Fallen Star

As much as I love being pregnant again, I’m so anxious to meet our new angel

Aw well, I dunno about that, but it’s nice of you to say that.

#convo: dave #;;i think we talked about it being a boy but idc whichever you prefer

Do you know if it’s a boy or girl yet?

As much as I love being pregnant again, I’m so anxious to meet our new angel

It helps a little, yeah. Kind of what brings me back to reality, I guess that like…okay, you’ve already got one baby who’s doing okay and seems to like you but before I get to that point it’s like…my mind just goes over all the ways it could go wrong, I guess.

#convo: dave #;;do we think they all fucked him by now?

Understandable. I mean, as much as I can wrap my mind around parenthood. Though you seem to have managed with Devon under some fairly trying circumstances. Lesser people wouldn’t have.

As much as I love being pregnant again, I’m so anxious to meet our new angel

Oh, well…just everything, I suppose. I mean, excited too definitely but…y’know. Just silly fears and stuff like…what if this new baby doesn’t like me or what if I make a mistake right away? Stuff like that.

Really? I suppose I thought experience with the first child might quell one’s fears. This is unknown territory to me, of course.

#convo: dave

As much as I love being pregnant again, I’m so anxious to meet our new angel

Anxious about what, exactly?

#convo: dave

@Jesse

borderlineclarington:

It’s not too late to do something amazing. Show me. Show me how much you love me.

Okay.

#convo; hunter

@Jesse

borderlineclarington:

I’m certain. I would rather have you and all the frustration you come with than to be without you.

I just...I feel so ashamed. I should have remembered. I should have done something amazing for you.

@Jesse

borderlineclarington:

That wouldn’t make me happy.

Maybe not...initially, but over time? Are you sure you wouldn’t feel some sense of...relief?

@Jesse

borderlineclarington:

What should we do?

I don’t know. So often I feel everything would benefit from not having me around. I am a constant disappointment to the people that care about me. I wish I could disappear so you wouldn’t have to suffer this anymore.

@Jesse

borderlineclarington:

Then you made a mistake. That’s all.

I make too many mistakes, a lot of which you have to suffer from.

@Jesse

borderlineclarington:

If you weren’t thoughtless, then…why? Give me an honest reason, not some self-deprecating answer, as to why you would have intentionally hurt me.

I didn’t. I didn’t hurt you intentionally! I never sought to make you miserable. I feel that’s somehow worse. That I just...was thoughtless. That’s all it amounts to. Carelessness. How could I have been careless with you? I don’t know. Selfishness, I guess. I thought I could escape it, but I can’t. I’m horribly, inescapably self-involved. I never cared until I fell in love with you and I wish, I wish I deserved you.

@Jesse

borderlineclarington:

It’s not as though I haven’t put you through the ringer.

What matters here is what I did, how I made you feel. I can’t believe I would’ve been so thoughtless. I don’t deserve you in the least. Or Rachel, or anyone.

@Jesse

borderlineclarington:

Jesse, no. You are better than them, I just…I’m trying to be honest about how it made me feel.

No, I’m not! I did a horrible, horrible thing to you when I should have known better! On top of everything else I’ve put you through...

@Jesse

borderlineclarington:

I’m…trying to not overreact. I know you’re not my parents, you’ve been far better to me than they ever have. But…this is something they’ve done to me. And I appreciate the effort to fix it, which is also more than they’ve ever done, but…all day when I sat there wondering if someone was going to say anything and then no one did, it just brought back those feelings.

...I’m no better than them.