Blood on my hands (all that i've gained and all that i've lost)
pairing: merthur
warnings: non
status: fanfic draft, Part 1/? (~ 2300)
It’s yet again an hour of need for Camelot. But the weapon they need to safe kingdom and people comes with a price. Only those who prove that they are powerful and wicked can receive it. The knights of Camelot don’t have enough evil deeds to be worthy of the sword. They think everything is lost - until Merlin speaks up...
A magic reveal story in which Merlin makes good use of being a morally grey character. Because, yea, Merlin-is-the-victim-reveals are swell and all but he is capable of making his own decisions and some of them are pretty shady. There is still a good amount of Uther bashing included.
Somehow they get into a situation that requires someone with blood on their hands - figuratively (otherwise it wouldn't be a problem because seeing how often Arthur and Merlin and also Gwaine get wounded by just existing they probably wouldn't even have to injure anyone)
Maybe a god of the Old Religion guards a weapon they need to kill the magic beast of the week or to destroy a cursed item.
In any case: they are really desperate. People are dying and this is their last hope, their last resort.
To their misfortune, this weapon is guarded by a very cunning and wicked god and they will only give their weapon to someone who has the power and the will to use it for evil deeds
There is a test that must be passed by the one who wants to receive the weapon. They must prove that they did enough evil deeds to be worthy of it.
Arthur quickly fails his test because despite some wrongs he's done he is way too just and noble to be wicked
The only knight that seems to get at least a few moments more of consideration is Leon who has done some terrible things - however under Uther's orders which isn't quite powerful enough
"Ahh, Uther Pendragon," the god muses, "Him i would have given the weapon. Such rage and blind hatred and, oh yes, so much blood."
Arthur grits his teeth and sets his jar. he wonders if his father would be disappointed in him for not living up to this legacy of his. he wonders - not for the first time - why he wanted to be like his father once and how he managed to end up being so different.
The knights discuss their strategy. non of them is wicked enough to pass the test. they have wicked people in Camelot's dungeons. But Camelot is three day rides off and their quest is really urgent.
They could separate and seek for wicked folk, but the chances seem slim and the risk of them keeping the weapon as they receive it seems too big
People are dying and they need to do something now.
"there must be another way to destroy it," Lancelot suggests, though they've been over this. His eyes stray to Merlin, but Merlin seems caught up in thought.
If there was an easier way to do this, Merlin and Gaius would have come up with it by now. asking the god had been their idea in the first place.
"What if there isn't?" Gwaine argues heatedly. "We can't have waisted six days for nothing. This is probably our last chance."
"so what do you suggest?" Lancelot interrupts somewhat irritated. They temperaments are heated at this point. And suddenly knowing each other’s worst deeds doesn’t exactly lighten the mood. "All of us failed the test. i wouldn't have thought that I'd ever be angry about being found too good and noble."
Gwaine shrugs with a grimace. He hadn't thought that he'd ever be deemed good and noble in the first place.
"maybe there's a way out of that," Arthur says. He hasn’t spoken in a while and all heads turn towards him.
"what do you mean, Sire?" Leon asks, looking uneasy as if he already knows and doesn't like it.
"If you're not noble enough, you proof your nobility by doing good deeds," Arthur starts matter of fact. "so, logically, if I'm not wicked enough, i prove my wickedness by doing an evil deed."
The god smiles a toothy smile.
"To murder just anyone obviously isn't evil enough" Arthur says, looking at the god with disgust. "so it must be somthing worse. murdering a friend, for example."
"My king, with all due respect, this is madness," Leon say carefully.
"sir Leon, that's the point." Arthur says sourly.
"is that really it?" Gwaine shouts at the god who watches his outburst unimpressed. "You want us to slaughter each other?"
the god laughs, distant and hollow and the earth seems to vibrate with it. "The weapon can only be taken by those of power who are wicked and cunning enough to wield it." the god repeats his earlier words.
"So there's not even a guarantee," Gwaine says, throwing up his arms. "Arthur, let's just leave and see if we can find something else."
"there is nothing else, Gwaine, you said so yourself!" Arthur returns. His expression is incredibly pained but determined in a way that makes them all shudder. Leon, Percival and Lancelot unconsciously get into fighting stance.
Gwaine takes a few steps to put himself between the king and Merlin who is the most vulnerable
Arthur nods to himself, seemingly coming to a decision in his head. Tehn he draws his sword . "If either of you kills me while i try to kill you, that might be enough too" he muses
They all stare at him in horror, unable to believe that he will go through with this.
"My people are dying," Arthur says, his tone pleading, "if i have to sacrifice my good conscience to help them - well, it is a price i must be willing to pay. I'm sorry. But all of you swore to protect Camelot at all costs too."
Arthur halts for am moment then nods grimly. "Don't try to sacrifice yourself. I'm sure that's not what he's looking for" Arthur nods towards the stony god who smiles.
"you can't be serious" Mordred whispers.
"I'm afraid i am. Now, it's been an honour. truely. and i hope - i hope I'll still have your respect afterwards. Though, i can understand if you can't trust me again."
"that's enough."
They all turn around. Partly, because they had forgotten about Merlin who has been uncharacteristically quiet the whole time. and partly because they have rarely heard this sort of tone from him. harsh and demanding. a voice more fit for a king than his manservant.
They stare at him and he makes short eye contact with Arthur before he steps forward, in front of the statue that the god is using as a vessel.
"test me." Merlin says. his voice is determined and his shoulders are set.
