your grace, my heart | j. kirstein
synopsis: Marley and Eldia had just signed a peace treaty. You and other members of high society gathered in Jaeger County for a card game. The purpose of the event was to establish contact between the nobility of the two countries. But it seems you and Count Jean Kirstein of Eldia have gone a little bit too far with this.
c/w: angst, hurt/comfort, 18th century au, marleyan!reader, no mentions of y/n, fl*ch is our shitty husband, alcohol, smoking, YEARNING, Jean is down bad, WE are down bad, a lil suggestive, mentions of domestic abuse, mentions of cheating, arranged marriage, French speaking Jean.
a/n: I've been wanting to write this for a long time, since I've watched Barry lyndon (it's so good trust me!). Pt. 2 is in a process and it's going to be smutty..hehe. Also, I have an unhealthy obsession with Jean being French, I'm sorry.
Thick smoke from strong cigars enveloped the room in dancing curls. The alcohol they'd consumed made their heads spin, fueling the excitement of the game of preference.
The counts and countesses of two countries - Marley and Eldia - who had just established a peace treaty, gathered in the gaming hall of the Jaeger estate. The purpose of this event was to establish contact between the highest nobility. And as a representative of one of Marley's most noble and influential houses, you couldn't help but attend.
The maids poured whiskey into glass after glass and carried trays of cigars of all sorts, while the croupier calculated Count Brown's latest win.
The heavy smoke mingled with the heavy liquid, but there was something heavier in the room, something that made the heat rise and the heart flutter. A gaze.
No, it wasn't the look between people whose countries had a history of war going back years. It was the look of one particular man. Count Jean Kirstein of Eldia.
From the moment you entered the room, you hadn't felt a moment of relaxation. Like a student under the strictest royal tutor, you tried to avert his gaze, to hide your tension. However, he didn't grant you such an honor.
The man's intense, searching gaze, his sharp, light-brown eyes, pierced you, making you feel naked, even though you were wearing nearly a dozen layers of dress and a corset.
You wanted to look at him, you wanted everyone but him to disappear, you wanted to taste his lips again.
What a mistake you made, allowing him and you to indulge in forbidden pleasure right at the peace treaty ball three months ago! Just like now, you practically caressed each other with your eyes throughout the evening. Until the moment when you both got fed up and fled to a dusty storage room.
Things didn't go far, as the frightened mind of a married girl prevailed over her raging heart. In the end, you fled the ball, citing poor health. But damn it, since that evening, neither of you has been able to quell the intense feelings that flared between you.
As if things weren't bad enough, a maid approached you and whispered disappointing news. Your husband had once again dodged coming to the Jaeger estate, inventing a terrible excuse. Even though you'd asked him to join you that morning so you both could return home together.
Now at the card table, you were the only Marleyan woman without a partner by your side. While Jean was the only Eldian without a wife.
Clearing your throat, you prepared to once again be embarrassed in front of the nobles of both countries.
"Ahem, counts and countesses, I hasten to inform you that my husband, Count Forster, will not be able to be here with us today. He complained of a heartache. He is very sorry, as am I."
Among all the guests at the party who muttered things like, "it's okay, your grace, don't worry," "It's a shame, but I hope he is well" Jean was the only one who didn't express regret. He spoke up later than the others.
"Complained about his heart, but he didn't think about his own wife's heart?" He threw down his cards, crossing his arms over his chest.
The man's words stirred a tinge of resentment somewhere in your chest. It was as if he was trying to embarrass you in front of representatives of two countries at once. You didn't expect to hear such words from the lips that had covered yours just months ago.
"Excuse me?" You raised an eyebrow, maintaining your composure. "My husband has health problems; risking it for alcohol and cigarettes would be foolish for anyone."
He began counting his winnings, as if they hadn't been carefully calculated by the croupier. "Whatever you say, Your Grace." He feigned indifference, not looking up from the papers in front of him.
The heat rising in your face forced you to leave the room and take a breather. You stood up and quickly apologized. "Ladies and gentlemen, I need some air; I'll be there in time for the next game."
Thanking the heavens that Count Jaeger owned such extensive property, you delved into his luxurious flower garden. Your head, overwhelmed with thoughts, felt like it would split under the pressure. You stopped in a gazebo perched above a small lotus pond.
The uncomfortable tension in your chest wouldn't go away, making your breathing ragged. The tears threatening to ruin your makeup at any moment, but fortunately you managed to hold them back.
You were used to holding back your tears on the days when your husband left you alone at the estate, or when he dared to tell you how your choice of dress seemed childish to him, and that other countesses would have chosen a more mature option. Perhaps that's why he went to visit them, staying days and nights.
"Here you are." You heard Count Kirstein's breathless voice behind you. He was clearly running, searching for you.
You didn't dare turn around, pressing your lips together. Judging by the silence behind you, he hadn't moved either. He seemed to be searching for the right words.
"I...Your Grace, I am incredibly ashamed. I apologize for the audacity of insulting you." He muttered, not moving.
You stood in silence, pondering what to do and what to say. A variety of emotions mingled in your head. However, silence was useless; he was here, standing behind you, waiting for an answer.
"Lord, please return to the estate. I'm not feeling well."
"I know. But I can't leave knowing I made you feel this way. I don't know what came over me. I had no right to act like this. Please forgive me, I'm so sorry." He took a slow step toward you.
You decided to turn around, afraid he'd be too close. "Yes, you haven't. But you said it, and you hurt my feelings." You blurted out, despite the hurt burning in your throat.
