Explorations In My Id

A secondary blog for exploring the quirks and dark corners of my mind. My primary blog is @NDCirque so if you get a reply or reblog from that ID, that's me and it's Tumblr's fault.

[explorationsoftheid]

Just a few notes about being an adult.

When I was a kid I was teased about my odd interests, about the foods I disliked, or the clothes I preferred to wear, about a lot of things. When I grew up, for a while I tried to hide that side of me. I tried to fit in with other adults, I wore a suit, tried to eat the popular foods and watch the things my peers did. Then one day I realized something: I AM an adult, a grown-up. I can do whatever the f- I want to. If other people don’t like it or think it’s childish that’s a them problem. I like and watch cartoons and anime. If someone doesn’t like it that’s too bad. I don’t like violent or scary movies or shows. I don’t care if ‘everyone’ is seeing something. If I don’t think I’ll like it I don’t go. I can do that, I’m an adult. I also talk ‘oddly’ with a lot of complex words. It’s the result of the stutter I struggled with as a kid. I developed a huge vocabulary because if one word didn’t work, I could swap in another. Some people have told me that I should try to talk ‘normal’. They said the way I talk makes me sound pretentious. I told them to f-off and then asked of that came across as too pretentious. Conversely, people my age eat stuff like cottage cheese and drink coffee. I don’t, I think those are nasty. So I have peanut butter sandwiches, or pudding, or sometimes mac & cheese if I feel like it and drink sweet tea or Pepsi. Why? Because I like it and I’m an adult and can do what I want.

I understand that some of us have higher support needs and won’t be able to live on our own. But for those of us who will become independent keep this in mind. Being an adult isn’t like being a kid in school, you don’t have to fit in with the group. You can find your niche find people who get you, find a job that suits you. You can be true to yourself. Is it easy? No, but it’s no worse than masking all the time and trying to be someone you’re not. And not having to mask all the time is healthier for you.

[explorationsoftheid]

“Why don’t you visit the guys you used to work with? You were good friends with them”

My partner mentioned this one day when I was wondering out loud where I wanted to ride next.

“Oh yeah, but uh, no.”

“Why not?”

How do I explain this. You see yes we got along really good when I worked there. We had some laughs, went through some good times, and some bad. It was great. But that was when I worked there. I quit five years ago. I learned long ago that there are coworkers and there are friends. I can be friendLY with coworkers but as soon as we aren’t working together it’s over. In the past I have tried to keep a relationship going, emails, that sort of thing after I left a job. It never worked. The only thing keeping us together was that we worked for the same company. Proof? After I leave a place nobody ever tried to call me up, meet at the pub, or anything. The couple of times I tried to stop in to say hi at my old place of work, it felt awkward and weird because I didn’t work there anymore.

So no I’m not going to swing by the shop to see everybody.

Honestly though, I can say the same about people I knew in school, people I knew I in University, the neighbours we got along really well with three houses ago, people I was on various projects with or in plays with. Once it was over, once the thing that kept us in each other’s sphere ended, it was over. My partner is different. They keep in touch with people they knew from college, from various jobs, from childhood. I don’t. They were all situational, and the situation ended.

[explorationsoftheid]

We are working with a company that we have worked with for well over a decade. My partner and I worked FOR the company for quite a few years. We have a very good relationship. But with our latest project they are behind schedule. I dropped the person we know best a note asking what the status was. I got a call back, they were very apologetic, but April was a mess, with people quitting, new systems not working, and personal things happening that put them way behind.

Now like I said, I worked for them for some years. I know how this goes. But I couldn’t help think of the times I was on the other side of this. That something happened and I would try to explain why, only to be cut off and told I was ‘making excuses’.

[explorationsoftheid]

Often when someone says “That person has a mental problem” they really mean, “I find it annoying and want to pathologize them to make it go away.”

[explorationsoftheid]

Just had a meltdown. Fortunatly nobody was around and I’ve gotten myself put back together, but nonetheless it happened.

For me my triggering thing is money. Not that we are in trouble with that but I have always had trouble dealing with financial things. Right now I’m doing the paperwork to close one account and consolidate it into another one at a different institution. The sort of thing that people do a million times per year. For most people it’s not a big deal. But for me it is. You see there is a deep dark part of my psyche that is convinced that those on the other end are looking for a way, any way, to rip me off. I tried doing these forms myself and I just couldn’t. I got a few things entered, wasn’t sure what they were asking for, and panicked, literally panicked. So yesterday I met with an investment person at my Credit Union, that’s where the money is going to. She went through the form and got things sorted out. I just needed to bring the forms home, enter their handwritten information and changes, and then send them off to the investment company.

