I regret breaking up with Zoe the way I did. I wish I never got with Mar. I ruined myself

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I regret breaking up with Zoe the way I did. I wish I never got with Mar. I ruined myself
3.3.2021
I find it hard to stick around when something doesn’t feel genuine to me. I wonder why it’s happened so often. Maybe one who doesn’t feel genuine in certain environments is in a perpetual state of “finding themselves” so nothing ever feels completely genuine? And the trick is to just complete everything you come in contact with, or at least see it through in some way, before you give into the need to run away. Completion? Completion without full immersion is taxing but rewarding in the long run because you’re at least leaving traces of you through time; actual tangible evidence, not just the things you work on in secret. I suppose it’s just up to the speed at which you work then. Sometimes the environment works for you, rather, you must make the environment work for you if it isn’t already. It’s possible. Some of the greatest things were created during the most dire of situations.Â
2.16.21 (2)
Taylor Swift’s “never getting back together” cadence was inspired by Elliot Smith’s A Question Mark at 2:00 “Kept Us Together”
2.16.21
Everyone is getting older, everyone is constantly changing, I feel like I am too. My body is settling, learning its capabilities, my mind is expanding and yet settling into itself, becoming comfortable with the fact that in many ways it is out of practice- mostly for things related to feeling motivated to do the things I love the most. I spend my time caring for my plants and reminding myself that it is possible to support the life of something beautiful, even if that thing isn’t me; the thing that i’m tending to first thing in the morning. Can you sense the ambivalence?Â
 I just messaged my mom to tell her I love her and that I’m sorry for stressing her out so much when I was growing. I still am growing... I think? My mind changes rapidly, about many things, I’m constantly adapting to new frames of thinking and yet I still can’t find the motivation to love on my musical part of my brain. It appears it’s as simple as just picking one of these things up and doing it, however I want to make sure I capture the best version of whatever it is I’m doing. Maybe that’s only possible If i’m not thinking about it to hard? That way whatever I capture is truly in the moment.Â
Moon opposite sun, mercury, and Pluto... am I doomed for an existence of inner turmoil and conflict? Will my internal world be a complete opposite reflection of my outer world? Imagine that: Someone who seems so happy on the outside but is so deeply troubled and sad. Alternatively, someone who is so horribly brooding and sad outwardly but perfectly content and happy on the inside. I’m not sure which would suit me. I feel as though they come out at different times. Whatever it is... I hope I figure it out soon.Â
WAYS TO SUPPORT/BE AN ALLY
Here is a compilation of places to donate (IF you can, simply reblogging and sharing this can help) and petition to sign. I found these websites and organizations on twitter.
DONATIONS
THE MINNESOTAÂ FREEDOM FUND: Donate to this to collect funds to pay jail bonds for the protesters who get arrested.
BLACK LIVES MATTER: An organization fighting for the BLM movement. Donate if you can.Â
BLACK VISIONS MN: an organization that is led by Black, Queer and Trans people. Donate if you can.
NAACP Legal Defense Fund: Fights for the overall equality fight. Donate if you can.
PETITIONS
Willie Simmons has spent 38 years in prison for a $9 robbery. He had two prior convictions similar to robbery that he served time for. He was prosecuted under the Alabama Habitual Offender law and was given a life sentence for his third strike - stealing 9 (NINE) dollars. Sign his petition.Â
Breonna Taylor was killed by police who were conducting an UNANNOUNCED drug raid, where they gave no request to enter. They bashed her door and entered, shooting her EIGHT times. They were in the WRONG HOUSE.Â
George Floyd was killed by a police officer who knelt on his neck and suffocated him to death, after George pleaded with the officer and told him he couldn’t breathe. The officer had pulled him from where he sat in his car on an alleged FORGERY. You can also text “FLOYD” to 55156
ARREST THE OFFICERS WHO KILLED GEORGE FLOYD: The main police officer who murdered George is being kept in PROTECTIVE CUSTODY. You probably have heard he was arrested, but this is NOT TRUE. He was placed under PROTECTIVE custody because of the riots and “threats” on his life.Â
If you know of ANY other organizations or petitions, PLEASE ADD TO THIS LIST. The fight for justice doesn’t end here, it will never end. Especially when the president of the United States calls white supremacists good people and protesters of a mans death THUGS. USE YOUR VOICE. NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE. FUCK COPS. FUCK “BLUE LIVES”. ALL BLACK LIVES MATTER!
