Faf's Letters

Faf is this rebellious and impudent inner child we all have. She has terrible manners, doesn't respect anything and either exults and praises to the skies someone or something when she likes it, or gives it hell and denounces without flinching when she hates. There is no in-between with her. She is a tyranic child, convinced that she holds the truth. But Faf, she is very straight forward. She brings down all the walls, crosses all the lines, and rips apart all the codes. And this is exactly what's so liberating ! She can send an e-mail to her neighbours to tell them how much she's grateful to have them, and another one to her boss to tell him to go to hell. We don't do that. Because this is not socially acceptable, because it could be taken the wrong way and mainly, mainly, because we have bills to pay.

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To: British people

Object: what the fuck is wrong with you ?!

Dear British people,

I would like to start this letter with a big fat I love you. For your tea time, your endless love for animals and weird haircuts. For your quirkiness and your pop music. For Harry Potter and your equestrian traditions. For your delightful and incredibly diverse accents and your awkward passion for your Royal family. For Docto Who, for your cheese and your pubs. And for so many other things.

But, honestly.

What the fuck is wrong with you ?!

When you first voted yes to Brexit, we thought you had got hit on the head. A moment of absence. The United States had a black president so maybe that was your way to provoke them. You know, just to make sure they were all right.

So when you did a typical dumb american thing, the original brexiters had to fight back. And that’s how they put Donald Trump in the office.

At that point, I must say that us, citizens of the rest of the world, were starting to think that things had escalated waaaaay much more than they ever should have.

So when an opportunity was given to you to right all the wrongs, we thought you’d jump on it. You know, bring the balance back in the Force. Be the Luke of the Skywalker family.

But no. You had to screw it up even more - if that’s still possible.

So here you are, putting Johnson back at number 10. When we all know Hugh Grant is the best Prime Minister you ever had.

Now this being said, I want to finish 2019 keeping in mind that Anakin was believed to bring the balance back in the Force, when really he messed it up and we had to wait for Luke. So I’m hoping you’re still in Anakin mode and Luke will show up fairly soon. After all, the Force should be with us again this week ...

May the Force be with you,

You’ll need it. Actually, we all will.

Faf

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To : My neighbors Object : Erratum last letter

Dear Neighbors, 

Please don’t believe a word I said in my last letter. After the house party you threw yesterday evening, which lasted until the crack of dawn this morning, I take back everything I’ve said. 

Furthermore, I would like to let you know that your musical taste leaves room for improvement. Oh believe me, I had all the time to make up my mind about it since you turned it up until the speakers finally blew. At 4 in the morning.

With all my love, 

Faf

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To : Anakin Skywalker Object : And there you are, on the dark side (once again) !

Dear Anakin, 

I watched Star Wars III : Revenge of the Sith yesterday. God knows how many times I’ve watched this movie. 

And you joined the dark side of the Force. Again.

You never learn now, do you ?

With all my love, 

Faf

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To : The Universe Object : Nope.

Dear Universe, 

I have received your message. I have read your signs. By the way, I must tell you that subtlety doesn’t seem to be your thing ... I assume that you have been teaming up with my Fat-Noodle-Cupid-Boy (Love ya, sweety !) for this job. That’s a nice try, putting this boy on my path. Again. And again. And again. And again. 

My answer is still no, though. 

May I suggest you to try and offer me something else ?

With all my love, 

Faf

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To : Redhead haters Object : What the fuck is wrong with you people ?!

To you who discriminate people upon the color of their hair, the redhead haters, the capillary racists, 

Can you tell me why exactly you hate gingers ?

Before you say anything, friendly reminder that without gingers, we would have lost the Hogwarts Battle (80% of the Order of the Phenix was composed of Weasley back then) and would therefore currently be living under Lord Voldemort’s totalitarian regime, Elsa would still be locked up in her frozen castle, Rory would be desperately single and Riversong would never have been born at all, neither would have the Boy Who Lived, and I could keep going like this forever but I think I’ve made my point.