Unfortunately today while I was doing that I found another error and I lost it. I just freaked out and had a meltdown. You see I am CONVINCED on a deep visceral level that if I send these forms in with an error, any error, the tiniest most microscopic little thing, one digit in a 32 digit number string, the right data in the wrong place, a font they don’t like, they will have their chance. The company will blame the credit union, who will blame the company, then both will blame me, and my money will have vanished like a playing card in the hands of a magician. The rational part of me is telling me that isn’t how it works. That if there’s an error they will check with me and sort it out. But the emotional part of me just panics. I just cannot trust people or even worse companies when it comes to money.

This is why I just hate dealing with financial things like this. I KNOW I will screw it up and I KNOW that it will leave me broke. Yes in school I went through a couple of classes about that sort of thing and I did very well. But that was theoretical.That wasn’t real money. That wasn’t MY real money. My partner on the other hand is great with financial things. They balance our check books, and they decide on investments, and let me know when I need to do something about taxes, and all of that stuff. Because of this though, they just can’t understand why I have so much trouble with it. They just shake their head and laugh it off. But for me I just find taxes, and investments, and insurances, and accounts, and retirements, and all of that terrifying and overwhelming.

If we autistic people can have ‘special interests’ can we also have ‘special blind spots’? Particular things that we just can’t manage?

[explorationsoftheid]

Tonight dinner is a cold plate: crackers, cheese, and sliced ham

Ok, now that I’ve started eating it’s just cheese and sliced ham

Crackers are just too loud

[explorationsoftheid]

I know it may sound weird but I don’t really like sleeping. I don’t dream generally. At least I don’t remember them and if I do it’s the bad ones. I may feel less tired when I wake up but the difference is subtle. My sleep period is chopped up with being awake several times in the night. These periods range from a few minutes to an hour. When I’m trying to get to sleep it’s boring and when I wake in the middle of the bight my mind is wandering keeping me from dropping off again. Worst of all I keep thinking of all the things I could be doing except I need to sleep for a third of the day. A third of my life when I am not writing or reading or creating or the other things I love to do.

Blech.

[explorationsoftheid]

When I was a kid my folks drilled into me that you have to think ahead, think of the consequences, always keep in mind what comes after. The result of this though is that I learned to not react to things. When I was a kid I held back from having a tantrum or a meltdown, because I could hear my Mom’s voice saying, ‘and what are you going to do after? What did that accomplish?’ I did not get angry, or more accurately I didn’t show that I was angry, because that wouldn’t fix things, it might even have made the situation worse. I learned to swallow my feelings, hide the hurt, mask my anger, bury my sadness. If things got to be too much, I would go away, hide in my room, hide my feelings. I would shut down, but only in private. This made me a ‘good kid’ who ‘doesn’t cause problems’. But it also meant that I don’t really know how to deal with emotions. I don’t shout, or scream, or punch a pillow. I don’t act out, or talk to anyone about it. I,grew up with the idea that emotions are private things that aren’t shown. Ok, there is humour, laugh, make a joke, deflect, distract, that’s acceptable. That’s what my dad used a lot. He of course ended up coping, alone, with alcohol. That’s why I don’t drink. But telling someone, ‘you fucked up and I’m really pissed about that’, nope. I just don’t do that. I don’t know HOW to do that. It does make me an adult that has an air of calmness, of rationality, of logic that others find comforting. They don’t know that inside I’m often holding everything together with duct tape and hope.

This isn’t healthy.

[explorationsoftheid]

Did you ever play ‘house’ or whatever they called it when you were a kid? You know the game where you would pretend to be a mommy or daddy doing normal things? I never did. Being a normal person in a normal family living a normal life sounded boring to me.

Still does.

[schlarklezyaoi]

the fact that we only have “herculean task” and “sisyphean task” feels so limiting. so here’s a few more tasks for your repertoire

icarian task: when you have a task you know you’re going to fail at anyways, so why not have some fun with it before it all comes crashing down

cassandrean task: when you have to deal with people you KNOW won’t listen to you, despite having accurate information, and having to watch them fumble about when you told them the solution from the start (most often witnessed in customer service)

feel free to chime in i ran out of ideas much faster than i anticipated

[sherbertilluminated]

Promethean task: opposite of a Cassandraean task. You have the right information, and SOMEONE has to share it. But it's all in the delivery and if you're the person to identify the problem you WILL be hated forever.

[thearrogantemu]

Oedipal Task: (1) Attempting to avoid an unspeakably awful outcome and in doing so creating the circumstances that will bring it about. (2) Trying to solve an problem and discovering that you are in fact the problem you are trying to solve.

[theoppositeofprofound]

Odyssean task: you’ll complete it but it’ll take 20 times longer than it should and involve multiple side quests and mini-adventures

[goblinindenial]

Ah feel 'sif an Odyssian task is basically a poor sod mid ADHD

[haarlow]

A Pandorean task - just the act of starting it unleashes all manner of disasters.

