someday i will learn to forgive myself

excelsior! | 25 | they/them | MDNI

[excelsior9173]

pinned post!

(i’ve been lurking here without one forever because i didn’t know what i wanted this blog to be oops)

hi! i’m exie :) i’m nonbinary (they/them is great), and ace! this is a safe space for all my fellow queers <3

this blog functions in a similar capacity as a journal for me

i post about tv shows i like, movies i love, and a whole lot of sleep token among other bands i adore. i also bitch about my life a lot, sorry i’m a miserable creature but venting is proven to make you feel better so

i currently have a bachelor’s of psychology! i tried to go back to school and decided one degree is enough for now 😅

i’m also a guitarist, although i feel guilty calling myself so because i am extremely mediocre and often find it hard to commit to learning a song. maybe if i start posting about it here it’ll motivate me to practice lmao

lastly, this blog is an 18+ space for my own peace of mind. i may be ace but sometimes shit gets raunchy.

alright. peace, love, and stay punk fuckers ✌🏼

[excelsior9173]

so. while i chase down this cortisol issue (not calling it cushing’s for sure until there’s a definitive diagnosis because it’s a very specific thing) i have stopped taking my birth control at the request of my endocrinologist

there have been some upsides. my migraines are less frequent which is cool. however. my worst fears over discontinuing the pill seem to be coming true

i have been so afraid of my periods getting worse again and i am feeling my body reverting to pre-birth control behaviours. my cramps are worse. not to the point of making me puke again, but definitely more painful than they were on the pill. i am also noticing some irregularity again. second cycle since stopping the pill and my first period was on time but very short, and this second one is early.

really hoping that we can sort out my issues and get me back on some sort of hormonal birth control because i really don’t want my cycle to continue reverting to what it was

[yorkshirelarrie]

put in the tags:

your first concert

your last concert

your next concert

your favourite concert

[excelsior9173]

baltimore orioles confirmed homophobic, pummelling my blue jays like this on their pride night…

[excelsior9173]

i get a ct scan in a week and i’m lowkey nervous

it’s the most intensive medical imaging i’ve ever had. only ever had xrays and ultrasounds before

also it’s nerve wracking because like. what if they find nothing?? then i’m still stuck with no idea why i’m sick. but also, if they do find something it will most likely be a tumour and then what??? surgery? meds? idk!!

there’s so many unknowns it’s scary

also i have heard the iv contrast makes you feel like you’ve pissed yourself and i am not about that life (idek if i’m getting contrast but since they requested i not eat or drink before i think i might be?)

[fisididrosa]

I was thinking about it earlier and it’s awesome that our pitchers are starting rehab games but… imagine being the poor triple-A players who are having to face them. Rocking up to the ball park ready to play and you get hit with ‘oh. By the way Max Scherzer is pitching today’

[shigure]

i'm sorry i never did your tag game. i love you

[excelsior9173]

i either need to grow the fuck up or live on my own again

cuz why am i sitting here kinda hurt that my sis and her gf are having a movie night without me…

like. my sister knows that moulin rouge is my favourite musical. she was so excited to tell me she got a pristine condition, deluxe edition of the movie on vhs. i said “omg we need a movie night!” and now the other two are watching it without me… idk. i think i’m just being moody and miserable this is such a nonissue

i’ll just have a movie night by myself instead

[finnslay]

i love you queer people

i love you fat queer people

i love you queer people of color

i love you queer people of different cultures

i love you disabled queer people

i love you differently able queer people

i love you queer systems

i love you neurodivergent queer people

i love you queer people of different religions

i love you intersex people

i love you unlabeled queer people

i love you mentally ill queer people

i love you all queer people

happy pride <3

[kaddyssammlung]

IV is alive XD He posted to his IG story :)

[erniesbouncycurls]

Ernie “Twinkle Toes” Clement just dancing away from that ball hehehehe

[excelsior9173]

this probably says not amazing things about my mentality lmao, but anyone else punish themselves with productivity??

like. it’s a trade off. i fucked up and was supposed to do cpr/first aid training today but forgot to do the prep work so now i can’t go to the course

so, because i was *supposed* to be productive and training today the trade off is that instead of getting my one day off a week i am going to force myself to deep clean my bedroom and do laundry and all sorts of chores. i will not allow myself to be idle and relax i have to trade productivity for productivity.

[okbluejays]

don't test valenzuela | may 28 2026 | TOR @ BAL

[stecherz]

may i present my addition for the flat blue jays collection with 2 flat ernies?

toronto blue jays vs. baltimore orioles | may 28 2026 | bottom 9th

[excelsior9173]

i am having a cheeseburger with peanut butter on it and it is shockingly tasty lol

[excelsior9173]

theory of a deadman is coming back through my city this summer so guess who’s back on their “tyler connolly is hot” bullshit 🤪

but also lowkey having a crisis over that because he is the same age as my mom and that makes me feel a little funny lmao

[excelsior9173]

so something i have noticed lately is a bit of a generational divide with bands

idk if it’s just the artists i happen to see or what, but the older groups are the ones who stop to introduce everyone in the band. the newer ones? rarely ever introduce anyone.

idk if it’s actually anything, just something i have noticed at the last handful of shows i’ve been to. the bands I’ve seen that were active in the 90s/early 00s? introduce every member. the bands that picked up more towards the 2010s/2020s? not so much.

i wonder if it’s a side effect of social media and the whole fan interaction era we’re in. like, because there’s so much access to artists now maybe they don’t feel the need to introduce themselves? because they’re at our fingertips, so we should all already know who everyone is on stage. whereas 20 years ago your only access to bands/musicians was seeing them in concert. that’s my best theory lol