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@exileddurin
I was once asked if I would find a different title for this documentation of the quest and I said that once Erebor was reclaimed, I would create a new place to tell of my homeland's rebirth. I have now done so and, starting tomorrow, will begin posting at a new location. If you wish to continue reading of my activities, please refer to this location. Thank you.
Thorin, I am glad to see you recovering! All of us were very worried for you, Fili, and Kili. Please try to relax and take your time in getting better. As to the issue with the beads and braids, perhaps you should just take Bilbo's word as truth in this instance. I really do think he's being sincere when he says that it was just a spur of the moment thing. And just personal opinion here; but I do believe you deserve your beads in his hair. If Bilbo wants them then all is well, I should think.
I thank you for your concern, especially for my nanaddan. It brings me relief, knowing that there are those who wish for their happiness and well-being.
I know that Bilbo says it was a sudden thing, but I also know that if I had not allowed myself to fall under the spell of the gold, the situation would not have come to pass.
I am glad you have your health, and of course the love of your friends and family (and One). You are a very good person, and I hope you find yourself happy all your days. ♥
I believe you see me in a light better than I deserve but I thank you for your kindness.
My king, I'm so relieved that you and your sister-children are well and on the mend. I wish you all quick recovery <3
Thank you for your kind words. It is heartening to see how many of you were concerned on our behalf.
How do you feel about your previous decisions now that you can think clearly? Specifically concerning what happened to Bombur and the scene at the ramparts. Also, how do you feel about Bilbo cutting his braids out? And may I ask exactly what that means?
I feel deep shame for how I hurt Bombur and the company, both with my actions and suspicions against them. They have said that they knew I was influenced by the sickness, but I feel that I have lost whatever trust they had in me and I would not blame them if they chose to never grant me forgiveness.
As for how I treated Bilbo on the ramparts… I have already apologized to him (he has told me to stop several times), but it continues to weigh heavily in my chest. I swore I would never hurt him, my One, and that I attempted to and wished to… It brings the taste of bile to my mouth.
Nothing brings home just how twisted I had become in my madness than the sheared parts of Bilbo’s hair where my braids once were. His cutting of his braids was a sign of mourning — for the Dwarf I had been, before my mind fell to madness. He had believed me to be equal to dead.
Thorin, I told you my reasons for cutting the braids. It was all spur-of-the-moment; I had no time to think properly.
Yes, you did tell me that but I can read the true reasons behind your actions. I hurt you and abandoned you in a way and I know that I do not deserve to see my beads in your hair again.
How do you feel about your previous decisions now that you can think clearly? Specifically concerning what happened to Bombur and the scene at the ramparts. Also, how do you feel about Bilbo cutting his braids out? And may I ask exactly what that means?
I feel deep shame for how I hurt Bombur and the company, both with my actions and suspicions against them. They have said that they knew I was influenced by the sickness, but I feel that I have lost whatever trust they had in me and I would not blame them if they chose to never grant me forgiveness.
As for how I treated Bilbo on the ramparts… I have already apologized to him (he has told me to stop several times), but it continues to weigh heavily in my chest. I swore I would never hurt him, my One, and that I attempted to and wished to… It brings the taste of bile to my mouth.
Nothing brings home just how twisted I had become in my madness than the sheared parts of Bilbo’s hair where my braids once were. His cutting of his braids was a sign of mourning — for the Dwarf I had been, before my mind fell to madness. He had believed me to be equal to dead.
Though it may be useless to write this; I do hope you wake to see it. You are a brave warrior, and will make a fine king. Fili and Kili too are wonderful dwarves, and all of you deserve to be safe, well, and happy. I sincerely wish all of you recover and you are able to read this some time.
Your kinds words are well appreciated, though I do not agree with your assessment of my kingship. I have already proved that I am a weak king.
I am overwhelmingly relieved that my nanaddan are safe and recovering. They are both still so young and it would have been of the highest tragedy if they had passed before they had been able to explore the futures before them.
While this quest may be over, you still have the quest of rebuilding your home
I am happy to still be here to have it.
Is Bilbo okay? We haven't heard much of him in last few days.
Bilbo is fine, though he has a wound on his head from the battle, one that apparently caused him to be unconscious for a length of time. But the healers have checked on him and say that he is well and healing. He is not limited to the tent, however, so he is helping around the camp where he can, which is why I believe he is not posting much.
My lord, how goes the day?
I have survived wounds that should have killed me, my One is still speaking with me despite my horrid acts against him, and my homeland is reclaimed and in the beginning processes of being rebuilt. The day is going quite well.
