team managed to save your head! It's in a bag in the organ storage freezer in my lab and I'm going to use it for my expirements! Unfortunately it was way too crushed to be reattached, and we didn't have any organ donor heads available, so we had to replace it with a turnip. It should do most of the same things your head was doing before, but you will have to keep it submerged in dirt for the rest of your life, or else you'll die. Don't forget to add fertilizer every day, and stay away from rabbits. Also if you start having a burning desire to be in a salad, try to ignore it. Apart from all that, you can return to your regular old life!
Also you have lupus.
doctor abode why does my stomach hurt
As you can see from the x-ray, you have a hole in your stomach from eating undercooked steel rebar. Usually, we would sew it back up in surgery, but there's 3 minutes til I clock out, and I don't think you'll live til I come back to the clinic on Monday. So instead, I'm gonna get you to eat this entire tub of flex paste, and that should stop any more stomach acid leaking out. As for the stomach acid that's already leaked out, just inject yourself with some bleach to neutralize it!
Also you have lupus.
Penis
The great Dr. House, I've gotten a boo-boo on my finger from a papercut. What do
Yep, that's a paper cut, alright. Those little buggers hurt, and it might take days to heal! Far worse than any of the other wounds you sustained from crashing head first into an 18 wheeler full of paper. They'll all be fine! Limbs grow back you know! But even still, they might take weeks to heal... Fortunately for you, I've taken the liberty of injecting you with my brand new, completely expiremental cure-all miracle drug! And don't bother telling me you don't want it. I've already injected you with it. You, my friend, are paving the way for the future of humankind! The first person to try this treatment ever! I haven't even tested it on lab rats or the homeless yet! By the way if you feel any organs exploding or pieces of you falling off, just ignore them. You'll be all healed up in no time!
Also you have lupus.
It is NEVER lupus
(Extremely loud incorrect buzzer noise)
NOPE!!!! Wrong again, dummy! It is ALWAYS lupus! You know what that means! YOU'RE GETTING DISINTEGRATED ON AN ATOMIC LEVEL!!!!!
Now get in the machine.
I might be having a surgery next week, dr house can you encourage me?
DO NOT WORRY!! If the surgery is unsuccessful we will just sell your organs and make a bunch of money, so your life will be worth something either way!
@evil-house-md give it to me straight, Doc!
is it Lupus?
Mr. President, I'm sorry to inform you that your lab results came back, and you are positive for lupus.
But don't worry Mr. President, there is a cure! Unfortunately, it is only known by the democratic party, but fortunately I had some listening devices lying around, which I have installed in the DNC headquarters! All we have to do is wait for one of those numbskulls to say it out loud, and we'll have you fixed up as soon as possible! I am absolutely certain that no major political scandals will come of this!
Dr. Condo do you take my insurance
NO!!!!! I DONT TAKE ANY INSURANCE!!!! I ONLY CURE PEOPLE FOR FREE!!!! IM GOING TO MAKE THE HEALTH INSURANCE 'INDUSTRY' COLLAPSE BECAUSE IM EVIL!!!! AND THEN IM GOING TO DO THE MOST EVIL THING EVER: ESTABLISH UNIVERSAL FREE HEALTHCARE!!! AND THERES NOT A THING THAT ANYONE CAN DO TO STOP ME!!!!!
Can I have cancer if I am homeless
NO!!! The CIA kidnaps homeless people and steals their cancer to put into darts and needles that get injected into communist dictators!!! NO homeless person has ever had cancer because the CIA keep stealing it!!!
Have you considered the path of mad science?
NO!!!!! Science would never make me mad! I feel nothing but joy while I dismember my patients for research! Injecting people with random chemicals just to see what happens brings me nothing but happiness! I love violating ethics laws! I would never be angry while doing science!!
