No Todo Está Perdido

Personal blog of Hosco O. Morado. Depression, BPD, anxiety, autism, dermatillomania, asexuality, nonbinary stuff. Potentially triggering posts will be tagged. Very personal, no filter, think twice before following.

[fantasticosobala]

Back here. Need to stop sharing my personal shit on my rp blog really.

This year is ending weird. My old best friend appeared. I'm back at attending small concerts of my favorite local artists after about 12 years of absence. I have more tattoos, some are spontaneous. I unlocked a subpersonality that is in charge for pain now (Nico), and I don't know if it's good or bad.

On the other side, my heart does somersaults I don't like, my older pup is sick and refuses to eat his food, my mom also doesn't fee well most of the time.

I changed my mental health meds to more strong ones, but considering all the stuff that is happening, I'm feeling quite down and tired of life. My bpd brain looks for an outlet and currently is obsessed with Augusto Ledesma from Memento Mori (hence, my muse Nico is hyperactive). And not that I'm thinking about s**cide, but I need my brain and my body to shut off for a while, so I could rest.

[fantasticosobala]

When two of your FP's are silent, and you don't know what to do with yourself. Because only they can patch the holes in your identity and make you feel happy by that.

[fantasticosobala]

My therapist asked me how is it going to be for me on my 3 weeks vacation when I won't be able to see D.? And honestly I don't know. I miss him all the time.

[fantasticosobala]

I'm fine. I grabbed myself and dragged myself from the edge of the abyss at the last moment. I'm proud of myself and I'm fine.

[fantasticosobala]

I am light. I am kindness. I am love.

And I'm stronger. I'm stronger.

[fantasticosobala]

In my last night dream we kissed, and it was so sweet, so gentle, and so real. The good thing is I liked that and I liked waking up with the feeling of his lips on mine. The bad thing is that now I know how it might feel, and I need it to happen. I look at him and I want to touch him even more now, I want this kiss because I still feel it. And since the first day I realized that I fell in love with him I was afraid exactly of this. Dreams that are too real, and my broken brain perceiving them as real. Now I'm feeling how I fall back into depression again and hear tiny whispers that are telling me that I'm nothing.

[n-u-b-e-s-n-e-g-r-a-s]

[lovian369]

[borderline-culture-is]

bpd culture is ALCOHOL I LOVE ALCOHOL WOOOOOO ALCOHOL

.

[fantasticosobala]

It's fucking true and fucking sad.

[desorbitad0]

Búscame cuando no puedas con tu tristeza

[gonzalo-obes]

SIEMPRE ASTURIAS

Más fotos de Asturias y a mayor calidad en

http://obesia.com/index.php/asturias/imagenes-de-asturias

[losinmortalesperdidos]

El Señor más brillante y hermoso.

bunburyuniverso & loslagosdepokhara on Instagram

[fantasticosobala]

// I guess we're friends. Not that I really hoped for something bigger (of course I'm lying), but this is very good, too. At least he answers my messages and my presents AND my presence don't bother him. He gave me a hug on his birthday (oh that hug! it felt exactly as I imagined). His smile is the best smile ever. And he makes me laugh. I guess after all the years and after all the shit a had been through, I can or at least can try to love for two and just enjoy knowing him.

[fantasticosobala]

// I love him so much. He's so pretty and so good. So warm. I want to hug him, to hold his hand (and to bite him). I want to be able to say aloud "Я люблю Диму Китаева." I want to have his picture to look at him while he's not here. I'm happy to have him in my life, but a need more sensually and emotionally.

[fantasticosobala]

[fantasticosobala]

I haven't fallen in love for 8 years after L. and the trauma she had left me. And then I saw D. and got smitten. My therapist said today that I saw him because there's more life and positive view in me. She also said I'm more mature now because I can hold back my bpd obsessive urges. So, guys, one more time: therapy + meds work for us borderlines. Do not give up on yourself.

[fantasticosobala]

I wish for once someone fell in love with me. Not wanted me, but actually loved me. Not expected me to fall in their bed, but accepted me with all my weirdness and looked at me like I'm the most beautiful person they've ever seen. For once to be cared about, worried about. For once to be on someone's mind as a person, not as a body.