I do not know if you will ever see this, Thorin. But know that it has been the greatest of honors to follow you and your Company through this quest, and a wonderful sight to see you return to us. If you survive this, then may your beard ever grow longer, and if you do not, may your memory never fade. Farewell, Uzbadé - I hope you have many happy years to come.
I thank you very much for your kind words. I believe that it was the support and care that you and Bilbo and my kin all gave that pulled me away from the Halls of Waiting and back into this world.
When I woke from my healing sleep, it was to a roar so loud, I believed that I had woken in the middle of battle. However, it proved to have been a cheer from the company, gathered around my cot. Once I had shown signs of waking, they had all rushed to my side. I was in a state of disbelief for a long time, and I can feel it clinging to me even now, that not only were they all there but that they seemed happy to see me awake. After my actions against them, I would have not blamed them for bitterly speaking my name from then on and turning their heads at the sight of me. Yet they only seemed to hold relief and concern in their hearts.
It was a reunion of sorts and a tearful one, I will admit. I begged forgiveness from each of them to which they simply asked that I finish healing. They continually show their loyalty and I am continually grateful for their presence.
My nanaddan, despite their attempts similar to my own at entering the Halls of Waiting, awoke before me and have since been recovering. They are able to walk around, unlike myself, though they are both warned to rest often and to not strain themselves, lest they open healing wounds. They had been with the company to see me wake, but once the company had departed, they had greeted me again. I held them close for as long as they would let me, which was quite some time though I had no complaints. As they are only allowed to leave the tent we are in for very short amounts of time, Fíli and Kíli have both been at my side frequently in the past few days.
I have been given this chance to right my wrongs and to actually restore Erebor, as I have wished for so long. It feels, as the healers said, like a miracle.
I recall that I awoke just after the battle and, once I was reassured that my nanaddan and the company were all safe and being seen to, I asked for Bilbo. He was swiftly found and soon appeared at my side. I remember that the relief at seeing him alive and well was nearly enough to steal away the little breath that remained in my chest.
I begged him to forgive me for the wrongs I had done to him, though I do not deserve it. But he did, saying that the perils he had faced at my side were more than he deserved. If I had had the strength in me to, I could have wept at his words. I asked him to please return to his home, as I could not bear for my quest to have robbed someone of their home, especially Bilbo who has done so much to help reclaim Erebor. But he refused, saying that he would stay at my side until I was healed, that he would not leave until I was on my feet once again.
He said that he loved me. It was the first time that he had spoken it aloud, though I had known it to be true long before then. But to hear him say it was a declaration that I had had no hope of hearing, especially after what I had done.
Bilbo tells me that I fell into a deep, healing sleep for several days following our conversation. There was doubt that I would awaken again but through what has been claimed to be a miracle, I have returned to the living, though it will be some time before I can walk among them again, given my wounds.
I apologize for any panic I may have caused with my most recent post. Bilbo informed me that it had been posted (he did so by rushing into my tent, waking me, and claiming that I had nearly given him a heart attack). I have only just recently regained consciousness from the sleep I had fallen in after the battle, so I was unsure of the exact day and had forgotten that I had set my last will to post.
I will not take it down, however. The words that I wrote are true. I am deeply sorry for the wrongs that I did within the mountain. There is no way to take back my actions but I will try to fix what I have done and see that peace comes to Erebor.
If this has posted, then I have gone to the Halls of Waiting to sit beside my fathers, until the world is renewed.
While I do not deserve it, I ask for forgiveness for how I have acted of late. I say that I am not my grandfather but it would seem that I am similar enough to him that my heart and mind were overrun with the dragon sickness. If not for the love and belief that my company and kin had for me, I would most likely still be lost.
I feel as if I have woken from a sleep, though I am well aware of everything that I did. Looking back, I can see where the whispers of the sickness began to twist my thoughts and actions. It pains me that I allowed myself to listen to such whispers and let it change me from who I am. There are many apologies to be made and I must say them now, for if this posts, it means that I have lost all chance to say them later.
So, to the company: I cannot begin to say how proud and happy I am to have had each of you by my side during this quest. I could not have chosen finer companions to see this quest completed and am so grateful for the loyalty that you all hold. I know that it is because of that loyalty that you joined me in what seemed to be an impossible task. It is not enough to simply say that I am sorry for how I acted and treated all of you but please know that it pains me deeply, looking back, to see how I doubted and harmed you. I only ask for your forgiveness and for you to know that, if not for the sickness upon my mind, I would never have thought nor done such horrid things. You are each near to my heart and I hope that each of you finds happiness and long lives.
