'texts from last night' starters
[MSG]: His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob.
[MSG]: Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
[MSG]: Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
[MSG]: He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
[MSG]: YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
[MSG]: So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
[MSG]: The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
[MSG]: Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test.
[MSG]: Do me a solid and hit me with your car.
[MSG]: The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka.
[MSG]: As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
[MSG]: I don't think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
[MSG]: I don't call her my roommate, that's too cordial. I prefer to refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me.
[MSG]: Why does every poor decision I make end up with over 1000 likes on YouTube?
[MSG]: Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records.
[MSG]: How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
[MSG]: I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
[MSG]: She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
[MSG]: My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
[MSG]: Okay, just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
[MSG]: At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
[MSG]: I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now.
[MSG]: You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time.
[MSG]: Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex.