My bisexual identity: Bisexual vs Pansexual
Have you checked out the topic over at Everyday Feminism? Itās pretty great and probably does a better job than I will.
Bi, on its own as a prefix, implies two.
I define bisexuality as my attraction to people of my same gender and people of other genders. This is the same way it is defined by many, many, other bisexual people. Bisexuality does not imply binary identities only, that is a common misconception/myth/inaccuracy of bisexual identities. Iām bisexual. Iām also genderfluid/genderqueer/demigender (figuring out oneās identity is a journey). I dont have an āoppositeā gender so the definition of same and opposite gender doesnāt work for me (for that and other reasons). āBothā genders doesnāt work for me because I acknowledge gender is a spectrum, as is sexuality. āTwo gendersā doesnāt work for me because Iām not attracted to just two identities on the varied spectrum. But Iām not Pansexual. Thats a label other people try to place on me because of the misconceptions or misgivings/misunderstandings they have about bisexuality.
Pansexual is sometimes used by people to get away from that misconception and I believe the term came about as a way to fight it and be more inclusive. I could be wrong there. However, Pansexual would mean potential attraction to all genders, or regardless of gender. Itās not that gender doesnāt matter - because their partners identities do matter to them - itās that gender isnāt definitive as a reason for attraction. Bisexual and pansexual have more in common than they do to differ them.
Iām so over other people telling me Iām pan. So. Over. It. And Iām really frustrated with people thinking I must only be attracted to men and women, especially their idea of men and women - or who they think I think are men and women (assuming I exclude transpeople in my attraction - I do not. If youāve seen any of my other, albeit few, posts you know that about me).
The sort of shitty sort of weird thing about other people trying to label me as pan makes me try to figure out why Iām not pan.
I already had this issue when people tried to tell me I was straight. I had to question it. I had to think about my attraction to other people, and I questioned myself. I finally came out the other side, yes I am attracted to women. So, not straight.
Then again when people tried to tell me (and still do!) that Iām a lesbian. And I had to question it. I had to again think about my attraction to other people, and question it. Did I like guys simply because I was taught to like guys? Nope. So, not a lesbian.
And now, people are trying to tell me that Iām pan. And Iāve got to question it and try to figure this shit out all over again.
I have to think of the labels. I have to think of what they mean. I have to think of how I fit in/between/around them.
I have to think about what other people think they mean and how they think I fit in/between/around them.
Then I have to think about why Iām rejecting one label, because suddenly it isnāt enough that the label just doesnāt fit, or just doesnāt feel right to me for who I am. Now I have to be able to explain why, and in great detail.
And I wonāt. I donāt need to. If you are at a place in our conversation where I have to defend my sexuality to you, you are not working with me or trying to understand me, you are actively working against me. You are questioning my identity when Iāve laid it out for you, simply because it doesnāt fit your narrative, your idea, your preconceived notion of who I am or who my labels should be worn by.
The pointā¦ Wear the label that fits you. Or none at all! Other people donāt get to define your labels. And if you are just working to understand them, you need to understand they are self identifiers. This means people choose their own labels, and they donāt have to fit your idea of them. You canāt know someoneās sexuality by looking at them, and assumptions are shitty. Ask, if itās appropriate, and then accept the answer.
