This is an article for everyone. A fresh perspective for those who don’t understand, and hopefully, a comforting read for those who do.I’m sure that everybody has been asked how they’re doing, how their day has been, and what they’re up too. The generic questions everybody asks either genuinely, or simply politely. think of them as the “I probably care” starter kit.” Those are the beginner questions. Sooner or later, or in some cases right away, you will hear the, dreaded for some, question: Are you okay? Now, for some, this doesn’t mean anything. They might think “Why wouldn’t I be? life is good!” or on the opposite end of the spectrum, “It doesn’t matter, I know you don’t care regardless.” Then, there exists a middle ground. The people who aren’t sure how much you really care, they want nothing more than to be okay, but they’re not sure if they really are.Sound familiar? Truth is, that isn’t uncommon. You’ve probably felt that way a few times in your life, at least. Don’t worry about that, it’s normal. For now, I’m going to focus on that middle ground. The ones who don’t really know if they’re okay. I’m one of you. Lately, my life has taken a huge turn. The Woman I loved lost all feeling for me, I moved back to my home town, and began finding out once again in life, who my friends really are. I like to think that’s a lesson you’re never too old to learn. It’s been rough. Between people who I thought would be there for me disappearing, and coping with pain I had never felt to this extent, I was scared. I have always been the person that can handle these burdens. I had great friends, family, people to lean on, so whenever I was asked if I was okay, I would reply “Yes.”, because I was genuinely okay. You can be sad, and not be okay. Being sad, angry or upset, even disappointed, doesn’t mean you aren’t okay.So then what is okay? That’s just as loaded a question as “Are you okay?”. I’m sure that everyone has their own definition of the being okay. Some might think as long as you have a roof over your head, and clothes on your back that you are okay. Others might say that as long as you aren’t fighting the urge to place the barrel of a gun in your mouth, then you’re okay. I think the raw definition is simply “To express satisfaction.” That can cover both those statements. I’m satisfied with having a roof over my head, and a revolver-free mouth everyday. who wouldn’t be at least satisfied with that? So, by definition, yes, I am satisfied, but I don’t feel okay. Why is that? Let me explain how I view the term “Being okay.”I’m sad. I am not happy. That has been a struggle in my life for years now. I don’t remember exactly when it started, but it isn’t new for me. For those of you who know me personally, or maybe know somebody who might have said that before, don’t panic. I’m not happy, but I can be. what does that mean? Everybody can be happy right? That’s a philosophy I don’t have enough life experience to argue yet. To figure this out, lets start with the difference of when I was happy, to now. When I was young I was happy. That’s common, yes, but it’s all I have. I’m not talking about generic happiness either, like being excited for holidays and having sleepovers. I’m referencing when you’re either alone with your thoughts, or when something unpleasant happens. What do you feel? A good example of this, comes from when I was about 4 or 5 years old. My great grandmother died, and understanding enough about death to know it was permanent, I was sad. Children don’t want that kind of change in their lives. Of course I felt sad, but underneath that, behind the “I don’t want this, I wish it was different.” thoughts I was having, I was happy. I still wanted to go play with my lego, and ride my bike, see my friends, Etc. When I was alone with my thoughts that day, I knew that I could still have fun. Not only could I have fun, but I wanted to. I had the urge to create fun, find fun, and share fun. I wanted to include someone in something I enjoyed. Seems simple enough right? Now lets talk about a more recent example.Recently, I lost my best friend. She passed away from cystic fibrosis. There was nothing that anybody could do, she was so young. I miss her everyday. I remember getting the phone call from my brother, asking me to sit down. He asked me if I heard the news, and I hadn’t. Deep down I knew what he was going to say. She wasn’t doing well from her lung transplant, and she had an incurable illness, it was always a matter of time from the day she was born. So when she took a turn for the worse, I was always waiting for this exact phone call. We talked and I remember everybody being more broken than me. My girlfriend cried on my shoulder, my brother was in tears on the phone. What was I doing? comforting them. Of course I was sad, and I knew my life wouldn’t be the same. Another non-reversible change, just what I need. Not long after that, my girlfriend left to see her family, and my brother got off the phone. I’m all by myself. I remember being sad and sitting in my living room, and I realized that as sad as I am, this is good. there was a silver lining. She isn’t suffering, she isn’t hurting anymore. I know that sounds so generic and people just say it about every loss of life, along with they’re in a better place, but once you see enough death, that starts to actually make sense. She was not in pain. and that comforted me. I remember playing some videogames that day, sad, but I wanted to feel joy. I knew I would be sad about this for a long time, and I will always miss her, but I didn’t want to change my life. I wanted to keep trying. I was okay. Now, each of those examples I was okay. Have I answered what okay is with just those two examples? Most likely not. So I’ll give you one more. When I was not okay. When my girlfriend and I broke up, I had some great people in my life. my family helped me move and gave me a place to stay before I found something, and my friends we’re really looking out for me. They were asking me everyday if I needed anything, trying to keep me busy, occupy my mind with distractions. They were doing everything right. It was the hardest thing