She’s shaking as she listens to her brother tries to explain it to her. Tears streaming down her face as he holds onto his composure as she’s effectively falling to pieces in front of him. But she can’t help but shake her head as he repeats his sentiment over and over and it’s ringing in her ears. “We didn’t do anything, Kai.” She’s whispering, whimpering as she tries to pull herself together, pull the pieces back, but she can’t, and she’s too far gone. Us. We. Us. We. “You got out." This time she’s louder, wiping the tears from her eyes though her efforts are fruitless as new tears replace the old almost immediately. "You got out!” Now it’s a scream, broken, jagged, but it gets the idea across.
“You survived, you thrived, you won. You got everything you ever wanted and put everything behind you like it never mattered at all. Like they never mattered at all. And I didn’t. I can’t.” The power in her voice is gone, but her pain takes the place as she steps away from him. “I’m alive, but I didn’t survive. I’m haunted everyday by the coven, by our family, and by you.” The tears have slowed, but not by her own choice, she’s just run out of tears. “Because now I close my eyes and I’m reliving it. I’m hearing our siblings screaming and running for their lives. I’m laying on the floor bleeding with a hunting knife sticking out of me while they’re dying and I can’t do anything to help them.” Her voice is shaking again, and she’s unraveling ever faster, but she can’t stop now, no way can she stop now. “I close my eyes and they’re gone, and you’re gone, and it’s just me and my unrelenting guilt."
Deep breaths that should provide relief don’t do the trick and she feels like she’s suffocating but she still can’t stop. "I close my eyes and I’m holding Luke as he dies in my arms because I failed him just like I failed all of them.” The tears are back, not that it changes the scene. “Everyday since I came back, I had to live my life like that, and if that wasn’t enough, now, now I close my eyes and I see Bonnie Bennett die strapped down to a table and I feel everything you felt when her heart stopped.”
She shouldn’t have done that, she shouldn’t have said that, she shouldn’t have said any of that. Her hands go up to her head, fingers grasping at her scalp as if a last attempt of maintaining some control as she’s finishing her spiral. A calm starts to set, but she’s so far gone she’s not sure it can provide the relief she needs. “You got out, Kai, but I’m stuck living with ghosts of everyone I’ve ever failed.” She’s breathing, she’s backing up and she’s trying to pick herself back up as she looks up to her brother again. Nearly identical eyes looking at each other, and even still, holding his gaze is almost more than she can bare. “I’m stuck reliving every terrible moment. The screams, the hopelessness, the guilt… all while I’m trying my hardest to hold it together for my kids and my family and for you… I fell through, Kai. We both carried the weight, but now I’m carrying it all on my own… and I-I don’t know how much longer I can do it alone.” Another pause, and another jagged breath. “But you survived, and you made it out alive… and I’m trying really hard not to hate you for it. And it’s getting harder and harder the more you talk about us and how we defied all the odds… so please, just, stop.”
He didn’t understand why she would be shaking her head at him. It made him brow knot, gray eyes burning in their confusion. Was he not explaining himself correctly? Were there words that he didn’t possess, or had he put the ones he did know in the wrong order? His mouth opened to reiterate yes, we did -- but he was busy coiling up in his own tension spring at the way she was rejecting his gospel. And then she spoke again, and Kai’s teeth scrapped painfully together as his jaw tightened. Her scream was like a smack to his face. It left him wide-eyed and frozen solid. But it did very little to disarm him.
The distance between them-- the very same that she had worked so hard for-- hadn’t lasted long. It wasn’t just a physical disengage. He could feel her start to shut him out, all over again. So when he made his advance on her, it was a quick and cold movement. His hands took each of her own, raising their joined fists between them as his fingers clenched uncomfortably around hers. “Josette.” He probably gave her a quick jerk to grab her attention. “Share it with me,” he demanded in a quiet, yet far from soft tone.
The expression he wore gave nothing but determination in the heavy way his features fell; a resolve to every line, paired with a flaming gaze. It was like every part of him was focused, so much so that he almost felt numb -- watching the scene from an aerial view. “I won’t run from you anymore.” As for his confirmed suspicions that Jo knew more than she wanted to let on... That would be a battle for another day. Tomorrow’s demon.