If this has posted, then I have gone to the Halls of Waiting to sit beside my fathers, until the world is renewed.
While I do not deserve it, I ask for forgiveness for how I have acted of late. I say that I am not my grandfather but it would seem that I am similar enough to him that my heart and mind were overrun with the dragon sickness. If not for the love and belief that my company and kin had for me, I would most likely still be lost.
I feel as if I have woken from a sleep, though I am well aware of everything that I did. Looking back, I can see where the whispers of the sickness began to twist my thoughts and actions. It pains me that I allowed myself to listen to such whispers and let it change me from who I am. There are many apologies to be made and I must say them now, for if this posts, it means that I have lost all chance to say them later.
So, to the company: I cannot begin to say how proud and happy I am to have had each of you by my side during this quest. I could not have chosen finer companions to see this quest completed and am so grateful for the loyalty that you all hold. I know that it is because of that loyalty that you joined me in what seemed to be an impossible task. It is not enough to simply say that I am sorry for how I acted and treated all of you but please know that it pains me deeply, looking back, to see how I doubted and harmed you. I only ask for your forgiveness and for you to know that, if not for the sickness upon my mind, I would never have thought nor done such horrid things. You are each near to my heart and I hope that each of you finds happiness and long lives.
To my nanaddan: Kíli — You have grown so much during this quest and I am proud of how far you have come. The same sorrow that I feel in doubting the company, I feel when I think of how I doubted you. Not just in Erebor but in your love for Tauriel. It was wrong of me to speak against your love and I feel such shame in trying to prevent it. I hope and wish that the two of you find happiness in one another.
Fíli — Seeing as how this will only post if I have passed on, then that means that you, as my first heir, now sit as King of Erebor. I can think of no one finer for the role. Your heart is pure and true in a way that mine was not and I know that the sickness will find no place in you. Please do not take it as an insult when I say that you remind me of myself in that you deeply wish and strive for our people’s happiness and safety. I know that the same love for our people is within you and I know that they will be protected under your rule.
Both of you, please know that I love you both deeply. I have seen you both grow up to become Dwarves that have made me, and your mother, so very proud of you. I know that both of you looked up to me and I did nothing but cruelly tear your visions down. I cannot begin to say how sorry I am for that. Please, take care of each other and find happiness in the rest of your days.
To those of you reading this: All of you who have followed me throughout this quest, I say thank you. You have been by my side, not in presence, but in spirit. You have given me advice and have tried to shake me from the dark places that my mind has strayed. You have sent words of comfort when it was needed and I cannot be more grateful for those words. I am sorry that you had to witness my recent spiral into madness and appreciate all of your efforts to pull me out of it. I say to each of you — Fight for what you believe in but do not allow your focus to become so narrow that you ignore the fire around you. Remember the power in your words and do not be afraid to ask for help from those that love you. Do not be a mountain unto yourself.
Lastly, to Bilbo. My One. Amrâlimê. I cannot apologize to you enough for every peril that I have lead you through. I look back at my words and deeds at the Front Gate and my heart aches with regret. You did what only a true friend would do and you did it with love and honor in your heart. You stood by me in sickness and in health. Please know that your words helped during my madness, they truly did. I heard your voice and it reminded me of who I am — Thorin Oakenshield, the Dwarf that you vouched for in Lake-town, that you stood against a Warg for, that you chose to follow and love. I would hold no blame against you if you no longer hold love in your heart for me, as my actions against you were terrible. But know that I will love you for the rest of my days here and every day I spend in the Halls of Waiting. You are my One and while I wish that we had had more time to spend it together in happiness, please know that I am grateful to have had those few months with you. You brought me cheer and light where I thought I did not need it. You saw me and believed in me and cared for me in a way that I did not think anyone could besides my kin. Even now, your lullaby plays in my head and calms me. There is no way that I can thank you enough for everything that you have risked and done for me, for my kin and people, for Erebor. I love you, Bilbo, please know. So I ask that you return to your home, as I know how it tears one apart to be away from their home. Go back to your comforts and your life. Plant your trees and live to watch them grow. If this is where we must part, then I leave you with this: Thank you. I am sorry. Good-bye, best of loves and best of Hobbits.
It has always been my hope to see Erebor restored to life. Since the day it fell, I wanted nothing more than to see it rise once more and stand strong as it had. Perhaps I grew too focused on this dream, but it is because of the need to see my people happy and whole in their homeland. Though I may not survive this battle, I pray that it ends in victory and that light returns to the halls of Erebor. Light and song and life, flowing from the mountain as I remember it.
I must go now, as Dáin and my people need me. The company stands at my side, as they have from the beginning. I can think of none finer to stand with, here at the end.
I thank each of you for your kindness and wish you peace in your days.
At your service,
Thorin Oakenshield
Dwarven blacksmith who has found his home