I’ve had to go through, having the one person you loved, and trusted not to hurt you, stop loving you and hurt you instead. I was sad, but thought “with all of these people, I’ll be okay.”I was wrong.I started leaning on them too much. I started just being distracted from my problem instead of dealing with it. Everyone thought I was making progress. Then I crashed. I was alone, my best friends were busy, and I didn’t live at home. I was by myself. It was around midnight when my mind went into overdrive thinking about the whole situation. I broke. I found out that the person I’m still head over heels for is already moved on. She’s got her eyes on someone else. Now let me tell you something, I’ve had friends make plans without me intentionally, and my mother even forgot me at home once when she was taking my sister to school. I have never felt left behind until the moment I realized she was chasing someone else. Never in my life have I felt so far behind every single human being on the planet, like all my life experiences aren’t enough to handle this, like nothing is alright. I felt sick. I felt ugly, and unwanted, and worthless. This was a much different feeling than I had ever felt before. I have felt all of those before, growing up being bullied and excluded from things, it wasn’t a new concept to feel sad and ugly and unwanted. This was different. I’m not sure why, maybe it was because I was 22, so I thought I was grown up enough to know people can be awful, so it’s okay as long as I’m loved by the right ones. Maybe I just got too comfortable having something I never had before, which was someone who truly loved me for me. I didn’t know how to handle this feeling. I couldn’t stand for a few minutes. I was broken. That night I ended up walking to my friends house at 2 am, and he was there for me. I wasn’t alone. I knew though, that this is the moment where you are either okay, or you are not. It wasn’t a question of “Are you okay RIGHT NOW?” Either. I knew this would last. This is what makes you or breaks you. and it broke me. I stopped eating, I stopped talking to people, and I stopped caring. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I tried playing my guitar or writing music, and couldn’t get her off my mind. I picked up a controller and turned on my playstation and shut it off after ten minutes. I went for walks just to turn back around, go home, and lay down on my bed. People were inviting me over and I didn’t want to reply. sometimes they couldn’t even get me out of my room. I barricaded my door with my unpacked boxes of stuff from the move home. I knew it would worry them and I didn’t care. I became bitter. I was angry at the world. at myself, at her, at everything. I knew I loved the people that were there for me, and yet every time someone texted me I just wanted them to leave me alone. I remember getting out of the shower, and looking at myself in the mirror. I stared for about 5 min trying to asses what was wrong with me. What did I do wrong, do I deserve this for some reason? I couldn’t find anything except for unjustified self loathing. I slammed my hands on the bathroom counter, and tears in my eyes, shouted “I dont want to be in my own fucking skin.”. That hurt. I have had those feelings before, wishing to be someone else, but this was the first time that feeling had changed as well. I didn’t want to be in my own skin, but I didn’t have a single person I wished to trade places with. I didn’t want to kill myself, I wasn’t suicidal, but I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to experience anything, I didn’t want to be anyone. or anything. I didn’t want to not exist, I wanted to see the ones I love grow and be happy, but I didn’t want to do it from my own being. I’m not sure I can explain it any better than that. I didn’t want a single person to feel what I felt, so I distanced them from it. from myself. I kept them just close enough to try and ease their minds and would push anyone who got closer. I was not okay. I not only stopped finding joy in the things I loved before, but I stopped caring to get it back. I was okay with never feeling happy with that again. If I never picked up another guitar again, I was fine with that. I was okay if I never found another lover again. I was fine if I never did a single thing. I just wanted to feel better. I could have given away everything I owned, sat down in an empty room, and as long as I didn’t feel the way I did, that would be okay. I would be okay with that. I started telling myself, I would be happy to just feel okay. Im good at feeling sad, I can handle it. I’m good at feeling alone, I can handle it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I wanted to be okay. I wanted to find joy in something, even the smallest thing. I even stopped listening to music, I didn’t care anymore. I would be more than happy to just feel okay. It’s been months since that happened. I Started trying harder to include myself in new things, experience new change, and accept what happens. I started letting people in, and gained some amazing new friends. I am now okay. This break up seems to be getting a second wind, and it’s on my mind all the time now. It doesn’t hurt the way it did before, and I can still find comfort in the things I enjoy, and I always want to share that with the people I’m close with. I wake up feeling sad, lonely and upset about it. I even have my moments where I feel worthless, unloved and unwanted. I can’t be alright all the time, and nobody should be, but the difference is, when I wake up and I’m not quite myself, I’m upset and dwelling on something, when someones asks me if I’m okay, I can say yes. right now, although I’m sad and struggling, I am okay. Everyone has a different process for dealing with things, and every situation is different. So for anyone who is not okay, I feel for you. I understand the feeling. hang in there. The best advice I have is to accept new changes. Nothing can stay the same forever, and when you learn to accept new changes in life, your perspective changes. That could be just me, but It has really helped me be okay. I hope it does for you too.