No, don’t say anything actually. You would just embarrass yourself. 

Faf

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To : My Soulmate Object : Give me a sign !

Dear Soulmate, 

I have no idea who you are nor where you might be.

Which is why I am writing you this letter, like a message sent out to the sea. I would highly appreciate if you could let me know who and where you are, no matter how you proceed. I just need to tell you that if you happen to decide to express yourself through interpretative dance, I might misread the signs ...

Because, while you are out there doing whatever it is that you’re doing, I have to deal with a big lump running around wearing nothing but a diaper, shooting arrows in the sky like an activist would give away tracts in the street. The thing is, this is my loving life we are talking about.

With all my love

Faf

PS : Don’t forget the cookies.

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To : Mother Nature Object : You shouldn’t have.

Dear Mother Nature, 

I cannot find words to thank you for having given all those hairs to women. For this and for the “New Month, New Uterine Muqueuse” week. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy ripping those hairs out of my skin. And I will not tell you any more about those adsorbing sticks we shovel up our vaginas.

You shouldn’t have. Really.

With all my love, 

Faf

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To : My Cupid Object : Mea Culpa

Dear Cupid, 

I feel like I haven’t been fair nor nice to you lately. I want to apologize for all the things I told you.

We’re starting a new year and I think this is a great opportunity for us to take a fresh start (#NewYearNewMeBlablabla)

With all my love, 

Faf

PS : From what I understood, it seems that the diapers I have got you for Christmas are too small for you ... I will try to find bigger ones but maybe you should think about reducing your consumption of cookies ...

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To : My neighbor’s cat Object : Nighty night

Dear Kitty cat, 

You are a very nice cat. It was a real pleasure for me to meet you. I just wish you had found another way to reach me than to just stand on top of my roof and meow all night long.

With all my love, 

Faf

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To : People who pretend they care about homeless just to justify xenophobic points Object : Charities

To you, who seem to care so much about homeless people that you pretend that we can’t welcome any refugee because we have enough on our plate already, 

When exactly was the last time that you did anything to help homeless people ? Like offer them a hot meal for instance ?

Faf

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To : No-blinker drivers Object : Reading suggestions

To you the neglecting car drivers, who are so lazy that you don’t even bother to shake you digital extensions hard enough to reach your blinker command. There is a book I know you should read. It gathers a whole bunch of dos and donts as a driver. For, I think it is time for you to find out, you guys are not alone on the road. Nope. I know, crazy, right ?

But it turns out that these roads have also been built for people. And by people, I mean people other than Your Blinker-free Majesty. 

Which is why we actually bother to let others know where we’re heading.

And let me tell you one last thing. Just because you never bother to use your blinker and never crashed so far, doesn’t mean that you’re a good driver. But it sure means that you had the chance to meet drivers nice enough to deal with your blinker-less kind of driving. That and and also that you’re an asshole. 

With all my ... Nah, forget it !

Faf

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To : My neighbors Objects : Thank you !

Dear Neighbors, 

I am writing you this letter to thank you for all the tolerance that you show towards me. Indeed, I have already had the opportunity to check for myself that isolation is not exactly the main quality of our houses. And still, you have been through all these under-my-shower rehearsals. Without complaining. Ever. And I know for sure that you are not deaf either ! To top it off, I do like to sing songs such as Listen by Beyoncé ... And I do sing very loudly. Proof is, my brother always complains that he can’t hear the TV anymore when I’m singing. While there is a floor between us ...

No, really. You are so precious ! By the way, if you could pass on your secret to my family ... They don’t seem to be quite as understanding as you are ...

With all my love, 

Faf

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To : Amy Object : Your cousin is hotter than Ed Sheeran.

