dear diary...

bruhhhhhh

[fakeporcelain]

pssh

[fakeporcelain]

[fakeporcelain]

maybe one day ill let someone love my imperfections.

[stalgivc]

You like what you see because I’m a reflection of you

[fakeporcelain]

so who am i really?

now that the imaginary magnifying glass watching me is gone. the audience left a long time ago and im completely alone, i find myself here again. who am i?

everytime i exist in social settings i never feel like myself, im either too loud or too quiet. cant say the things i want to say or the words dont come out right. am i too anxious? too self aware? how come everyone exists normally, they talk normally, walk normally and i cant?

existing to me is uncomfortable, i never know how to act.

[fakeporcelain]

it feels like something in me left a long time ago

i think the spark of life is gone and everything feels meaningless. i watched a reel that said, the audience youre trying to perform for left a long time ago and theyre right, everyone moved on with their lives and im still stuck here. i feel sick because now ive come to the realization that performing made me feel alive. i grew up thinking love had to be earned and chased after, so performing for people made me feel wanted. whether or not they gave me the love i so desperately searched for didnt matter in the end, the chase gave me a purpose.

so now im here, ive dreamt of looking pretty and posting pictures of myself to show everyone im still here, still pretty. i lack soul, i lack a voice. im too scared to let it out because im scared of the judgement. i really did make myself into a doll, empty and hollow on the inside but beautiful on the outside. im too scared to let anyone in and thats the start of my suffering.

oppurtunities for a connection passed me a million times and im left here, waiting.

[fakeporcelain]

god give me a break from this mind

[fakeporcelain]

[fakeporcelain]

i feel the most myself when im sad.

[fakeporcelain]

in me is nothing, if you open me up you'll see nothing.

[fakeporcelain]

i want to be disgusting.

[fakeporcelain]

06/06

i sometimes wonder if i can ever go back to dating, to open up or to die? id rather die maybe. ive gotten too used to the walls ive built around me, its comfortable and safe but is it worth the loneliness?

[fakeporcelain]

06/06

feeling emotionally snuffed. i sometimes feel hollow and wonder if anyone can tell. i reminisce about my time at the beach, the smell of the sea and the cigarette burning between my lips, those were one of the days where i felt whole. i felt alive.

[fakeporcelain]

AHHHH

[fakeporcelain]

rawrrrrrrr :3

[fakeporcelain]

finished drawing of my oc!!

Ig: @ deadd0lls

[fakeporcelain]

.3.