he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@exhortcist
here i am again.. always finding myself in the same hole. why do i do the things i don’t want to do? i did it, now i find myself numb in regret, shame. Laying down telling myself how ridiculous it is. Before i do it, my mind does everything in its power to convince myself i should. i hate myself for it. im starting to realize it.. i want to stop.. i need to stop, or else it’ll devour me like many things have already tried too.
my flesh will always want to self destruct, forcing me to make decisions that are detrimental to my life at any given point. it always finds a way to excuse, even justify a path that is not good for me.
i am facing addiction for the 1098493th time in my life, it is incredibly hard. i always seem tor relapse, even if it’s for occasional purposes. i am thankful some ties of heavier substances have been broken in my life, but the ones that cannot be compared because they aren’t hard, and accepted by society, those are the hardest ones to let go off. it is always around you, in your neighborhood, in your phone and stupidly accessible.
the act of not being able to say “no” its whats creating conflict within me, a battle of morality, almost spiritual. it is tiring when you try to do everything by yourself, knowing you aren’t fully capable of controlling the variables in life as some things are totally out of your control..
i can only be hopeful..
bizarre!
Dear December,
please. bro please. please. bro please. please. just. dude. please. just a break. let me have one break. dude please, im begging you man, im already down, don’t kick me. bro please-
minimalism is cool but have you ever had all the things you love in your room
I really be wanting to erase myself from people’s memories
i want to erase ppl from my memories
they should invent a loneliness that’s bearable
alternatively, they should invent a loneliness that i don’t have to bear
oouuh, oouuuhhh!! we are hiring! we are hiring!! we are sooOO desperate for workers we will take anyone !! OOUUHH labor shortage!!!! pleaze let us hire you!! ouuUUUHuuuUhh................ Your application has been rejected. You are not what we're looking for at this time. We're sorry.
can we talk about eating disorder?
i’ve barely ate the past days, i start to feel weak, with no energy and incredibly nauseous. so i force myself to each something, which leads me to the cycle… to barely eat for the next couple of days.. because i feel so nauseous… it usually comes in waves, until i let myself slip, and i relapse.
i know i only have me, i must take care of me. especially if i want to be able to take care of others. so i try to be nice to myself, and be patient but not enabling at the same time. it’s a bit harder when it’s just you vs your mind, what you deserve vs what you don’t..
sometimes i have to convince myself that i need external help…
letters to milena by franz kafka // camouflage by ron hicks // the golden notebook by doris lessing // ? // a letter to galatea kazantzaki by nikos kazantzakis
i can spend hours telling you how much i love you and it would still not be enough