Arthur let's out a short laugh, because clearly this is absurd, right? Merlin is the best and kindest of all of them. Actually, coming to think of it, if he's really honest, Merlin probably is the reason Arthur is not like his father. Merlin makes him better. Merlin makes him want to be better.
A few of the knights share his sentiments, laughing slightly hysterical with tension but still perplexed over this development.
Only Lancelot steps forward with a frown as if to pull him back, but merlin raises a hand without looking at him and he stops in his tracks.
Arthur who was about to say something stops too.
The god looks more alive than before he seems to stretch himself to his full height as if he has waited for this
"welcome" he starts as he has with all of them. "young warlock, tell me your deeds."
lancelot tenses, casting a worried glance back at the king who stands there, sword still drawn, eyes fixed in Merlin as if he doesn't understand any of this
Lancelot doesn't either. Even if Merlin is a sorcerer - what evil deeds can he possibly have done? Saving Arthur's life over and over without ever seeking credit doesn't have a ring of evil to him.
"I am Merlin, and they call my Emrys." Merlin starts.
Some of the Knights gasp. Emrys is a name they know by now.
Lancelot wonders whether Merlin considers his identity an evil deed in itself. The possibility breaks his heart a bit.
"I was born with magic. I am the most powerful sorcerer there is."
Merlin takes a deep breath.
"i lied to all my friends. I let them think they can trust me, that they know me. But they never will. I could kill them just by looking at them. I am magic and i killed many behind friends backs and before their eyes, but never revealed myself to them"
"I am a slayer of my own people," he continues, his voice hard, "I killed many creatures and men of magic to protect their murderers - the king and his son. I did it out of self-righteousness and out of selfishness because...” for a moment, Merlin halts, but then he continuous with the same hard tone as before, as if something is forced out of him, but he wants to stand for it.
“I loved Arthur more than my own people. i let many of them die even though i could have helped them if i had revealed myself. But i couldn't bear the thought to be separated from him so i stayed quiet and watched them burn."
The god nods Merlin on. They all stand in shock. They know from before that Merlin won't be able to stop telling his deeds before the god thinks he is done.
"I killed the witch Nimueh even though she told me i have to pay with a life to save Arthur's. Instead of giving my life as i promised, i killed her."
"I killed Mary Collins, Afanc, Aulfric, Sophia, Cornelius Sigan, Myror and many more. "
Merlin's voice falters a bit, but he seems to pull himself together visibly, because his voice is clearer again when he keeps speaking.
"My betrayal to my people is so great, my wickedness so deep, i considered to kill a child on the mere possibility that he could threaten what was mine in the future."
Mordred makes a quiet stricken noise.
No one dares take their eyes off Merlin, but Merlin himself turns his head slowly.
There is a gasp of horror when they all see that his eyes are glowing yellow with magic.
Up until now, no one except Mordred and Lancelot had truly believed it.
"I tried to kill Mordred when he was a child and i wish his death even now though he is kind and serves Arthur."
Lancelot looks at Merlin with complete bewilderment as Mordred sobs.
Merlin doesn't answer Lancelot's gaze, he just turns around again.
They can hear him take in another breath and it sounds more halting than before.
"I knew that my friend had magic and i saw her turmoil and her fear of being killed. of being burned by her own kin like all of the others. but instead of helping her, i left her in the dark. I told her to trust me - she trusted my - and then i poisoned her."
Merlin stops for a moment, his voice sounds rough as if speaking becomes quickly more difficult.
"I gave Morgana poison in full intend and watched her as she died and i regretted when she was healed."
"Only i had the power and knowledge to save her, but i turned my head from her suffering, i killed her when she didn't know better than to turn to her sister, it was me that made her what she is today."
There is another short pause. Lancelot is desperate to see Merlin's face. To demand how this all really went. Because though he knows that Merlin is bound to say the truth by the power of the god, he still thinks there must be a mistake or a trick. This is not Merlin. Merlin would never...would he?
"I conspired with and freed the dragon that attacked Camelot which led to the death of many innocent people. I attempted to kill Arthur on multiple occasions."
Lancelot frowns. This one he knows to be untrue. Merlin didn't want to kill Arthur. it was Morgana's doing that he went after him.
"i saved Uther Pendragon's life - more than once. I let him live even though he slaughtered my people. I saved his life even though i didn't have to. I never killed him even though i had many opportunities."
Merlin pauses then, looking up at the god.
"Do i really need to go on?" he asks and it sounds almost indifferent. except they know Merlin and they know how his face looks when he sounds this way.
The god leans their head to one side slowly. the stone his vessel is made of groans.
"You are worthy, young warlock. More than you know. Into your hands i command my sword."
Suddenly, there is noise and light and they cover their eyes, everyone except for Merlin and Mordred.
They can't be sure but they think they can hear Merlin's voice through it all, speaking a foreign tongue. Then, it's over.
When the air clears, Merlin stands alone, the stone vessel of the god has crumbled to pieces, a big sword in his hand. For just a moment, when he turns around to face them, he looks nothing like Merlin at all. His eyes are golden, and his face is grim, lips pressed into a thin line. His posture is straight and majestic and he holds the sword like a warrior. His appearance strikes them with fear. He looks like power incarnate.
The others notice from the corners of their eyes that Mordred kneels before him. and even as they are completely bewildered, they have an urge to do the same.
The next moment though, it's all gone, and Merlin looks like he's never handled a sword before. His eyes are blue and his cheeks messy with dust and tears. He sinks to his knees and the weapon falls from his hands - is pushed from his fingers as if through magic, landing on the ground with a strange sound.
Merlin looks after the sword with disgust clear on his face. Then he looks up and suddenly he looks afraid.
To be continued