Fake Hipster Nook Detector

Showing you your way around under-quality and over-priced cafés & restaurants around the globe

[fakehipsternooks]

Yeni Lokanta, İstanbul

http://lokantayeni.com/

Long story short: big fish in a small pond serving not very discerning and not very gourmet anyway consumers.

Hailed as the best re-interpretation of Turkish cuisine, it really fell short of my expectations.  A few dishes were really nice, but the taste experience is not worth the anticipation. 

First of all: impossible to get a booking, 4 weeks notice at least required.

Secondly: the staff are bordering "jackass" with their know it all attitude.

Third: I would at most call this experimental, not majorly new.  The overall taste of the dishes was good (and you are not supposed to say just "good" if you are meant to have a gastronomical experience), the only highlight worth mentioning being artichoke with strawberry. The soujouk was also satisfactory, satisfactory meaning comparable to what you would eat in a decent Lebanese on Edgware Road. The sourdough bread has totally nothing to do with the rest of how the menu has been designed and to be honest it sticks out like a sore thumb.

Overall: no big deal.

[fakehipsternooks]

Karabatak, Karaköy

The epitome of institutionalizing what was an old beautiful building into a cafe, this place could actually be nice if the internet actually worked (it does not work half the time).  The coffee is good (julius meinl, but well made, not burnt or soured like in some other places), the prices again are high for anything apart from americano. So you are paying for the up-and-coming-ness of the district. As long as you are OK with that, drink away.

It is not bad as a work station (if, again, you could do with the wireless unavailability) problem.  Has some of the most uncomfortable chairs/seats ever.  The tiles on the floor are fake turn of the century (the century before), and the whole place is a parody of Constantinople 1910.   Sitting outside, you can face the Turkish Orthodox church (whatever that means), and it looks pleasant because the entire wall is painted a nice shade of auburn (so yes everyone is instagramming). Barf.

Food: I have only tried the salads, as of course they do not have anything gluten-free friendly, and the salads are the bare mininum you can expect in a salad (not even Pret-a-Manger standards).

Clientele: freelancers, a few uni students, academics in hordes.

http://www.karabatak.com/

[fakehipsternooks]

Ministry of Coffee, Istanbul

Located in the next victim of pseudo-hipster cafe opener crowd's Nişantaşı, this Aussie coffee chain is average-ly serviced and ridiculously over-priced. 

Purporting to be the next best thing to Istanbul GenX and GenYers (sort of) new-found love for coffee, this place offers ok coffee, hosts several pseudo-hipsters posing as food or fashion bloggers, and is just another addition to average coffee served by average happy staff at weird prices. 

The food menu is again so early 2000s London, and is not gluten-free friendly. 

Clientele make-up: advertisers on lunch, fashion bloggers, art industry people, an academic or two, mainly just Gen Y.