Suicidal Obsessions, Thoughts and Views
Ā My View of Suicide isā¦
Ā An old friend of mine hung himself recently and lies in a coma in an overcrowded hospital. He is receiving brain drainage and has to use a respirator to stay alive. There are other machines I donāt quite understand which keep him alive.
Ā Seeing him in the hospital nailed the coffin in the suicide by hanging idea. I had been thinking about it a lot, suicide by hanging, for the last few weeks. (Thinking, not planning) Even before Chester Bennington (the lead singer of Linken Park) hung himself. Chester did it in the same way as my friend. Anyways, my original interest came from an old story of a God who hung himself whom I relate to quite a bit. But this God did not commit suicide, he killed a part of himself by sacrifice to gain something. I hope that ends up being the result of my friends hanging, I hope he will get gain something and get help as a result. Brain damage and death arenāt off the table, unfortunately, as I said he is in a coma.
Ā Suicide is Misunderstood
Ā Suicide as a whole is a very misunderstood topic. Some people cannot understand why or how someone could take their own life. I can understand it. I want to kill myself too.
Some people cannot understand why or how someone could take their own life. I can understand it. I want to kill myself too.
I can understand it. I want to kill myself too.
I want to kill myself too.
Ā The Fear of Suicide and Hell
Ā Some think youāll go to hell if you commit suicide. Iāve had religious people express that they would kill themselves were there no hell to fear. They were so depressed, but eternal hellfire is scarier than 40-60 more years of it, right? That the fire of hell inspired them not to, so fear kept them from doing it. The aftermath of suicide on people who believe this who lose someone to suicide must be brutal.
Ā Suicide is usually summed up as selfish. This because of the agony that people who are the victimās survivor feel. People cannot understand how someone could leave others in so much pain.
Ā How can someone kill themselves and leave people behind? How can someone kill themselves and when they have friends? How can someone kill themselves and when they have parents theyāre leaving behind? How can someone kill themselves and when they have good lives?
Ā To understand these questions you have to understand their internal struggles. Chances are you donāt, and chances are you canāt. When it comes down to it, itās simply pain versus the ability to deal with that pain. When youāre trapped in a burning building on the 60th floor, do you jump or try to survive and end up burning to death? Iād bet most would jump. In a suicidal person mind that is what is going on. When the fire gets too hot, you jump. Likewise with life, when the pain is too great, someone who is suicidal will usually act. Suicide isnāt simple. Suicide isnāt pure selfishness.
Ā Suicide Scale, Pain vs Coping Skills
Ā Now there is an understanding that suicide is not simple and selfish. That being suicidal is complex, being suicidal is agonizing. Suicide is can I see as something that occurs when someone can no longer handle the weight of their pain. Pain can come from anything. Different causes of pain inflict different amounts of pain from person to person.
Ā Being alive is a chore to someone who wants to die. Most who continue to live despite being suicidal do it to not hurt others. That, or like me, they want to live and not just survive. For someone who is depressed and thinking of or considering suicide, the scale can be a fragile thing. Weight needs to be applied to personal coping skills. People need resources to survive and need resources to cope with their pain. The weight scale metaphor came from the below site, and the quoted text is very true.Ā
āYou can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.ā ā http://bit.ly/2wkgzeC
Suicide: My Personal View
I support assisted suicide for terminally ill patients, but I do not support it for those who can get better. If you are suicidal, a survivor looking to live, depressed or have thought about suicide you are not alone. Know that while you may think you are alone, you arenāt in feeling what you feel. We are all alone in our heads, but we are all connected. If anything, the void we feel connects us. Sounds weird and Iām still trying to figure it out myself. Hereās a poem I wrote regarding it if poetry is your thing:Ā http://bit.ly/2ugjDLq
I mentioned a few times I myself feel suicidal. I am suicide and self-harm obsessed, using these words straight from the articleĀ Suicide Obsessions: Fear of Killing/Harming YourselfĀ written byĀ Steven J. Seay, Ph.D on steveseay.com. (Itās a good article, I recommend it to understand what I mean.) Trauma and repetitive thought since I was a kid programmed my mind want to self-destruct. More so when I am going through more stress than usual. When I said I wanted to kill myself I meant it, and I fear it. Iāve blacked out in a self-destructive rage before years ago a ended up in the hospital. Ā I didnāt try to kill myself, but I do have a huge scar on my arm from a knife with 2 big scars and a smaller one that looks like I went at my arm 3 times before coming out of it. I fear if that ever happens again, Iāll harm and potentially end myself. Itās like 2 people in my head, one wanting life and one death. This is actually normal, dualistic viewpoints are shared by everyone. Mine are just extreme.
I refuse to accept suicide, yet I fear it. Sometimes I want it so bad I add onto plans Iāve pretty much sealed. I, however, do not allow myself in that state of mind to take over. In my current state of mind I want no such thing as death, nor would I consider myself suicidal. Talk to me in 2 days and that can change. When I see my friend in the hospital clinging to life, I fight between planning, considering and assessing damage and getting the thoughts out of my head. I am a soldier, and I am at war in life. If the fire comes, I wonāt jump, Iāll burn first. Thatās what I tell myself, and half believe. Itās a process.
Are you suicidal? Can you relate to me in saying I want to die, but refuse? Are you a soldier in life?
If so, you are a soldier of life.
Simply staying alive seems like a pointless burden, but if you open your eyes to it the world is beautiful, chaos and all. This beautiful chaos is worth fighting to stay alive for. I believe in Existentialism, specifically, that life has no inherent meaning. That there is no reason not to kill yourself. Except, unlike a nihilistic perspective where nothing has any meaning period, Existentialism is about finding purpose. If your life has no meaning, find meaning. We have no inherent reason not to kill ourselves, so we need to find reasons. Weigh down the scale of coping mechanisms and reasons to live. Every bit helps, every small purpose adds up.Ā
If you need to cry for help, vent, talk etc you may reach out to me. Below is my Facebook page which you can easily contact me at, you can see the box below to easily message the page.
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