It's been a full twenty four hours and I have experienced a whirlwind of emotions.
I've been angry and sad, I've been confused and regretful. I'm not sure what my actual emotions are, honestly.
It's been a long time since I've felt this. Honestly, I've never really felt what this is.
In the past, I was full of hate and anger. I was happy to escape because I felt trapped.
That's not what I feel right now.
I think this is what it is to have an adult relationship end, or pause, or whatever it is.
When two adults can actually agree that now isn't the right time.
It is even worse now I think.
Before I was so blinded by infatuation that I couldn't see what was going on around me until it was too late.
That's not what happened this time.
This time there was communication and attempts.
This time, there is still love and no hard feelings...just disappointment.
My chest hurts, it feels like literal heartbreak.
I listened to a podcast today and it said that we would rather have "familiar hurt than unfamiliar pain".
I would rather be in the repeat of the cycle knowing exactly how it will play out compared to this.
I don't know what I'll feel next.
I don't know what is normal to feel next.
I'd imagine it is like the stages of grief.
Did you know, that a break up does to your brain what a cocaine addition does?
You get addicted to a person. Your body literally craves them.
Also, did you know that there were studies done on individuals who recently went through a break up? The studies included showing them a picture of their ex and it actually showed functions in the part of the brain that shows physical pain.
That feeling in your chest is the flight or fight reaction, but you're standing still so everything expands. Your heart beats fast, your adrenaline releases, and your body doesn't know what to do.
Women are 60% more likely to experience physical pain after a break up.
There are different phases to a break up.
One of the phases, usually the first one is where you only remember the good. Your brain has a way of shutting out all the not so good memories.
One of the other phases is losing confidence. You tend to lose confidence because you base your confidence off your relationship, well when that relationship fails, you feel like your confidence is gone too.
I've never been codependent physically. As in needed money, shelter, etc from a person. But, you get used to the routine.
Wake up-morning phone call
Through out the day-snap chat, texting, gossiping
Night-dinner, movies, laying together
Well, now that cycle is over.
Now you have to find a whole new way to spend your 24 hours.
No more plus one's to a wedding. No more double dates.
But there is a saying that everyone knows...if you love someone, let them go.
A part to that, that most people don't want to tell themselves is that if you love someone, remember to love yourself more.
Sometimes, you have to love yourself so much that you have to walk away from something that you love.
50% of all couples who break up end up back together.
17% of them split up again.
15% actually stay together.
Who knows what the future holds, but for the alone time that is in-between now and then, there should be reflection.
Being alone is the time for you to learn who you are again.
Learn what makes you happy and what makes you sad.
Learn what your boundaries are and learn what your expectations are.
Learn what makes you tick.
Learn how to control yourself.
Learn what your definition of love is.
It's not easy, it never is.
But sometimes change is good.
Regardless of the outcome, you have to make the present count.
Not to waste the alone time you have.
Just in the last 24 hours, I've listened to hours of podcasts, I've googled so much about relationships and break ups.
I've sat in the hot tub and just drank water and tried to listen to my body.
I've made jokes and I've sulked.
I've reread messages that I know will make me sad.
I've looked at pictures that I know will upset me.
I've spent the last 24 hours feeling.
You have to feel before you can heal.
Healing doesn't come overnight.
The average time it takes to get over a relationship is 3 months.
And if you walk away in love, chances are you will probably always love that person.
They say though, to not think of that underlying love as a burden though. To think of it as a gift.
That is your humanity and passion.
That is you allowing yourself to feel and appreciate things for what they are or for what they were or for what they may end up being.
We meet people and fall in love.
You almost never just walk into love, it's always falling.
One day it's fine and the next day you can't imagine life without that person. You're imagining the American dream.
Wedding, a house, that white fence around the yard.
And then it turns out that isn't the plan.
Part of looking at this like an adult is accepting all the emotions you're feeling. Letting yourself feel and grieve.
Letting yourself heal so you can be a better partner in the future.
Some of it is embarrassing because with today's time, everyone see the profile pictures change, the relationship status change, and the photos that you don't post together anymore.
But, most of the time, we only share the good. We show the highlights to the world, we don't want to show when we are unsuccessful.
This time, I was unsuccessful.
I wasn't able to make things work.
As humans, we will not win every race.
But, you dust yourself off and try again.
Sometimes you run the same race until you do win, or until you realize that there are too many obstacles.
But you don't know until you try.
Maybe this is another chapter in the book that will continue on, or maybe this is the end and a whole new story will start.
Like I said, we can't predict the future and we won't know until it happens, or doesn't happen.
We are human. We have emotions and needs. We have our own struggles. Sometimes you can lean on the person next to you and work through it together and sometimes you have to step away.
There are no right and wrong choices when it comes to stuff like this.
If there were, then no one would be divorced, no one would be unfaithful, not one would ever be unhappy.
This is trial and error and that's just part of it.
You can't let yourself turn cold.
You have to keep loving and keep giving chances.
You have to try again, or you have to go on that next blind date.
The universe has a strange way of making things work out.
Sometimes, God doesn't answer what you're praying for right know because he knows there is something better in store. Whether it be with someone else, or with the same person but just the better version of them.
Sometimes it's right person but wrong time.
And sometimes it's right time wrong person.
Just remembering that things will be okay. It's going to hurt, but that's part of the human experience. Without pain, we wouldn't recognize love.
