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@failingtocope
Please refrain from reporting this blog. It is an outlet for personal issues that helps me cope. I DO NOT promote unhealthy or harmful behaviors. If you are curious about EDs please reach out for help immediately and exit off this blog.
stay safe and my DMs are always openš¤
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
My teenage years have been weighing so heavily on me lately. It used to not bother me so much that I didnāt have any support for everything I struggled with. That my mom just wrote it all off and that my dad was never around. That I didnāt even really have friends I could confide in. I dealt with everything alone and looking back I just feel sad for that girl.
I read about and hear about kids who have parents that are so involved. That the minute they hear their kid is sick or struggling or attempted theyāre right there by their side but I didnāt have that. I had a mom who didnāt believe I needed inpatient even after seeing the scars, the weight loss, the seclusion, and hearing about my attempt. She never went to appointments with me or followed up on my meds. She never checked in or asked any questions. For a while I was kind of grateful because that meant I could relapse any time I wanted and not have someone breathing down my neck. Now I realize just how much that affected me and halted my growth. I would give anything to be able to go back to those years and have some sense of support. Someone who cared. Maybe then I wouldnāt still be in this viscous cycle
Kinda hit me today that when it comes to my mom Iām usually always the one asking her questions like how was your day, how is your job, any fun plans, etc.. and always have to keep the conversation going, but I donāt really get the same in return. It brought me back to my teenage years where I was never heard or seen and felt like more of a bother when it came down to caring for me. She is not a bad mom by any means and is truly the sweetest woman but damn that still kinda stings.
āI didnāt have much to say to anybody but kept to myself and my books. With my eyes closed, I would touch a familiar book and draw itās fragrance deep inside me. This was enough to make me happy.ā
ā Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood
I feel so fully checked out of my relationship and even though sheās finally trying I just feel like itās too late and that is such an awful feeling. I know itās not my fault but the guilt of not being able to forgive and forget is eating me alive. I have absolutely no one to talk to about either so both sides of my brain are trying to eat each other alive 24/7 and I canāt make it stop. I canāt get advice or figure out what to do. Iām stuck in this house constantly with what feels like no way out and no life of my own.
at this point, sinking back into my depression is like a warm hug. finding comfort in this is sadness is so natural. i know i was meant to feel this.
When will the day finally come that I have an actual person to talk to rather than running to this damn website
my only craving in life is to be loved the way i love.
i feel so left out. like everyone around me knows how to be a human and i donāt.
Being passively suicidal is funny as fuck like yeah i don't plan on doing anything and knowing me i never will but the idea of a gun to my head sounds really fucking good right now.
One thing I canāt relate about to most ppl is that they hated themselves when they were at their lw
I actually felt like fucking god when I realized I was below my GW. I worshipped myself. I was obsessed with myself. my confidence was sky high. I was so self-conceited & no one around me was better than me in my head. I loved myself- that is the only version of myself I could ever love.
There is nothing more isolating than mental illness. Having not one single person that understands is so draining and itās even worse when youāre told āyouāre doing better thoughā. No Jan Iām better at masking it because any time I make an attempt at talking Iām dismissed and invalidated
Last fall my Fiance introduced me to one of her coworkers bc she thought weād be good friends since we were both into the same things. I had to stop being friends with her bc my Fiance started getting annoyed and jealous every time they talked about me. Tell me how she calls me today and tells me about a new coworker of hers and goes āyou guys would be best friendsā like Iām sorry ???? Did we not already do that and I had to cut someone off that I really fucking liked ???
Getting high and reading Dramione fanfiction is my only form of coping rn
Life is back to being unbearable so here I am :)))