the minnesota freedom fund is asking folks to donate to other organizations instead. the specific ones they listed are black visions, linked above, and these two:
northstar health collective, organized healthcare professionals working with anti-authoritarian groups
reclaim the block, a collective that aims to redistribute funding away from police and towards more community-oriented projects in minneapolis
these are the links i send to my facebook friends who keep running their mouths about “the protests hurting the community”
minnehaha food shelf &Â calvary church food shelf are both centered in the south minneapolis area where the riots started. the grocery stores in the area have been decimated, so food shelves and food insecurity charities need a lot of love right now.
northside funders group is a philanthropic group in the twin cities that’s using all its funds right now for helping local businesses
migizi is a native american media/history nonprofit whose office was destroyed in the riots
we love lake street is devoting funds specifically towards rebuilding the lake street area in south minneapolis
some more groups that could use your help
the healing justice foundation is a national nonprofit that’s specifically focusing on mental health resources for bipoc right now
ctul is a nonprofit focused on low-wage workers and workers rights in minnesota
mpd 150 is focused on policing and specifically trying to reroute the conversation from “we need to change police procedures” to “the police need structural reform”
the spiral collective is providing funds for supplies, medic kits, and other things that protesters will need on the ground
unicorn riot is a media collective that has had people on the ground filming every night in minneapolis
last but not least some more bail funds
atlanta
baltimore
brooklyn
columbus
connecticut
dallas
denver
detroit
houston
las vegas
los angeles
louisville
massachusetts
philadelphia
pittsburgh
seattle
Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)
Physical abuse
parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson
parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good
parent pulled on my hair to force me to move
parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me
parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them
parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them
parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body
parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them
parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping
parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life
parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries
parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say
parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eatÂ
parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me
parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture
parent forced me into sexual activities
Emotional abuse
parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once
parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice
parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun
parent insulted and devalued something really important to me
parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me
parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once
parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault
parent shamed me for my physical appearance
parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough
parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all
parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults
parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort
parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms
parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness
parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter
parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst
parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them
parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away
parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change
parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change
parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation
parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy
parent assured me that nobody will ever want meÂ
parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse
parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker
parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”
parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time
parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries
parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge
parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence
parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me
Psychological Abuse
parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything
parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks
parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start
parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy
parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument
parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do itÂ
parent threatened to leave me
parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did
parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions
parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation
parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof
parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me
parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did
Neglect
parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly
parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick
parent didn’t notice I was injured
parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school
parent didn’t notice I suffered from traumaÂ
parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed
parent didn’t notice I was depressed
parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself
parent didn’t notice I was suicidal
parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused
parent didn’t notice I was being bullied
parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed
parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care
parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive
when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it
Financial Abuse
parent made me feel ashamed for needing money
parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them
parent only gave me minimal money to surviveÂ
parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me
parent took the money I earned from me
parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)
parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions
parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything
parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves
parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not
parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity
parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age
parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them
If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!
I think about killing myself way too often
dude I want to jump off a fucking BRIDGE. I want so badly to just leave my house and accidentally fall off a cliff.
This quarantine is sucking the life away from me. I can’t see anybody. I don’t get along with my family, I’m not growing here, I’m confined to my room otherwise and my eating habits are going down the drain.
I can’t vent to my significant other about these things because it’s just gonna drive a rift into our relationship. I don’t like to complain about these things to other people because I feel like a burden. How can I push through generational karma when I can’t leave the environment that’s keeping me from growing?
I think about killing myself literally every day
My family doesn’t like me but I’m stuck with them right now and i feel like it’s stunting my growth
I don’t care about anything anymore. Not how I used to.
This will be my new sad posting blog because fuck Twitter, also if someone finds this they won’t know it’s me