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Regret

My brother died 87 days ago today, I wasn't very nice with him 3 weeks earlier. He drove his car somewhat fast and I argued with him that its dangerous - his car accident wasn't the cause of death though. It was an underlying heart issue. We didn't know.

I sat by his ICU bed for two weeks, watching him die. People prayed, said have hope, have faith. Fuck off, death has signs. I only wanted to say I am sorry. Only needed him to live. Death is fucking final.

If you have not experienced its "finality" - the way it takes someone you care for away. Then I hope you have the strength that I still seek. I'm my normal self in front of the kids, yes and my wife. Mom knows, she hurst on another level.

Life is not fun, I don't like it. Achievements are not making the hurt of loss any better. Satisfaction is temporary. I have to hold on, I have kids, and a wife. I work away often and am alone a lot. Loneliness fucks me up. No amount of achievement has the lasting impression of loss.

Took me 8 years to cope from loss when I was 24, she died, then at 27 someone else passed, I had to tell both their parent I am sorry its your child. How, what and the detail is irrelevant now. It changed me. It took a long time to forget how my dad reacted when I was 8. Sobbing uncontrollably when he experienced loss. I cant do that in front of my kids I thought yet at my brothers funeral - talking as a speaker in front of the whole church I sobbed uncontrollably. I repeat the cycle. Now I have to fix it. But I cant lie - it hurts. I miss my brother. He truly cared, loved and listened. I dont have answers, no questions either. It just hurts. Sorry.

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Sri Lankan architect Geoffrey Bawa inspired the open spaces of this Australian seaside home on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. Photo by @caitlinmillsphotography Interiors by @frankmacchia

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