Reflection of pain and love, transition into growth.
One hell of a way to experience what is sadly my first encounter with love and a proper relationship. It’s a tough lesson to learn, I really tried so fucking hard to fix the problem but the reality was that she just wanted to escape, it was a lost cause. Did she really care, did she really feel sorry for the pain she caused me, did she really even love me?
Maybe she did, maybe not. Maybe she just loved what I was able to provide her more than loving me the person she got to know and cared for her life no one had ever done for her.
What I felt at the time I was with her made it seem real enough, she said all the right things to get the reaction she wanted from me. I was naive, blinded by the first person to ever offer me this kind of love that I never experienced, the kind of love that I longed for and to have it ripped away without a single word, after the first fight and left completely in the dark figuring out how to fix a problem that she most likely never wanted to fix. No matter how it would’ve went down, it would’ve hurt but this heart ache feels much worse now knowing that she purposely ignored me, hung out with other guys and went on to tinder to find some cheap fling or fuck without properly ending things.
There was just so much investment, looking back, all the signs were there that eventually this would happen, my naivety blinded me to the harsh reality that this girl manipulated me into giving her all I offered; kindness, emotional support, love, gifts, sex, fun and a form of excitement that went missing in her life and once she finally reclaimed it she wanted more of that I could no longer offer due to particular circumstances.
The pain of initially being a second choice and a guy she cheats with but never had the courage to leave until given a final ultimatum, “promises” of a bright future of living together and marriage, losing my source of living because work related sexual assault to the once “love of my life” that occurred turned me into a man hell bent on revenge with murderous intent, unconditional love given regardless of how poorly I was treated, the countless amounts of money spent on dinners, gifts and spoils just to see a 5 second smile, 1 minute gratitude and hear those words “Thanks babe” or “ I love you”, most likely forgetting other things but doing so much for this girl and not receiving the kind of closure I hoped for?
The pain i feel because of that is definitely worse.
I should be absolutely livid at what she’s done, her true colours shown, but I’m not extremely angry. Definitely upset but even though to some they would never forgive and I know i once said I would never forgive this kind of action but it really depends on the circumstances. Despite what she’s done to me, her vulnerability in the time where she was loyal to me revealed a troubled and dark past that I helped (to an extent) get her through. It does not excuse what she has done to me and others but I can’t say that she must never be forgiven. Forgive but never forget. There will always be a part of me that will care and (to some degree) have open arms if she required help. History, the past that was shared is important and I can’t abandon it at all, though one thing is certain, she has to live with the consequence of her actions, the betrayal would never allow the dynamic to return to what it once was, to support as an old friend rather than an old love, the friend who said that I’d be there in the tough times and I as a man of my word stick to it.
Now I’m just lost, trying everyday to find a support system to help me through a low point, having relied upon one person for how the day flows and losing her makes everyday feel empty. The tears shed won’t subside and for the foreseeable future I don’t think that will change, I know it will eventually. I can recover from this, it’ll be a long fucking journey but I’m sure once I’m at my destination it is going to feel amazing.
