Dave
I have wanted for days to put some thoughts together but am still struggling to know how. I am trying but I am sure I will stumble. I appreciate the patience in advance.
On Friday, I got devastating news that someone I loved dearly had taken his life. I have been stunned and numb for several days but I wanted to write some words about my beautiful, rare, precious friend Dave. I wanted people I love and know to know and think about him. My heart and soul are with his family and friends right now. I hope there is some value in trying to share what he meant to me.
I first met Dave when I was 30, ten years ago. We met on a dating website I don’t even know exists anymore - Nerve.com. I remember he had a screen name that referenced gum in some way. I learned fairly early on his nickname was Coffee Shop Dave - CSD. The moment I met him, all I thought was that he was beautiful, creative, filled with joy and love. Our first date was at a Mexican restaurant in the Arlington area (I was living in Maryland at the time, just outside DC). I remember wearing this dress that was eggplant purple with a high empire waist thingy. This will become relevant later.
After dinner, in which neither of us could stop laughing or joking, we decided to go for a walk down by the monuments. It was a gorgeous night in early fall. I felt so alive, being around this person. We were giggling and conspiratorial; he felt like a spirit I had known all my life and wanted to be around. I looked up at the Washington Monument and the grass all around us and said, “I wish I wasn’t wearing this dress - I would do a cartwheel right now.”
Dave looked at me with a huge and joyful grin and said, “I will do one for you.” And he did. I was absolutely smitten. He didn’t even seem quite human to me, he was so magical.
I went home on a cloud. Within hours I got a long and thoughtful email from him, but my heart sank a little. He was very newly out of a relationship that he said ended painfully, had no plan to be in the DC area long-term, and didn’t know where things were taking him in general. But he said he loved hanging out and had an amazing time and if I was up for it, did I still want to keep getting to know each other, given the risks involved.
Of course I did. Being around him made folks feel alive. Not just me. So many of his friends and loved ones. He loved to dance, and he loved music - some we agreed on, and some we diverged on. I remember taking him to some shows with me in DC and also him coming to see me play with my band. He said to me once, “One day you should just play drums and I will dance.” It made so much sense to me. It felt so beautifully, wonderfully alive and childlike. It’s all I wanted to do. I had a wooden toy of a bear playing drums while a rabbit danced. I showed it to him and said it was us.
We spent a lot of time sitting on the porch, sharing hopes and dreams, talking for hours on end. We never ran out of things to say. It was like the clock was ticking on all we wanted to share with one another. At one point he told me, “I really hated that dress you wore on our first date. I knew if I liked her in that, I must really like her.”
We only dated a few months, and then he went on a trip to Central America. I watched his cats in those months; Antares and Ella. It was a confusing time - we weren’t clear of what our relationship was exactly, but we just wanted to talk constantly. He’d Skype me from Costa Rica and we’d write long and involved emails. All I knew for sure was that I wanted to know this beautiful soul, even if it was also confusing and a little painful because the future was unclear.
Eventually, he came back to DC, but been accepted into a school in Montana. We parted ways, and it was heartbreaking - simply because I loved being around him. For a while, we didn’t talk. Three months later, he sent me a really involved Christmas gift, with artwork and collages and a letter that said “I miss you.” We started talking on the phone again, and tried to establish a friendship. We did. There was no way we were not going to find a way to be in each other’s lives. We stayed in touch through his move to Pittsburgh for graduate school and then on through his move to Los Angeles. We wouldn’t let too many months go by without getting on the phone, and we’d swap gchats and texts every three weeks or so. He never bored me. He was awake and present in his life in a way that inspired me. He looked at the world with wonder and curiosity I rarely see adults have.
Dave was passionate like few people I have ever met. He had a vision for what he wanted to do in the world, and he worked to do it. He had been building powerful educational computer and tabletop games for the past few years, and in recent weeks I had connected with him to help him put out press releases announcing some new apps in time for the school year. He was passionate about wanting to help kids learn, and volunteered at local schools and with groups. He especially wanted to make learning easier for kids who had any kind of struggle or issue learning. It was yet one more beautiful thing about him.
I loved watching Dave fly his model planes; I loved hearing about his diving trips, either underwater or skydiving; I loved his mind and the way he’d turn ideas over forever. He held values I related to; one of the last talks he and I had was one where he discussed some of his feelings about recent events in the world involving violence, xenophobia and racism. He talked about his own journey as a young child learning what it meant to try to speak up when people around him and in his orbit were being racist, and how to challenge the racism inside us that we as white people have a job to do.
I remember he loved a lot of neat artists like Imogen Heap and Regina Spektor. He always took interest in my music and was really supportive to me about it; he was himself creative and artistic, but he celebrated it and nurtured it in others.
I would give anything to be able to sit with him right now and hug him. I would give anything to talk with him and to see him smile again. I am not a religious person but I am praying in my own way that this wonderful, powerful, beautiful soul is at peace. I want my friend to know peace.
I miss him so much already. I love him. I wish everyone reading this could have known him. I am so glad we decided our connection mattered too much to throw away. I am so glad we had these nine years in one another’s lives. I would do anything to be able to tell him one more time how much he meant to me and to others. He lit a fire in so many of us and made us want to grab on to each moment with all our might.
Years ago, I wrote a song inspired by him. It was part of a project EP I made. As part of it, I asked him what animal he’d be most likely to characterize me as when we knew one another. He said an owl. So that’s the name of the song. I’ve been listening to it a lot these past few days and thinking of him. I am sharing it here.
I love you, DJF. I will always hold you in my heart and think of you. I am filled with gratitude to have gotten to know you in this life, and I will hold you in the light now. Rest in Peace, dearest friend.