Fajar Dawn'Virgo @fajardawnvirgo - Tumblr Blog

I haven't sleep since last night and I feel like a zombie.

I smiled at them but they no wondering I'd die soon.

Malam ini aku sakit, badanku terasa demam, kepala pusing, dadaku terasa nyeri sekali. Tapi selama ini aku selalu mengobati diriku sendiri, tak pernah terlintas dipikiranku untuk meminta bantuan orang lain karena sejatinya aku hanya hidup sendiri di dunia ini.

Pernah aku berangkat sendiri ke IGD karena sakit tipes, berangkat sendiri ke klinik saat kondisi sudah BAB darah. Dan aku tidak lupa masuk IGD saat berusaha mengakhiri hidupku beberapa tahun yang lalu, dan ya aku melakukannya secara mandiri.

Tidak pernah aku bergantung hidupku kepada orang lain di saat-saat aku kesakitan sampai aku berpikir rasa sakit fisik itu bukanlah apa-apa dibandingkan sakit hati yang aku derita.

I don't have a choice to be born or not

But I have a choice to set my end

I'm running out of money

I'm running out of time

I'm running out of energy

Before I've nothing in my hand

I need to complete my autobiography and leave this world peacefully

I don't drink coffee but I bought many coffee beans for my friends.

Why don't I respond to any messages?

I have received so many messages from my friends, family, and even strangers asking for my updates and conditions. Also, many people have offered to help, but why don't I respond to their messages?

I don't get used to telling my story to other people; I always keep my story to myself. When I was a child and Junior High school, I always got bullied because I was weak. My first suicide attempt was when I was in junior high school.

Here are some reasons why I don't respond to any messages:

I feel ashamed after what I have done to my self

I don't know who I can trust

I don't get used to sharing my personal story

It doesn't change any reality

I don't want anyone to interfere with my decision

They may judge or blame me

Everyone asked me to stay longer and I granted their wish but I am still counting my days because there is no going back. With this limited time I will share my untold and true story. Also I am preparing some amigurumi gifts that I have created for everyone who sent me love and kindness.

This book also inspired me and gave me an idea of what I should do before I'm going to die.

Lia you removed me from #team-content channel, a channel that I have created, I feel betrayed and that give me an idea to destroy the system that I have built.

You don't deserve my work, Sam; you don't show any empathy to your workers. I know how stingy you are; even for basic pantry items, you don't want to provide for us but are asking us to work from the office.

I also remember when you wanted to cut Adi's salary when he wanted to return to work from home because he was losing a family member.

I was request for a laptop because mine was not in good condition, but you gave me an old laptop that you just repaired it. I never use that laptop because it is too slow; I can't even open Chrome properly.

Last one, you didn't pay my last paycheck. I officially take unpaid leave but then you mentioned it will be paid leave. You know the reason why I take leave, I attach my medical record and I was diagnosed with "Bipolar Affective Disorder", at this point I already plan to end my life but again you don't show any empathy.

You didn't pay my last paycheck, so I'll take what I have built and die with it.

The saddest thing is I got isolated from my friends :(

7 October - My life updates

I want to give you updates on my situation right now. I feel like my brain and my heart are not on the same page; my brain cannot resist the pain that I have. It is planning something to end this pain quickly; meanwhile, my heart listens to all your kind words and wants to hold this pain longer.

I have read every message you sent in my DM and DM requests, even the longest one. I want to say thank you so much for your care, even though we are strangers and never met before. I wish I could meet you and your beloved pets. I love all kinds of animals: cats, dogs, hamsters, reptiles, and any animals in this world.

Thank you for sharing your stories about your life, your pets, and the kind of situation that might be similar to mine. In case my brain wins and take control of all my decisions, I just wish you are all doing okay and can continue to spread kindness in this mysterious world.

