relationships, of any nature , had always been difficult for valerie langham . although the langhams never lacked a thing and the three siblings had grew up surrounded by luxury and the finer things money could buy ( especially valerie, being the youngest ) , it had always been void of depth, as far as she could tell . there was no question her mother had loved her ; in her own , twisted way the langham matriarch had loved her kids unconditionally , had done everything in her power not let them turn into the monsters and tricksters that had taken over her last years of life , to a fault . but her love had never been open, at least when it come to her youngest . valerie had to work to earn a place on her mother's heart , competing with the world for a minute of her precious attention which not only made her competitive but shaped the way she viewed love and care for years to come .
it bled into the rest of her relationships, growing up . from her siblings to her friends and family members , everything became a competition , love used as a form of transaction . when she was old enough to get into romantic relationships , her view only got darker , twisting the meaning of love deeper . there was love in her heart , sometimes too bright it felt like it was burning her alive , a dangerous weapon anyone wise enough could use against her and yet it had always had this transactional and mechanical side of it , the twist she had given the word from as long as she could remember .
alas, when killian had come along into her life , their relationship had been doomed from the start , like the majority of valerie's relationships . there had always been something in it for her , for them , for others . sex , power , money , the search for a better and brighter future โ the meaning behind the word that so many lost their minds over had been tainted from the start when it came to killian and valerie's past selves , yet it didn't make it any less real . at the time , valerie's feelings ( even those she had kept unsaid , only for her to know and for her to mourn once killian had walked away ) had been as real as the air and the memories they had shared during their time together . pureness had never been a part of their involvement , especially when it came to the feelings they had shared , passion on the other hand, as erratic and boisterous in nature as valerie herself however , had .
the nights shared , those feelings , the what ifs that roamed wild in the darkest parts of her soul for her to cherish or to dwell over when needed were now stored in a shelve with the rest of her past , ghosts of memories of a life she had once had , a life she ached for at times when the one she lead now became too heavy and still , it was nothing more than that a mirage , something that in no shape or form reflected on who valerie was now.
killian's wise words , as they often did , somehow seemed to echo what her own unspoken thoughts said , distracting her from her inner soliloquy and making her return her attention at her dear... friend, a line or two older than the last time they spoke yet their features more tender , more human than she had ever seen . any trace of arrogance was gone and instead , a new sense of themselves brought out a side of them valerie had never seen before , making the youngest sigh deeply . " do you really think we can start over ? " she questioned , a double-edged sword of a question without intent . on one hand the expectation that came with starting over was unnerving , the thought of doing it all over again to mess it all up once more and lose them once again was almost unbearable to think about whilst simply turning around and continuing on with their lives as they had been seemed nearly impossible .
... and yet , valerie knew then and there that she would take the chance of starting it all over , to give the other and herself the chance of meeting her new self if allowed.
killian's queries enter her eardrums like buckets of ice water , invasive and intrusive like no other can . the journalist is acutely aware that , if anyone else had been in front of her that night asking her about something as personal and triggering as losing her old life and the power it brought her , she would walk away and plan for their downfall on her way to the door but as always , when it comes to killian , valerie can't help but let herself speak candidly . " i won't sit here and tell you i don't miss what i was , the life i had . those who say money doesn't buy happiness haven't lived a day in the shoes of those who have nothing " she muses , eyes glued to the very floor beneath their feet . it's easier to speak , she notes , when her gaze is not on someone else , her thoughts arrange better that way . " it doesn't mean i would give up what i have now to get what i had back then . what i have now , what i know know , what i am now โ nothing of once was could begin to compare " almost nothing , she knows she would give it all up to see her mother one last time .
pride has been an intricate virtue valerie has been taught about from the very beginning of her life . she had been taught to be pride of her name , what it meant and what it could bring her . of her beauty and how she could use it to take what she needed because of it , of her sharp mind and how it worked in her favor and yet for the first time in her life , valerie discovers , sitting there talking to someone that feels like an old favorite book she has forgotten all the words from but still holds a special place in her heart , that she feels pride in herself . not in a boisterous manner nor with any superiority complex attached to the feeling , instead contempt and in peace with herself . she could remember surrounding herself by company of people she didn't enjoy , partying and never alone with herself to deal with because she often found solitude unbearable . now , solitude brought her easiness as she is accompanied by someone she likes , someone she can be proud of.
killian speaks again , the earnest tone in their voice as they speak of the power that they claim valerie still possesses , of never truly knowing her until today โ valerie's fleeting reflexes kick in . it becomes too much , a lump in her throat begins to form when the other speaks so highly of her . back then , valerie had been great at receiving compliments , adoring to hear people gush about how beautiful she was or how brilliant she had turned out to be ; perhaps because deep down she knew that even if they weren't real , they filled a a hunger within her . she had been ravenous , needing of validation like it was water . things were different now , especially since killian's words appeared to be most honest vows of confidence she had gotten in a lifetime. alas , she managed to say a soft " thank you " only audible between her and the other , private and earnest , almost shy , a first . when she looks up , any sense of pretense or mockery is gone , her features as earnest as the other's words . " i don't know if i really knew the real killian meijer back then . i don't think i would've given myself the chance to do so even if you had wanted me to โ but it would be an honor to do so now " she begins , blue eyes staring right into the others . " what i have seen tonight , what i've learned from you tonight " a shaky breath " i hope you are proud of the person you've become . i called you a wolf earlier today , i am wise enough to accept when i've made mistakes and this is a great time to accept i've made a mistake . this is the most human you've ever seen , it suits you . "
there is a pit that forms on her stomach , similar to a black hole , as she is reminded of why she is unable to drink in the first place ; memories of sleepless nights researching every medical book known to men through headaches and vertigo , endless doctors appointments leading to nowhere for weeks , a secret diagnosis has kept from everyone but herself and her doctor . in the past few months , valerie has been in contact with hundreds of people , from family to coworkers , friends and the occasional enemy she had managed to make back when the name valerie langham meant something else , never quite feeling the need to share her diagnosis with the people she shares a life with . now , in the middle of a ball , wearing a lace dress and white pearls , for the first time she feels an intricate need of say it . perhaps the penetrating gaze of theirs or the fact that for the last 10 minutes she has bared her soul to the person in front of herself are the catalysts that make her want to share her biggest secret . perhaps it has to do with the fact that she feels like drowning and this is the calmest she's felt since losing her mom. or perhaps , she doesn't want to start off a new relationship with a lie by omission , tainting their second chance on having a normal friendship.
but valerie simply inhales deeply, taking the alcohol-free beverage she's been handed and smiles at the bartender gratefully , raising her glass to clink with the others' as they give a toast . " cheers , killian . to second chances . it's a pleasure to finally see you and to letting you see me . i can't promise it will be pretty , shiny and perfect . but , it will be me . "
