Order of the Phoenix

Welcome friends, enemies. I swore I'd fight for freedom from this Hell I was bled into, but I only succeeded in falling further into the blackened pit. This year will be different. I swear it. Welcome friends, enemies. Welcome to the continuing journey of a Cowardly Lion. I will rise above this or I will die trying. In a blaze of glory, yours truly, -Phoenix Diary of a Cowardly Lion: http://thereisamorningafter.tumblr.com/

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Dearly Departing

Day 145

I woke up around five this morning, for no good reason.

I couldn't sleep.

Instead I spent the next forty minutes watching the sun rise through my bedroom window.

I told myself I would make it.  That this will work. That everything will be just. fine.

I will survive this. I will make it out alive. Or I'll take the world down with me.

Whichever.

I leave for JobCorps tomorrow morning. Weather or not I will have access to tumblr, this diary, I think for the sake of my sanity I'll leave now and never look back.

There is no wisdom, no glory to be found here.

This botched experiment has not brought me any joy or peace of mind. I will not leave anymore enlightened by my experience.

I hope I make it back long enough to say 'Hey, I made it', that I'm Okay.

There's that ugly word again; Hope

She makes me sick, but I can't get rid of her no matter how many times I scrub and scald myself.

A nasty little germ.

But alas...

My mother bought a steak last night. It's sitting in the fridge, wrapped up nicely, top shelf.

That might not sound like anything special, and it isn't, but I don't remember her ever, in all my life, buying one before.

I like to think she's celebrating my leaving. All on her own, thankful to be rid of me.

I don't blame her. I'm in the mood for six.

I leave today to spend the night with my brother, some vain attempt at kinship.

No matter. I'm content in pretending either of us mean a damn thing to the other, just for the day.

So, actually, I have no days left to count. Only hours.

Tomorrow the real adventure begins.

Come'on world, give me your best shot. I'm ready.

1 Days Remaining  3 Hours Remaining 

See ya around.

xxo-

Cowardly Lion, aka Phoenix

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Day 144

2 Days Remaining

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Hope Can Bite My Ass

Day 143

Don't talk to me about hope.

Don't talk to me about looking for the good in people, in things.

Don't talk to me about crossing my fingers and making wishes on burning wicks.

Don't talk to me about counting my blessings.

And don't you ever talk to me about 'what I've got', to be content with the shitty hands I've been dealt.

If I always expect the worst in people, in life, than how can I ever be disappointed or heart broken?

Fuck you and your optimism.

What the hell has hope ever done for me

3 Days Remaining

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Day 142

I'm ready.

I am so fucking ready.

4 Days Remaining

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think happy thoughts

Day 141

I have zero hopes that I will pass my academic classes.

I have every reassurance that I will fail whatever I set myself up to do.

If this school doesn't work out, if I'm just too damn stupid to get it together, I'm done.

If there isn't a diploma in my hand I'll trade up for a loaded gun.

5 Days Remaining

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Day 140

He's gone.

6 Days Remaining

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Just something I keep thinking about...

Day 139

I'm gonna be pretty pissed if I die before my departure date.

Pretty gosh darn pissed.

7 Days Remaining

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Day 138

I can't sleep.

My stomach feels knotted and my head is clogged.

I'm stressed, can't think, not hungry.

And I am still. pumped. the fuck up.

8 Days Remaining

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Day 137

He is my gravest sin and I will never forgive myself.

I will never forget.

9 Days Remaining

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Day 136

How does one pack their entire bedroom into one suitcase?

This is important.

10 Days Remaining

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Day 135

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ready to go.

'I just have a few more things to-'

'No, but are you ready?'

'Yeah... I just have to get-'

'Aren't you worried you'll get homesick?'

It's so hard not to laugh in their face.

Do they not realize that for the past 19 years of my life I have been suffocating in this house, in this family?

Of course they don't.

This is a godsend and it can't come soon enough.

I AM GETTING OUT

No, this is not ideal. I would rather be doing anything else.

But this is all I have, my one chance, and I have to take it.

I'll miss my dog.

But that's it.

If it wasn't for my good girl, I wouldn't come home on break.

They'd never see me again.

I AM GETTING OUT AND I FEEL AMAZING AND FUCK YOU FOR TRYING TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME

11 Days Remaining

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Day 134

I got the call.

I'm set to leave on the 26th.

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Get me the fuck outta here.

12 Days Remaining

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Day 133

The first time a guy walks up to me and asks for my number and he's...

16.

I'm 19.

Dammit.

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Day 132

Ya'know, some kids get nice nick names like 'sweetie pie' or 'honey bunch'

Somehow I ended up with devil spawn and 'joy sucker'

Thanks mom.

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Day 131

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Day 130

Sorry I couldn't be the son you wanted.

Sorry you aren't the mother I deserved.

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Day 129

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is sincerely excellent.