"I sincerely repent, my lady. I cannot be forgiven, yet I beg you for it. My words were not meant to offend you. But I will not hide the fact that I am angry with your husband, Count Forster. His neglect of you makes my heart boil. You do not deserve this."
"I thought we were finished with this conversation, Your Grace. My family's affairs remain outside my family. We are happy and content with our lives. I ask you not to interfere from now on." You hastened to defend your husband's fragile dignity.
"Happy? You can lie to anyone, but I see everything, from your behavior with him to the deep sadness in your eyes. Count Forster is notorious for his bad temper even without your confirmation." He frowned, restraining himself from an emotional outburst.
"Be that as it may, I repeat, it's none of your business. I have a family and responsibilities." You replied.
"Au diable les responsabilités!" (To hell with responsibilities!) He shouted, but came to his senses and cleared his throat, lowering his tone. "Forgive me. Why should you be beholden to a man like him? Why do you torture yourself and say everything is fine, my lady? It pains me to look at you. It pains me to see a cruel, dishonest man try to extinguish such a bright light as yours."
"Your Grace, you don't understand. I am a woman. I had no choice, and I have no choice. I was promised to Flo- my husband, from an early age. It would seem pathetic if I began to complain about my life, after all, I have shelter, food and an honorable title. Women from all over the country envy me. Who am I to neglect that?" You spoke out, avoiding the Count's gaze.
"My God. Forgive me for forcing you to talk about this. But I can't sleep knowing he doesn't hold you in his sleep, isn't tender to you, and doesn't cherish every second spent with you. While for months, I've been warmed only by the warmth of your lips. I live thinking that I'm one day closer to meeting you, no matter when it happens. I know there's no justice in this life, because it's unfair to you." He took a few more steps closer, walking slowly.
You turned your face to the side, avoiding his eyes, your graceful curls slid over your face. "Your words hurt my heart. But what can we do? What we did back then... it's already a sin. We shouldn't have..." You couldn't find the words, but the Count spoke again.
"Yes, it's wrong. But look me in the eyes and tell me you regret it. Even if it's a sin, even if one kiss with you is worth a thousand sins, I'm ready to be a damned sinner, because only with you did I feel how close I was to heaven." He blurted out again, and when you looked into his eyes, you saw the heaviness in them. The weight of a burden he's been carrying for a long time.
"Let lightning strike me right now if I ever tell you I'll regret this. But I'm afraid we can't afford more. Our countries have only just formed an alliance; imagine what will happen if people find out about us. I don't care what happens to me, but you... please, don't risk it because of me. Find yourself a good woman, start a family. I promise you'll forget about me." As you said these words, it seemed as if you were convincing yourself with them. After all, there is no universe in the world in which you would be happy to see him with another.
The man shook his head, as if to show how useless this advice was. "You don't understand. I'm a grown man who's only been with women I didn't love, leaving me lonely my entire life. And I swear on my honor, the night I first laid eyes on you changed my life. And the hour I was privileged to touch you... I had to pinch myself to make sure it was real. Even now, standing before you, I can hardly believe I'm awake and you're crying because of me."
And only thanks to him did you notice how wet your eyes had become, a few tears already trickling down your cheek.
"Jean... I just want you to know... I would sacrifice everything I have just to be by your side. To wake up next to you, to go to balls together, and to run the Kirstein estate. My husband is a nasty man, and despite his sins, he's constantly looking for something to blame me for. My freedom depends on him; if he leaves, it'll be on my father again."
"What do you mean by sacrifices? I'm asking because if you're willing to give me your time just one more time, then I'll come. I'll definitely come, and I'll do everything I can to keep everything from being known. And... well, forget it. I'm sorry, forget what I've just said. I'll only endanger you." He quickly retreated.
"Wait, your- Jean. I'm ready. I'm not afraid, because even if I'm executed after meeting you, I'll die with a smile on my face. And no matter how reckless this decision may seem, I won't back down from it."
"Your higness, my lady, ma belle.." He stepped decisively closer and placed his hand on your cheek. You automatically leaned into him, feeling the familiar warmth of his hand. "No one will dare lay a finger on you as long as I live. If anyone tries to come between us, I will not be gentle with them."
"So, we'll see each other later?" Your eyes lit up with hope, and his gaze softened at the smile on your face.
"We'll see each other, mon cher. I promise you." He pulled a white handkerchief from his jacket pocket and gently wiped away your tears.
"But how? Where can we be alone, without prying eyes?"
"I have a hunting lodge here, in Eldia. It was given to me by Count Galliard in honor of the establishment of peace. It's located far from the estate. There's nothing nearby, it's safe. If you agree, if you're willing to give me the gift of time with you, I'll arrange everything. I'll send a letter the day the lodge is ready. I'll work out the details there. You just need to come up with an excuse." The Count intertwined his fingers with yours, squeezing them gently.
"I'll come as soon as I see your letter, I swear. And no one will stop me."
"I'll wait. I'll wake up and fall asleep thinking about the day I'll see you again. Now go inside the estate. I'll come in a little later, so no one suspects anything."
Before he could respond, you placed your hand on his cheek and, leaning toward him on your tiptoes, kissed him. Jean held you by the waist, locking your lips in a single kiss, filled with despair, pain, and months of thinking about each other.
You rested your forehead against his and looked into his eyes. "Consider this the seal of our agreement." He smiled and kissed you again, one last time before you walked into the card room and pretended nothing had happened.
2nd chapter coning soon!!
˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Tagging those who were encouraging me for writing this in comments🫶🏼:
@bambijumpropequeenxx @memoriesofahandkerchief @xxwinterknightxx
