Fallen Royalty

Name's Gray. Food. Girls. Boys. Art. Music. Yupp.

[savemefromthenothingi-vebecome]

[fallenfromthethrone]

why.

Why? I feel like I've asked myself that question a million times in the past two hours. And the more I sit here and think, the more I ask myself. Why. Why. Why. WHY.

I've become the person I used to hate. And that sucks. Not because I did it intentionally, but because I thought we could be friends. But obviously, we can't. And that totally sucks. It actually breaks my heart a little. But we can't be. She's 'with' someone. Basically, the same situation that I was in, is what this other girl is in. And for a while, I was jealous of this new girl.

She swept in and stole the girl I loved from under me. And I hated her for it. But now I've started to move on a little. That's not to say my feelings are gone. Because they aren't. But for the first time is months, I can look at somebody besides her. 

And then she told me that. That being, "I told *other girl* that the only reason you and me weren't together is because you're too young'. 

And I'm mad. And I'm confused. And I feel awful.

For a long time after Co-Worker and New Girl started getting together, I backed off... a lot. We didn't talk, we didn't look at each other. I left her be. But you can only pretend not to care about somebody so much. So eventually we started to be friends again.

And this has caused all sorts of problems. New Girl has trust issues, and every time I talk to Co-Worker, she gets upset. She thinks that Co-Worker and I are screwing around behind her back. We can't even smoke at the same time without there being drama created. I had eyes for only her at one point. But that's not true anymore. I'm starting to see somebody else, because I can't wait for her to decide that I'm old enough.

And she lied to me. 

And Best Friend talked trash about her the entire ride home. And she has the right to her opinion, I just don't agree with it. 

I don't know. I just feel bad. If I would have known what Co-Worker told New Girl, I never would have gone back to being friends with her.

I'm not one of those people who likes to ruin relationships. 

And since I can't see my computer screen anymore. I guess I'm going to bed. 

[fallenfromthethrone]

Back To Vent

A lot of crazy things have been going on in my life. Co-Worker, best friend, parents, Ex-Boyfriend, work, and school. I feel like everything is spiraling out of control, and super fast. I don't know how to handle most of the situations I keep finding myself in. And I definitely don't know how to handle the emotions that seem to fill every ounce of my body. 

I can't seem to understand my parents lately. My mom, bless her. I love her to death. But I can't win with her. Today she yelled at me because the "roads were icy". No. No they weren't. And even if they were- how can I control that? With each passing day she becomes harder and harder to please. So I just hide away in my room, hoping that she'll forget I'm here. Usually she does, until she needs something. Then I suddenly exist again. 

Which brings up another point. A lot of people take me for granted. I go out of my way to do nice things for them, or to help them out. It seems like they do not give a single fuck about how it will affect me. For example. I buy spare groceries, and I cook dinner. But nobody cares that since I've done that, I'll be up until 3 am working on school work, just to get back up at seven. 

And I love my best friend to death. I'd do anything for her. And typically I do. But sometimes, I can't. And I hate that she gets so mad at me the one time I can't help out. Because I try so hard. I really do. And lately it's been good. But for a while, it was bad. One Sunday she was mad at me because she couldn't leave work to see her Boyfriend because we weren't stocked up in To-Gos. And I felt awful. But I felt worse because she was so mad that she couldn't go. But can't she realize that I put my neck on the line a lot? That I go out of my way to make sure she can see her Boyfriend?

I guess what I'm saying is. Why do people only recognize when you can't help out?

My mom does that a lot. And ex-boyfriend did it on occasion. I guess I just feel unappreciated sometimes. But everyone does at some point I guess. 

I saw Ex-Boyfriend about 2 weeks ago. It was completely and totally awkward. We drank coffee and caught up. And then I told him that I forgave him for everything. And there was a lot to forgive him for. A lot. But I've let it go now. And I'm trying to move on with my life. And I'm going to make sure he stays out of my life. Not because I don't miss him, because I do. But he's not worth it. He's not worth the drama, he's not worth the anger. I'm just so tired of dealing with his guilt trips. His ultimatums. 

Funny thing is though. Is his current girlfriend told him he could be my friend, or he could date her... And all I could think about was karma. And I know karma doesn't work like that. But the complete irony of the situation he was finding himself in, was pretty much the situation I found myself in, in August. 

Which brings me back to to Co-Worker. Who by the way. Is sleeping with another Co-Worker I think. And whatever. That's her choice, I understand that. But it hurts. It hurts everyday that I have to see her with another girl. And maybe I just need to let all of my feelings go. But I can't. I've tried. I tried hanging out with guys, which in hind-sight probably was a bad idea. But still. I tried to go on dates, I've kissed other people. But there was nothing there. Every time I get ready to hang out with someone who isn't her, and I know it's going to be a "date"- I feel guilty. I feel like shit. All I think about is if it'd hurt her to know I was going out with someone else.

Granted, I don't think it would. But if it did...

And I've already hurt her once. Back in July. And I hated how it made me feel. It was awful, and I never want to experience it again. 

And tonight she sat and talked to me for over an hour about just random shit. Just like she used to. It sucked that she was waiting for the other co-worker to get there. But in the end it was nice to just talk to her. Refreshing almost. And I think she enjoyed it too. But I seem to think a lot of things that aren't true. 

Like I thought that maybe one day, I'd be able to walk into the kitchen and kiss my Co-Worker again. But now I'm beginning to see that will never happen. 

I used to think my boss was an okay guy. But then he accused me of being a thief, where he is, and then he is just constantly putting me down, as well as everyone else in that building. 

I used to think that I wanted to grow up. But I'm so terrified about next year, I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I'm so lost and confused all of the time. And as soon as I think that I have things figured out, some shitty ass situation decides to pop up and then I lose grasp of everything that I worked so hard to figure out. 

I really don't know what to do anymore. And I'm tired of complaining about the same things over and over. But it's comforting in a way, I suppose. 

And with that, I say goodnight. 

[underagedalcoholic]

[fallenfromthethrone]

I've tried going out on dates. I've tried to convince myself that I like other people so that way I forget about her. 

But I can't. I still feel the same way that I always have. And every time I try to tell her, I get all tongue tied and can't think of how to say how I feel. 

Like today, I got half the sentence out, and then stopped talking. Because I couldn't bring myself to finish it. Not with everyone on the line listening in on the conversation. I guess that shouldn't matter, but I'd rather have a little bit of pride after being rejected. 

Not saying that I'd be rejected. I don't know what she'd say. It's hard to tell sometimes. 

And lately she's been hanging out with another girl, who has a fiance, but I don't know how long that fiance relationship will last. Which is kinda complicated in its own, and not any of my business--so I haven't pried into it.

I'm really confused right now.  I don't know what I want.

Fun. Relationship. To be a recluse. But I know that I want her. 

In bed.

To talk to. 

To depend on. 

To have her depend on me. 

And I'm just standing on the sidelines like something will happen if I sit around and watch. And maybe that's my problem. Maybe I just need to do something about how I feel. 

[fallenfromthethrone]

Can I ever just be myself? 

[fallenfromthethrone]

What a sad story.

I'm tired of seeing everyone making out. 

I'm happy for your love, but stop rubbing it in my face. 

Because then I have to come to Tumblr and reblog all of the cute relationship posts. xD

[a-river-runs-through-my-heart]

[piddlefiggy-deactivated20150508]

Here, have all of favorite photos of myself.

But p.s. I don’t smoke. Just love that smoking photo.

[animalsnaps]

[james-lebeard]

:F

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Bleh

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[fallenfromthethrone]