[fangmeds]

I could cry. Is it childish? Sure. But fuck me I can't control how I feel. I liked this man for 3 years. Three fucking years. Then when I finally fix my relationship with my boyfriend and we get back together and we're happy together, now I gotta find out he might like me too?

It's bullshit.

I moved on, so why does this gotta come back now? Seriously. Like once ina life time bullshit.

I don't want once in a lifetime.

I want consistency. I want someone who will love me all the time. Someone who's available for me always.

[fangmeds]

I fucking swearrr when you're single NOBODY wants you. When you're happy then all the sudden everyone wanna come out and say they feel some type of way about you.

[fangmeds]

So fucking frustrating. Why keep it secret until now? When it was so obvious how I felt? And what, now that I'm happy again the universe just wants to throw it in my face? Oh lookie here! There's a chance you could have this if you just blow your whole life up again! Isn't it so tempting?

No. Maybe it was once upon a time. I'm too tired for this now. I could've had fun a year ago. Seen where things could go. The whole rigamarole.

I'm too old for this shit now. I'm tired. And besides, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

I mean could you imagine? Him seeing my place. How I live. How fucking ghetto my life really is? Having to explain my medical issues. My mental issues. All my baggage. Yeah no. There was a time where that was considerable. Now? I'd rather stay comfortable I think.

If my love could just stay sober. I'd never wanna leave him. When he's sober he is my rock. My soulmate.

Please God. Don't fuck this up for me. Just let me have him. He's all I want.

[fangmeds]

You think just cause I let you back into my life, that we're "back on track" now that I'm going to lay down and submit?

That I'm going to tolerate the same behavior that drove me away in the first place?

The drinking? The arguing? The control?

Please.

You're either going to change or I'm going to get what I want and leave again.

It might sound fucked up but I don't care.

If you treat me badly I'm going to take what I want from you and not feel bad.

[fangmeds]

And like fucking whatever.

I knew you'd throw that shit in my face sooner rather than later.

I even told you that would happen.

And I told you I wouldn't tolerate it.

And yet. Here we are.

I don't even know what could fix this.

Apologizing is worthless to me coming from you.

Every empty apology, every empty promise, all the lip service.

You've made the mistake of thinking you earned my trust back.

You never will. Not like this.

[fangmeds]

how do I continuously keep making mistake after mistake.

And not like. Little ones either no.

Like. Nearly life altering ass mistakes.

I mean yeah making mistakes in the realm of dating and relationships is really common especially young.

But it feels so very catastrophic to me.

And having to keep making promises I don't mean to guys who demand everything of me?

Not fun. Not great. I don't even know what I want or who I want to be how am I supposed to promise you everything forever?

So

Fucking

Creepy.

It's only ever out of insecurities and a need to possess/control me as a partner.

Never because they actually you know

Care wether I mean what I say or not.

No, just like a dog.

Do what I say!

Good girl!

It'd be great if that's what we agreed on!

I even like being treated like a dog in roleplay situations!

But as a person?

Like just as a principle?

Seriously all you can go FUCK YOURSELVES

[user7038634357]

the divine poison of knowing

[fangmeds]

Its my burden to bear. How much i miss you. Ite stupid. It really is.

You havent changed

I still miss you.

Miss when you were there to hold me

Is it only physical?

It cant be. If it was, i could do with anyone; cuddle with anyone. Hold anyone. Kiss anyone.

So why do I wish it was you? After everything?

After what you put me through ? After you left me before I could leave you? After you admitted you wanted to change me from the start.

I dont understand.

[fangmeds]

This is the song they played when I crashed into the wall

This is the girl I told that we could have it all

This is the life I've made, and I can't go back to fall

Back to fall

Back to everyone I ever knew at all

[fangmeds]

And you never knew.

How much i really liked you.

Cause I never even told you

Oh and I meant to....

[fangmeds]

Maybe just nostalgia

[fangmeds]

Wonder if ur thinking of me too rn

[fangmeds]

Embarrassing that as a grown adult i have to fight urges to do stupid shit I havent done since I was 16.

Why cant i like

Just turn to substance abuse like a real adult lmfao.

[fangmeds]

But you said gets better, that’s the worst lie

Every new curse hurts worse than the first fight

I’d be lyin' if I said I had a bad life

It’s just that every fuckin' day is such a bad time

In my past life I must have been worthless

'Cause I don’t know what the fuck I did to deserve this

[fangmeds]

What a shit show of a life I've lived.

At least things are mellow now.

Agonozingly so.

The days have become so. Mundane. Tedious.

Yet all the insecurity remains.

From everything. All of it.

Will i ever be whole?

[fangmeds]

It hurts. I know it shouldn't. Not anymore. Not after so long, and not after things have changed. But it does. More than anyone knows. More than even i know. But i feel it.

[fangmeds]

How am I just.

Supposed to. Keep going. Like none of it ever happened.

Maybe its the years of repression but. I think im oddly well adjusted all things considered.

If it wasnt for the repression, and the shame i feel about my past, I think id be losing my mind a lot more, all things considered.

Things are so

Different now.

What's that i say always? "Too little too late"?

Right. I cant find forgiveness, but what other option is there?

This is all I wanted. This is all I ever wanted. But I was a kid then. Now im an adult.

It doesnt erase the pain.

Why couldn't I have had this back then? When I needed it?

Now im just a deer in the headlights

Feels like being haunted by the ghosts of my past.

Worst of all? The change is

Jarring.

I miss it. I was so used to it. The chaos. The pain. The adrenaline. The fear.

Now it feels like

I have nothing left.

[fangmeds]

But i guess even the most wicked get old eventually right? I mean you couldn't have possibly kept going like that.

I wasnt sure what would happen first. Change. Or death.

What an ironic image.

Dying just like her in a way.

But you didn't

Is it real this time?

Is it real...?