[explorationsoftheid]

In the play Julias Caesar, Mark Antony says “The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interrèd with their bones” (Act 3, Scene 2).

Why is it that I find memories are like this? I have good memories, but I have to dig for them. When I find them they are faded, decayed, and fuzzy. But bad memories? Oh memories of bad times, traumatic events, unpleasant and embarrassing situations, they will often come back to me unbidden and as clear as the day they happened.

[explorationsoftheid]

My Internal Dialogue

It’s 6:00. I guess I should have some dinner.

Am I hungry?

I, uh…I don’t know. I mean it is TIME to eat.

Yeah but is that why I want to eat something, because it’s what most people do about now, or do I actually feel hungry?

I don’t know.

I know, I’ll go into the kitchen and see what looks good.

<walks into the kitchen and looks around>

What’s in the fridge? Huh…nothing that looks good. There’s some leftovers, but I don’t think so, besides I’d have to put them on a plate and heat them up. Afterwards I would need to wash the plate. Naaaaa, it’s not worth the effort.

Slice of cheese? Oh, well, that’s an idea I guess so yes…but actually no. It’s just not sounding good right now.

<closes the fridge and spots a bowl on the counter>

I could have a piece of fruit? Naaaa, that doesn’t sound good right now either. An apple is a lot and I hate the feel of biting into them. A banana just has no appeal right now.

<laughs at the inadvertant pun>

Let’s keep looking.

How about a cookie? A nice chocolate chip cookie. I like those, but Naaaa not right now. I think I should have some real food, not a treat. Same goes for chips, or crackers. They’re too salty and greasy. I don’t want to resort to junk food, again. No if I’m going to eat something I think it’s supposed to be something good, something nutritious.

<looks in the cupboard>

Soup? I could open a can? I mean I could, but Naaaa, I don’t think I’d eat a whole can of soup. Then the leftovers would end up in the fridge and I’d have to deal with them later. Plus there’s the whole washing dishes thing again. I just don’t think I have the energy to do that.

<chuckles at not having the spoons to wash a spoon>

Well then, what should I have?

Do I really need to eat? Am I just bowing to conventional wisdom?

No, no, let’s not go through that again. I really should eat something, but what?

How about a slice of bread?

Naaaaa, but that’s so plain.

Well, I could put something on it. There’s meat and cheese in the fridge.

Well yeah, but…making a sandwich is a lot like cooking and I’m not really feeling like cooking.

Ok then so how about peanut butter?

On the bread?

Yeah, simple, easy, only dirties one butter knife. That might be the thing.

<five minutes later I have the peanut butter out, but not the bread. I’ve gotten distracted trying to clean the peanut butter from the sides of the jar with the knife so it looks better.>

And this is why dinner tonight was a tablespoon of peanut butter eaten from the butterknife.

[explorationsoftheid]

Really Stupid Thought That Just Crossed My Brain

Why would I go to a therapist and burden them with my problems? They have enough of their own.

[autistic-af]

Source ~ Neurodivergent_Lou

Alt Text added to each image.

Note: these are different ways these can show up. They can also show up in a stereotypical way. If you've met one autistic, you've met one autistic.

[teaboot]

REALLY

FUCKING ALL OF THEM??!?!?!!

[angst-fairy]

I thought identifying emotions was only others emotions because I thought everyone wasn't able to tell what they were feeling....

[autistic-af]

Not identifying emotions is known as alexithymia. It is a separate condition to autism but very very very common with autism.

But uh.... apparently people do know what they are feeling. 🤷‍♀️ Wish I did.

[explorationsoftheid]

I need to see posts like this occasionally. Times when I start questioning if I’m REALLY autistic, this reminds me that Oh Yeah I am.

[explorationsoftheid]

I got wondering about something. A semantics question.

Someone with autism, such as myself is an Autistic Person. (At least that’s the form I prefer)

How would you refer to someone with ADHD? Do you HAVE to say A Person With ADHD or is there a different form that is accepted? ADHDic Person doesn’t sound right.

[moniquill]

[explorationsoftheid]

Uh, actually I’m afraid of vacuum cleaners. The big loud ones. I really can’t handle the noise.

[fieryfoxboy]

As an autistic person I struggle with the process of making friends in the sense that, I never know how or when to bridge the gap between “acquaintances” and “friends” and just kinda get stuck there

[explorationsoftheid]

If I may be very honest I’ve given up on figuring out this ‘friends’ concept. I have acquaintances. I have coworkers. I have relatives. I have had people I was friendLY with. But if a friend is someone that you could visit to just hang out with, or that would call you out of the blue to go somewhere, or that you could contact if your car was stuck at 2:00 in the morning, no. I have never known anyone like that. It’s an alien concept, and I’m not sure it’s real. I have no idea how that would work. I sure have never known anyone like that.

(For the record I’m autistic and 65 years old.)