⋆˙⟡ 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙝𝙚𝙧 - 𝙟𝙚𝙛𝙛 𝙗𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙡𝙚𝙮
summary - you broke up with chris because you needed to focus on yourself, your career and other goals. chris has found ways to cope, but nothing has really helped him forget you. during a late night walk, he ends up at your apartment.
warnings - not proofread , use of y/n , unresolved angst , slightly mean reader , cursing , mentions of depression.
just a walk to clear his head. that's what he had told matt, at least. he told him he'd only be gone for about thirty minutes, and he'd come back through the front door like he had never even left.
though, as he hummed along to the music playing through his headphones, he found himself at the crosswalk right in front of your apartment complex.
he sighed as he looked at the familiar sight in front of him. he knew he had planned it. this, showing up there. he reached into his pocket to grab his phone, turning off his location.
what the hell was he doing?
he questioned himself again, staring at the window that he had looked out of so many times.
he could've sworn he saw your silhouette in the curtained window. he stared harder as he continued walking mindlessly. he cursed himself for caring so much.
"she already hates me, what am i supposed to do?.. convince her im still a good guy?" he mumbled under his breath.
he knew the breakup wasn't his fault. in fact, it was yours. or at least, that's what he told himself to keep himself from saying he was a bad person 24/7.
he then found himself walking up the stairwell to get to your apartment. though, it was quiet. depressing.
quieter than any other time he had walked in those same steps.
any other time, he had been with you. happy, joking, giggling—trying to keep the volume down because of your neighbors.
he knew you'd yell at him, tell him to go fuck himself as soon as you opened the door.
this wasn't how to forget you, he thought. this would just make things worse.
he hesitantly brought his hand up to reach the wooden door that was now in front of him. he cursed under his breath as he anxiously waited for you to answer.
after he waited a few minutes, he knocked again. then again. and one last time.
"Jesus Christ, patience people.." he heard you say from behind the door before you cracked it open.
he felt a pang of guilt spark in his chest as he watched your eyes widen.
"what the hell are you doing here?.." you asked quietly, your voice just a mere whisper.
"look, y/n, i—i'm sorry." he mumbled, all the words he had planned to say slipping from his mind.
"why?" you asked bluntly.
he noticed the look of exhaustion in your eyes. he knew it wasn't his fault—or at least, he didn't think it was his fault—but he still felt responsible.
and your question? well, he didn't know the answer.
why did he feel sorry? he wasn't the one who broke up with you. that was all you.
"i don't know." he finally brought himself to say. "i don't know, okay?" he sighed. "i just—i can't stop thinking about you. you look so much happier without me, and i—i just wanna know what i did wrong." he said quickly, trying to catch his breath and stop himself before he said anything he wasn't supposed to say.
"what you did wrong?" you scoffed. "what do you think you did wrong, chris?"
"fuck, y/n!" he exclaimed, "i don't know!" he said, tears welling up in his eyes. "i need you to tell me."
"yeah?" you forced a scoff. "well, what if i don't know either? what if i just wasn't happy with you?" the words burned in your mouth, but you tried to ignore the sting.
chris froze. his eyes widened, his mind going blank.
"w-what?" he forced himself to say.
"it's my fault." you muttered, "and i'm not ready to talk yet." you paused for a beat, "go home, chris." you said before shutting the door in his face.
he stood frozen in front of the closed door for what felt like hours. so that was it? no closure (unless you count the door..), no answers to anything, and certainly not anything good out of that interaction.
his heart felt like it had been ripped out of his chest, torn into pieces, stomped on and thrown out a window. all of that after the fact you two had already broken up.
he didn't know what to do.
yet his body made him start walking, subconsciously not wanting to annoy you anymore than you already were. he didn't want to leave. he didn't want to let you go—because he couldn't.
he bit down harshly on his lip as he headed back to his house. he couldn't be bitter. he couldn't be mad. especially not at you. it wasn't your fault you weren't happy with him.
chris could've sworn it took him an eternity to get home. stuck at every crosswalk for hours, fighting back tears as he replayed the interaction in his head thousands of times.
when he finally got home, matt greeted him with a small grunt from the couch. "that took much longer than just a 'walk around the neighborhood'," he muttered with a small scoff.
"shut up.." chris muttered. "got..distracted." he said, trying to make a plausible excuse.
"right. that's why you look like you're on the verge of tears." matt remarked, "where'd you actually go, dude?" he asked, his brows furrowing just a bit.
"y/n's house." he admitted under his breath as he headed up the stairs.
"dude, what the fuck?!" matt exclaimed. "i thought you were done with her!"
"not ready to talk about it," he muttered, slamming his bedroom door.
a/n: awesome sauce may or may not be my last fic because i hate my writing </3
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