Tomorrow I am seeing my partner after a month - a disastrous month, to be fair - and I am very nervous. A part of me wants to unravel everything I have thought and perceived during this month, but another part says that I should try to be normal and nice and enjoy the time together, also in order to have a good memory to cherish myself with when he will be gone again.
I just have this feeling that he’s not in love with me anymore and I have no idea where does this come from, or like, I KNOW the reasons why I started to feel doubtful and all of them have something to do with my traumatised self. For example I started to have this jealousy thing when I realised I could not be of any help for him, which makes me feel unqualified for love. hence, I started to feel loveless.
My only doubt is whether this is totally solipsistic or he actually DID something for me to feel like this, apart from having had a terrible rough period this autumn because of the move. But at the same time a lost equilibrium can ruin a lot of things and we never managed to fully recover from this said period… and we never really talked about it after we found our new apartment, because as soon as we moved in, he moved to another city for this job he’s at now.
Everything had a bit of a failed timing, and I have lacked energy in these past weeks to cope with everything that happened this autumn by myself and at the same time build a new routine, get to know people, stay social, start a new job, fix the apartment… all by me myself and I. with my partner being kilometres away and emotionally unavailable because he’s probably also just focusing on his job to stay afloat.
Idk, even tonight I am drowning in my own thoughts and I hope things will be cleared just by a certain look in the eyes, a touch of hands, a shared meal…
I never ever had such a strong anxiety towards this relationship and it’s so scary
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