[ex15t3nt14l]

ooooooo writing writing writing i am reconnecting with my self severing ties with my past self i am me and i can only know nothing passed the boundaries of self my brain is mine only soul ember i’ll truly be able to hold and the only mind to graze these thoughts i am leaving this message for my further self in hopes that they remember what i want for them and remember that what i want from them is the only thing thats ruled a priority

[ex15t3nt14l]

there’s things i can’t tell u and it’s sucks. the bad parts of my brain remain a secret to u and i told someone once but it was bad timing and it got looked over real quick. i still think about that. and how bad it felt. how i wish that they talked about it with me. i want to talk about my irrational fears and my negative thoughts. i want to share with u the anxiety i feel but you’re not strong enough for it. i wouldnt be either. it sucks that i’m sitting here; head heavy. i decide to bite my tongue. not bc you tell me to. bc i decide to. and thats the worst part.

[ex15t3nt14l]

today i was telling people that my brain is set up in a way where it actually disables me from functioning like a proper human being. my thoughts are those of a crowd of people, all talking to me at once and discussing my problems as if i can’t hear. while this is happening, there’s a live band playing all of my favorite songs on a loop. at least i have that 😌💅🏽

[ex15t3nt14l]

happiness is temporary and i have a few questions. why is it fair that you have to work for a smile but a pout is such a default expression? what can i do to change the environment around me? do i replace people or cut people off altogether?

[ex15t3nt14l]

my girlfriend has this tumblr acc where people she follows and reblogs glorify this eating disorder and the reason for the account is to track her weight and she roblogs pictures of skinny girls and i get it but i really don’t think that it’s a healthy environment for her and she won’t listen to me when i ask her to take it down :( it’s so toxic for her to see those things every day and see people literally obsess over being skinny and think that it’s okay to do anything you can to get to where you want to be. most of these people aim for starving themselves and ignoring a healthy diet completely and she’s already had tendencies of bulemia in the past and it hurts me to see her hurt herself like that. but really who am i to tell her to cut it out who am i to not be supportive of her weight loss. i just hate how she’s going about it and i always tell her things that i love about her and how beautiful she is and how much i love touching and looking at her body, i treat her like a jewel but she never sees what i see. i love her so much i don’t want her to get caught up in unhealthy habits and i want her to get to where she is organically rather than hurt herself and end up with different problems down the road. i don’t know what to do or what to say to her but it’s something that i constantly and consistently think about for some reason i always try to find a good way to bring it up to her and try to make it sound okay like i’m trying to help but everything i think about sounds pushy or upset and that’s the last thing i want to show her when it comes to something like this. i wish she’d understand that she doesn’t need a whole account to motivate her she doesn’t need to be looking at bony girls and accounts that glorify eating disorders. anyway yeah that’s it i guess i gotta make sure to read this when i feel sad about it because it’s about the only way i will be allowed to feel better. there’s no way i could say this out loud. i don’t wanna talk her down. ok bye

[ex15t3nt14l]

to be incapable of feeling would be better than to feel nothing after feeling everything. yet emotional incapability feels empty like hunger with no apetite.

[ex15t3nt14l]

they say one good apple in a bowl of rotten ones eventually go bad i mean yeah rotting is inevitable but i do understand what it’s supposed to mean. i feel like a fresh apple, picked from her tree after a flawless harvest. throughout my life i’ve encountered a couple light falls as i am being processed before getting shipped out for the real world. i am here now. my insides are slowly becoming brown and weak. my skin is like wet paper, unarmed and easily penetrated. there’s one hand that i like to sit in, she’s allergic to apples though, yet she is the sweetest to my fruit. her cool hands slow my decomposition; almost to a halt, almost like time is flying backwards.

[localcraigslist]

[ex15t3nt14l]

my emotions bully me in my mind

my brain cowers beneath its accusations

“you’re a burden” “you’ll never be shit” “stop being so lazy just do what you’re supposed to”

one day she will be strong enough to stand up on straightened legs to grab the bullies by the collar of their shirt

unfortunately, today is not the day

today she cowers, while the people around her stop but not help, not they don’t want to, they just don’t know how

they never will as she will not utter a hint

[ex15t3nt14l]

first i smelled the blood,

it reeked of rust on steel blades.

the only sound i heard was silent,

yet boisterous and terrifying.

love lie next to me,

no longer peering at me behind brown orbs.

not peering at all. more like concentrated, on a thought filled with vengeance. like look what you’ve done, i hope you hurt as much as i did.

reality tasted like a sour stomach. dry vomit after too much to drink. the pill that won’t go down because it was impossible but doc said it would chase away the voices. they weren’t voices though, they were warnings. they told you to pay attention to the strings in her hair that seemed to be unnaturally colored and the the type of fabric she liked to be hugged by. and you did. you noticed every little change in her eyes and where she looked whenever it wasn’t at you.

she’s looking at you now. i bet you wished you had said something. the rubber bands on her wrists calmed her craving and the way she

[ex15t3nt14l]

hello? is anyone out there? it’s cold in here. maybe if i try really hard to warm myself up i will be okay. wait why am i the only one here? isn’t everyone else cold? do they care? i’m warm in my cold shell. but the radiating warmth from inside me can only do so much. where’s my sun? is she cold too? how do i make enough warmth for us both?

-my heart

[ex15t3nt14l]

warm and cold make a tornado

[ex15t3nt14l]

when i break my neck for people i admittedly would like an ambulance charging at Break Neck speed to help me recover. what do i do when they don’t come?

an hour passes. the paramedics finally arrive but i have gotten used to the pain and the bend in my spine. they turn on their heels and wait for the next emergency.

my neck is still broken, but they’re putting out a fire in arizona. i’m here silently pleading. it hurts to talk now. when will they see i’m hurting? when will they see without hearing?

[ex15t3nt14l]

how to love

step one: hold hands tightly

step two: don’t agree on everything. shared interests are too cool to be forced. debate or compromise.

step three: don’t be competitive

step three: give your significant other the last drop of water when you’re thirsty

step four: don’t complain or boast about it

step five: tickle

step six: squeeze their hand back

step seven: don’t comment about the noises their stomach makes unless they say something first

step eight: don’t shut down

step nine: if they shut down, make them comfortable

step 10: don’t refuse cuddles

step 11: don’t refuse love

step 12: give reassurance

step 13: trust reassurances

step 14: love wholely

step 15: love sweetly

step 16: share your food

[ex15t3nt14l]

to express feelings is to take another bite of food when your stomach has reached its limit. it’s not knowing whether you can keep it down or lose control and leave it lay on the floor of the bathroom. it’s gut-wrenching and vomit provoking, hard to contain while it teases your throat. will anyone be there to help you clean up the mess you made? or do you have to do it alone, like the last time, and the last time, and the last time, and the last. we all know words have consequences but when does that underweigh the lack of sleep and the feeling of an empty soul? would you rather your internal struggles drip off your lips or your clock, the one counting towards your inevitable death day, self-claimed or not it’s gonna happen.

to feel is to dance in the rain. the tip of your toes trailing the other on dotted sidewalks. eyes closed and the corner of your lips reaching for your ears as your favorite song plays through your headphones and those little drops of water pepper your warm skin. but when it rains it pours and now you’re stuck a half of a mile away from home and you wore your good shoes today. with every passing minute your cotton sweater drags over clammy skin and damp hands that are shielding the phone as if it were a life source, it is. it was fun at first. but now it feels like you could drown.

to express is running a hot bath, to feel is to sink into the security of water around you. to express is pulling the drain as the water becomes too cold and unsatisfying, to feel is to see a now empty bathtub waiting for the next time it can be filled with warmth instead of nothing. cold and nothing.

stones also feel pressure and express when they crumble. the difference is that you can put yourself back together again.

[ex15t3nt14l]

give me some emotion i’m dying over here idk what exactly i need just give me something i want you forever but is it worth feeling hopeless for this long

[ex15t3nt14l]

Im just kinda bored with today there’s not much Im interested in I’ve lost touch with what i like i mean there’s a few things here and there that will bring me back to life but not even my own girlfriend can help me right now I’m lost i feel down i feel like i don’t want to progress I’m kinda scared of the future i just need something different rn

[ex15t3nt14l]

it’s happening again but clearly doesn’t last thank u