I know this is totally not in line with the theme of my blog at all but i think its really important for me to say this and talk about my experiences.
That Sammy post i did back in febuary was gonna be my last post i did on this blog. I planned no announcement what so ever, this blog was just gonna be dead forever. This doesnt mean i was abandoning the community, nor did it mean that i grew out of layton -as you can see im still running this blog and i even made a discord to talk to you guys.
Back in February when i made that post was when i was at my worst point. I felt so numb, i had actual physical pain from the emotional strain, i was so stressed from my classes, my old friends, the future, and my family’s stress. It felt like the years of despair, hopelessness, and repression. And i was so close, but i was stopped. Almost anything pushed me over the edge inside but no one could ever see it because i was so good at hiding it.
Every time i ever reached out for help i felt like i was always dismissed, when i reached out to someone who i thought was a friend they used it to talk about themself, and i listened and comforted them every time but they never was there for me. I felt like a ghost, no one ever noticed me and even if they did they gave no indication that they did. I think the best way to describe depression was the way they did in the show People Watching
For most my life i was depersonalized but now i was in my body, in control of the things i do, i never got angry like i used to, i talked to my classmates more, they didnt know except for the aforementioned friend. I figured out that i actually enjoyed things.I got accepted to my dream university, i got a new laptop for cheap, im learning how to drive, i realized that im so capable of anything. I felt alive for once, not like there was this mysterious force making my ever move, yes i still have my episodes and yes i still have a guilt complex but i feel so much more in control that it doesn’t even matter to me anymore. I’m actually so happy, like real happiness. Maybe i have more unchecked issued but i dont hurt myself anymore, i dont isolate myself as much as i did and even though i still dont reach out that much i know how to sooth myself. If your wondering I am medicated. I want to tell you all that even though on the inside you feel like your worthless. In the last episode of People Watching they talk about how it seemed so much better in the past because our right now seems like it sucks, but then realize that even though it seems like that there are somethings that we would be in the past. Once again Safra’s quote accurately describes how i feel now.
I’m not gonna give up, im never gonna give, i don’t care if my life, if anyone’s like is worthless in the grand scheme of the universe, who care’s how small we are, we feel things, we exist in a human context so that actually matters. So we may not be able to find out how the universe works or shit like that. We, nobody is extraordinary, no one is, and that’s why we’re so special, because if no one is, then there really is no standard, and we can be who we want to be. I though i was gonna be dead before i even get to graduate but look at me now, im still here and im still talking to you guys because i’ve decided that im not gonna let childhood trauma, im not gonna let the thousands of family deaths, im not gonna let any bullying, manipulation, depression, neglect, intrusive/racing thoughts and hallucination get the best of me. Because depression and any other thing i might have, they aren’t me, they never were. I may have depression but I am not depression’s bitch anymore. I’m gonna live the way I want and feel the way I want because even though I am an underwhelming and virtually useless person, I know I deserve love, happiness, hope, friends. I don’t care if i’m not good at anything or if I suck at everything everybody else is good at, because even though my efforts go unnoticed or i’m ignored again, i did something, and hell maybe someone did notice but we just don’t know. So don’t fucking give up, don’t give in, don’t live for anybody but yourself. Because even though I was never this emotional but I was never this lively either.
There is a list of hotline numbers if you need them under the read more
prguitarman
kianamaiart
tangentwithtanner
