saving just in case

secret blog about dpd + complaining about friends who follow my main

[faeraldisaster]

Nobody! Cares! What! You! Have! To! Say!!!!

me every time my roommate talks

[faeraldisaster]

I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me then and what you're doing to them now. You realize Olivia has lived in that house for her entire life? You are a multi millionaire. There's no reason but selfishness for you to stay in a five bedroom house and make your wife, two children, and nine pets move into an apartment. I'm not surprised at all, though, given that you've made this all about poor Joe and you're so sad and so alone and don't have your family by your side (isn't it odd that hitting a person makes them want to stay away from you?)

[faeraldisaster]

and this is so horribly selfish and I hate myself for it, but the thing is: I’m the one he hurt, in the beginning. I was the little girl with the bad table manners and I was screamed at, cursed at, the plates and bowls I ducked were aimed at my head, I was the one he laid his hands on, and no one did anything. my mother took his side. I learned to hide my pain and my bruises and say nothing because I deserved it, after all, for not obeying him and respecting his authority.

and later when I was with Luke I reached out so many times, I so desperately wanted someone to hear how I was hurting, to listen to what was being done to me. I wanted someone on my side and I was rejected over and over again until I did believe he was the only one who loved me.

and now after I’ve grown up and gone away they’re waking up, now he’s hurt someone else and they’re listening and I’m here helping them put themselves back together. now my mom is sending me pages and pages of screenshotted conversations so I can point out each and every instance of manipulation, so she can know she’s not alone, that I’m on her side and willing to help her. and of course I’m doing that, I wouldn't be able to live with myself otherwise, but I just wish that when I was eleven someone had been there to help me.

[faeraldisaster]

it's surreal, almost, because we're actually talking about it. it's like waking up from a dream. suddenly we're all acknowledging all the bad things that have happened over the years and saying them out loud. I've talked to some friends about it, too, and they've all been shocked because they had no idea any of this was going on. well, yeah, of course, because I barely did. we've all learned to ignore it and forget it and brush it under the rug. it's nothing out of the ordinary, it's just what life is like. even though I've known my whole life that it's not okay, it's still strange to say things out loud because this is like, stereotypical abusive dynamics, it seems glaringly obvious and horrible, not connected to the everyday reality of our lives. but it is, it is, it is.

[faeraldisaster]

turns out I can't actually formulate my thoughts into anything tangible, it's just a sea of I hope they're safe and I hope I'm also safe and I hope she doesn't give in and feeling powerless to stop it

[histrionic-hero]

when someone is no longer your fp and you see them without the rose colored glasses for the first time and its just like

what the fuck was i thinking

[faeraldisaster]

I love barely being able to function and knowing everyone in my life is sick of my shit but not being able to stop it

[faeraldisaster]

I don't relate at all to mental illness tumblr because I??? Don't want???? To be like this?????? I'm not going to excuse my bad behavior because I have it ~*~so hard~*~ and everyone else should be grateful they're not me?

[faeraldisaster]

ah yes by all means please open all our stuff with your grubby little hands I beg you

[satanhaus-deactivated20220217]

don’t you hate when you have a Mental Health Moment™ and then you have to deal with your shame about being a freak who can’t control their emotions

[faeraldisaster]

some people just. shouldn't sing. ever.

[youngandrestlessx]

[so-goth-deactivated20170909]

💀

[faeraldisaster]

ha someone on my dash is talking about suicide via starvation and it sounds like a good idea

[allthecoloursatonce]

Anyone else terrified that they are toxic and manipulative and just can’t see it? Or is that just me?

[unsends-deactivated20170829]

im permanently emotionally damaged but it’s chill, I’m chill

[faeraldisaster]

So happy :) that I get :) to spend :) another entire year :) living with :) a racist :) I’m just so thrilled and honored :))))))))))

[faeraldisaster]

petition for me to get a dollar every time my roommate talks and is oblivious to the fact that I don’t care about literally anything they’re saying

[faeraldisaster]

when will it end