Amy, 

You haven’t seen me much and this letter will probably comes from nowhere from where you’re standing. But I heard that you repeated over and over to your cousin that Ed Sheeran was hotter than her brother. I know you didn’t believe her when she told you you were wrong. As a Sheerios and as a girl, I can’t let this happen. I really do like Ed’s music. I buy his albums, and go to his gigs. But honestly Amy, his appearance doesn’t have anything to do with it. I swear. Now, I know that music tends to make guys look much hotter than what they actually are. But this. This is going way too far. Let me get this straight : the sun shines, the water wets, the fire burns, your cousin is hotter than Ed Sheeran. And I think it is very important for you to get this. Because I am afraid that you will fall for the first idiot that will come along carrying a guitar, followed by three fangirls that will scream his name and throw their pants on stage. And that kind of guys has never made any girl happy, and never will. Now, please take a look closer at your cousin. If you still disagree with us, tell your mother that you need an appointment with an ophthalmologist.

With all my love, 

Faf

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To : My Cupid Object : Epic fail. Again.

This one was gay. Now, maybe you should have seen it coming when he started to stare intensely at Luke, our pianist. 

Please, tell me you have a drinking problem. This would be something we can fix.

Faf

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To : All the hot guys under 40 who are not Ryan Gosling Object : “First come, first served !”

Dear hot guys, 

I will make it quick. You need me, and I can help you. I know you might feel like your life is perfect just as it is. But you’re wrong. You are missing a feminine presence in your life. Don’t tell me you already have everything you need. Because you know nothing (Jon Snow). You can’t possibly know. You have not met yet THE Super Wonder Perfect Girl that will change your life forever. She is beautiful, funny, smart, nice, cooks like no one, smells good and is clean. And on top of that, she is a very good friend of mine. So you will also enjoy to spend some incredible time with me every now and then. I believe it to be a one-of-a-kind marketing claim. Her brother and sister will soon be very famous  as a musician and a drawer. I think this is a bonus for you, both on a professional and personal plan. I won’t tell you any more in order not to spoil you. 

We are therefore waiting for you in front of the City Hall at Candy Mountain. First come, first served !

I will be celebrating your union, in front of all of your friends and family (well mostly hers ...). Don’t worry about anything, I have already arranged everything.

This message will  self-destruct in 5-4-3 ... Nah, just kidding ! I would have liked it to, thought it was adding a bit more drama you know ... But we’re kinda broke here so .. Anyway, Candy Moutain ! City Hall !

Don’t be late !

Faf

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To : My Cupid Object : WTF ?!

What the hell was wrong this time ? He was the perfect match ! Ellie’s been telling me about him for MONTHS ! He is nice and smart, very cultured and most of all, he is way too polite to refuse to marry me. And YES, it MATTERS ! Do you really think that, in our current state, we can still afford to be picky ?! But no, once again, you had to screw it up. You had to aim RIGHT BESIDE. I would have had a super cool last name, and I would have got to spend Christmas with one of my best friends. 

This is a warning. This is the last time. You hear me ? The LAST TIME ! I am done putting up with your bullshit. Because, you know what that means ? That means that we are one step closer to the crazy cat lady starter pack. Now, I know that arranged weddings are not exactly Cupids‘ wildest dream, but believe me, this is NOTHING compared to what it is going to be like when I work 18 hours a day and come home only to feed my cats and crumble onto my bed with my clothes still on and covered in God knows how many different kinds of  body fluids. Think about it. For our own good.

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To : Polar bears Object : Bad news

Dear Polar Bears, 

I have bad news. You are going to die. And there is nothing we can do about it. Of course, we could reduce our consumption of water and electricity. We could avoid letting the water run whilst we are soaping up or we could avoid flushing the toilet when it’s yellow ! We could reduce our CO2 production by walking instead of driving for instance. We could turn off the light when we leave a room and avoid letting the AC on for too long.

But we cruelly need to be able to go skiing when we travel to Dubai, the Eiffel Tower is so much prettier when all lit up and building a town in the very middle of a desert seemed like a brilliant idea.

We had to make a choice. We had to chose a camp. And we did pick the multi-billionaire guys. Don’t ask me why. 

So anyway. You are going to die. 

Sorry not sorry.

Faf