7 Oktober - What a morning

Pagi itu perutku sakit sekali rasanya lapar dan nyeri seperti sakit maag, aku mencoba mencari minimarket terdekat dan dalam perjalanan menuju kesana kulihat ada karung catfood bekas aku teringat makanan-makanan kucing yang aku donasikan ke shelter.

Pada saat itu aku memutuskan untuk melakukan street feeding di sekitar sini, aku beli makanan basah whiskas dan juga piring kertas agar mereka mudah untuk memakannya.

Ku pergi ke suatu taman yang indah dan sejuk, aku duduk sebentar sambil menyantap sarapan snack yang aku beli di minimarket itu. Ku makan sedikit demi sedikit tetapi perut ini masih terasa nyeri, apakah karena aku telat makan namun bisa juga karena aku sedang stress.

Kulihat ada kucing kecil lucu sedang berjalan di sekitar perkumpulan ibu-ibu yang sedang sarapan sambil membagikan moment indah mereka di handphone yang dipasangkan ke tripod.

Kucing itu mencoba untuk mencuri makanan yang ada di tas ibu-ibu itu, kucegah dia dan kupanggil kemari, aku ambil whiskas dan juga piring kertas yang ada di tasku. Dia makan begitu lahap sekali terkadang sejenak dia terdiam melihat ke arahku seakan ingin mengucapkan terima kasih atas makanan yang kuberikan.

Mungkin tuhan membawaku kemari untuk menyelamatkannya dari kelaparan dan mencegahnya mencuri makanan agar dia tidak mendapatkan siksaan dari manusia.

6 October - God still following me

Ketika aku dalam perjalanan yang entah kemana aku berharap Tuhan tidak mengikuti tapi ia enggan meninggalkanku, aku dipertemukan oleh seseorang dari Pakistan yang tidak sengaja kami bertemu di dalam kereta mereka duduk dibangku seberangku.

Entah bagaimana dia menceritakan kebaikan Tuhan seakan-akan dia tahu tentang rencana kematianku.

1 October - Donation for my friends

Aku udah kehabisan waktu aku harus segera bersih-bersih barang di kamarku. Aku donasikan sebagian besar barang yang ada di kamarku dan mostly masih baru karena aku memang sengaja beli, seperti mainan totoro yang aku beli sewaktu aku nonton orchestra studio ghibli di Jakarta, aku waktu itu beli 2set kotak buat temen-temenku yang bahkan aku gak tau isinya seperti apa karena gak ada yang aku buka satupun.

Bahkan laptop aku aku sumbangkan, karena aku ingin barang-barangku yang masih sisa di kamar ku bisa berguna buat temen-temen. Oh iya ini aku kirim ke temen-temen kantorku yang lama, yang sebelumnya juga aku pernah mampir kesana aku belikan mereka 3 lusin donat jco.

30 September - Donation for animal shelter

Jadi aku beli catfood royal canin tuh udah seminggu lalu tapi masih nunggu momen untuk kirimnya dan ini lumayan berat dan banyak juga bahkan aku harus kirim pake GoBox waktu itu.

Aku juga ada kirim sekantong makanan basah Shiba untuk kucing, awalnya aku mau pake itu buat street feeding di jogja, tapi ternyata kucing jalanan di Jogja tuh gak banyak. Aku cuman habiskan 4 kaleng makanan basah itu, aku bagikan sekitar kosanku 3 kucing dan 1 anjing, aku jalan menuju tempat gym yang biasa aku datangin.

Sebelumnya aku udah ke wisdom park UGM tempat biasa aku crochet, tapi ternyata aku gak bisa menemukan satu ekor kucingpun di sana, akhirnya dengan perasaan kecewa aku pulang dan kubagikan ke kucing sekitar kosan yang aku ceritakan tadi.

I have trouble with my Tumblr, but they just fixed it, so I'll continue my stories. Keep in mind this content may not be suitable for certain people. If you need help please call 112.

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Fajar Dawn'Virgo