To my nanaddan: Kíli — You have grown so much during this quest and I am proud of how far you have come. The same sorrow that I feel in doubting the company, I feel when I think of how I doubted you. Not just in Erebor but in your love for Tauriel. It was wrong of me to speak against your love and I feel such shame in trying to prevent it. I hope and wish that the two of you find happiness in one another. Fíli — Seeing as how this will only post if I have passed on, then that means that you, as my first heir, now sit as King of Erebor. I can think of no one finer for the role. Your heart is pure and true in a way that mine was not and I know that the sickness will find no place in you. Please do not take it as an insult when I say that you remind me of myself in that you deeply wish and strive for our people’s happiness and safety. I know that the same love for our people is within you and I know that they will be protected under your rule. Both of you, please know that I love you both deeply. I have seen you both grow up to become Dwarves that have made me, and your mother, so very proud of you. I know that both of you looked up to me and I did nothing but cruelly tear your visions down. I cannot begin to say how sorry I am for that. Please, take care of each other and find happiness in the rest of your days.
To those of you reading this: All of you who have followed me throughout this quest, I say thank you. You have been by my side, not in presence, but in spirit. You have given me advice and have tried to shake me from the dark places that my mind has strayed. You have sent words of comfort when it was needed and I cannot be more grateful for those words. I am sorry that you had to witness my recent spiral into madness and appreciate all of your efforts to pull me out of it. I say to each of you — Fight for what you believe in but do not allow your focus to become so narrow that you ignore the fire around you. Remember the power in your words and do not be afraid to ask for help from those that love you. Do not be a mountain unto yourself.
Lastly, to Bilbo. My One. Amrâlimê. I cannot apologize to you enough for every peril that I have lead you through. I look back at my words and deeds at the Front Gate and my heart aches with regret. You did what only a true friend would do and you did it with love and honor in your heart. You stood by me in sickness and in health. Please know that your words helped during my madness, they truly did. I heard your voice and it reminded me of who I am — Thorin Oakenshield, the Dwarf that you vouched for in Lake-town, that you stood against a Warg for, that you chose to follow and love. I would hold no blame against you if you no longer hold love in your heart for me, as my actions against you were terrible. But know that I will love you for the rest of my days here and every day I spend in the Halls of Waiting. You are my One and while I wish that we had had more time to spend it together in happiness, please know that I am grateful to have had those few months with you. You brought me cheer and light where I thought I did not need it. You saw me and believed in me and cared for me in a way that I did not think anyone could besides my kin. Even now, your lullaby plays in my head and calms me. There is no way that I can thank you enough for everything that you have risked and done for me, for my kin and people, for Erebor. I love you, Bilbo, please know. So I ask that you return to your home, as I know how it tears one apart to be away from their home. Go back to your comforts and your life. Plant your trees and live to watch them grow. If this is where we must part, then I leave you with this: Thank you. I am sorry. Good-bye, best of loves and best of Hobbits.
It has always been my hope to see Erebor restored to life. Since the day it fell, I wanted nothing more than to see it rise once more and stand strong as it had. Perhaps I grew too focused on this dream, but it is because of the need to see my people happy and whole in their homeland. Though I may not survive this battle, I pray that it ends in victory and that light returns to the halls of Erebor. Light and song and life, flowing from the mountain as I remember it.
I must go now, as Dáin and my people need me. The company stands at my side, as they have from the beginning. I can think of none finer to stand with, here at the end.
I thank each of you for your kindness and wish you peace in your days.
At your service, Thorin Oakenshield Dwarven blacksmith who has found his home
There is much that I must make amends for and I ask for more forgiveness than I can possibly hope to receive.
Though I do not deserve their loyalty, especially after having doubted them and hurt them as I did, my company, my kin, have agreed to fight at my side.
Many of you have also expressed your joy at my return and I thank you for your kind words. I apologize for having allowed my heart and mind to have been taken as they were.
As with any battle, any day faced, there is no guarantee of return. If I do return, then the apologizes that are due will be given then. And if I do not, then they will still appear in time.
I am sorry for every wrong that I have done in these past weeks. Each one weighs heavily on my heart. And I thank you, each of you, for following me through this quest.
What's the worth of a life?
This question was asked of me some time ago and I am sorry for the wait in answering. It has taken me a long while to understand it myself and I fear my answer may not be the one you seek.
A life is worth what is made of it. There is potential in everything, in everyone. Even things that seem small, such as an acorn found in a garden, can be priceless in the eyes of one who knows where to look. With help and care, it can grow and become something grand that possibly even it did not know that it could.
