A thing or two about something or other

I like MtG and worldbuilding. Art by Dan Scott, weed stuff by yahenni.tumblr.com my sideblogs: department-of-horology and department-of-exobiology

[smashfictionpodcast]

It's that time of year once again, listeners: time for the fifth annual Cage Match!

That's right, we have a collection of characters from across Nicolas Cage's filmography gathered together in the squared circle for a no-holds-barred fight to the finish. Will The Rock's Stanley Goodspeed avoid the flaming trolley car of defeat? Can Terence McDonagh of Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans put enough drugs into his system to alchemically transform himself into a winner? Can Sean Archer succeed where his Face/Off costar Castor Troy failed? And what the hell is Joe Majors from Between Worlds doing here anyway?

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/149-sean-archer-vs-stanley-goodspeed-vs-joe-majors-vs-terence-mcdonagh

[smashfictionpodcast]

In the year 2183, a discovery is made that will shake interstellar society to its core and change the face of the galaxy forever. With the fate of humanity itself hanging in the balance, what we need now more than ever... is a group of seemingly random fictional characters!

That's right, Surprise Party warps in for one last mission as we tackle the seminal sci-fi video game Mass Effect! Join us as characters from ThunderCats, Animorphs, Fire Emblem, and many other fictional properties load their M-8 Avengers, check the alignment on the Mako, and board the Normandy for a morally-charged galactic adventure! Which fictional character will Dan leave to die on Virmire? Which characters will Meganbob ship into having a steamy cutscene together? Can any of Kit's characters even use a gun? There's only one way to find out!

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/surprise-party-12-a-small-strike-team

[smashfictionpodcast]

Smash Fiction has always been about answering the oldest questions, and on this final episode of Smashtoberfest, we answer one of the oldest: Which Death is the best Death? It's a Death-Off, you might call it. Or maybe a Death Match. I don't know, maybe there's some other, more marketable term for this kind of thing that could conceivably become popular on a platform like YouTube.

Anyway, when the afterlife suddenly has an opening at the position of psychopomp, four fictional Deaths arrive to apply for the job. Death from Discworld writes out his application in all caps; Death from Sandman shows up for her interview in an outfit so outlandishly gothy that only she could possibly pull it off; Death from Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey is ready to show off a wide range of gaming skills; and nobody from Afterlife Resources is quite prepared when it's time to meet Joe Black. Which Death will successfully demonstrate their skill at transitioning souls to the next life and snag the gig with the biggest scythe (not to mention some sweet benefits)?

Sharon Schneiderman returns to help us find out in an episode that, with no adult supervision in sight, rapidly descends into ridiculous chaos, never to recover.

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/145-death-vs-death-vs-death-vs-joe-black-feat-sharon-schneiderman

[smashfictionpodcast]

Welcome back to Ship Wrecked, and do we have a show for you! It's an episode of firsts: not only does Miles join the cast, but so does our special guest Spike from the Phantom Heights podcast! And of course, because it's the time of year that we call Smashtoberfest, we try our hand at an extra-spooky episode of Ship Wrecked.

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/ship-wrecked-6-costumes-candy-and-carnage-feat-spike

[smashfictionpodcast]

When the nameless world of Dark Souls requires an undead hero to find the Kiln of the First Flame, it's clearly a job for Raziel, wielder of the Soul Reaver and longtime nemesis lover frenemy of the vampire Kain! The time-traveling savior of Nosgoth might have to take possession of a random corpse every time he gets killed by the notoriously bad-ass monsters of Dark Souls, but that's nothing when you've already arranged your own resurrection or whatever. Soul Reaver is a hell of a drug, y'all. What matters is, he's up to the task.

Unfortunately, Raziel isn't the only deathless abomination wandering these parts. Alucard, hero of Castlevania and winner of Spelling Your Dad's Name Backwards as an Act of Rebellion Magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year award three years running, is also here, and also eager to prove that he can conquer Dark Souls. Which gothic vampire boi will get the job done first and make their way to the Kiln, and the narratively impressive moral quandary that lies inside?

Liz Logan breaks out her signature opening argument moves, Claire has a complicated history with Soul Reaver, and Alucard moons everybody. Plus, a brand new Smashtoberfest intro from Miles and Sharon that is simultaneously a labor of love and DEEPLY stupid.

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/144-raziel-vs-alucard

[smashfictionpodcast]

It’s been many years and many iterations, but Ultron finally holds victory in his indestructible metallic grasp! So what if he had to travel to the Earth of a parallel universe to do so? He still managed to put all of that Earth’s heroes in a comatose state, and that counts as a win! …Well, except for the one hero he missed, a plant elemental calling himself Swamp Thing, who now stands as the last bulwark of defense between the Earth and mechanical doom. The stage is set for the ultimate clash between these two immortal foes and their vast armies.

Can the plant-based forces of DC’s verdant vegetation-based vigilante outgrow their android nemeses? Or will Marvel’s creepiest construct and his waves of robots finally tear up Swamp Thing by the roots? Hub from the fantastic podcast Titan Up the Defense joins us for this epic battle of plants vs. robots, and you should too!

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/142-swamp-thing-vs-ultron-feat-hub

[smashfictionpodcast]

It's that time again, naughty children: educational budget cut season! Two particular schools are up for inspection by the superintendent, and due to cost constraints, whichever school is deemed the lesser will see its headmistress sacked for incompetence. One of the headmistresses is Agatha Trunchbull, the massive Olympian and notorious child-thrower who was recently chased out of Crunchem Hall by the telekinetic five-year-old Matilda Wormwood. And the other is Dolores Umbridge, lately of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, from which she was removed after her gross abuses of power caused several prominent students, led by Harry Potter, to revolt against her. Both of them are absolutely horrible people with no business teaching children of any age or level of magical ability, but alas, the one that can best keep their students under control during the inspection will keep her job at her new school. (Or will they?)

Two former Smash Fiction champions, Natasha Winters and Marissa Bond, return to help us decide which evil teacher is better at tormenting children into temporary subservience, because we're all terrible and everybody here deserves to lose.

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/141-dolores-umbridge-vs-agatha-trunchbull-feat-natasha-winters-and-marissa-bond

[smashfictionpodcast]

Dan, Kit, and Claire have each caught and trained six fictional monsters (I mean, characters -- though at least three or four of them are also monsters) of varying types from across the multiverse, and are about to begin their greatest adventure yet!

But between the nefarious Squirtle Squad, a mysterious Pokémon in a mech suit, and the ever-present machinations of Team Rocket, it's a dangerous world out there for our trainers and their fictional companions. Which of them will become the very best, like no one ever waaaaaas? You gotta catch every minute of this episode to learn the answer! Podcast listener, we choose you!

[smashfictionpodcast]

The League are actively seeking information about Doom’s secret weapon, but reliable sources are few and far between. They learn that a bounty hunter in a swanky Cloud City casino may hold the secrets they’re after… but there are three potential hunters and not a lot of time. Can our heroes get in close to these killers-for-hire, or will they blow their cover?

Elphaba slips into something less comfortable; Archer is Randy; Lara places a long bet; Blasto finds a new fan; and Miss Piggy cuts a rug.

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/extraordinary-league-43-upping-the-ante

[smashfictionpodcast]

Claire, Miles and MeganBob are back in the lab, and joining them is Lawful and Orderly’s own Andrew Young! Andrew brought a rather unique side dish to this particular picnic, and as a result, crafting a workable story out of these random pop culture artifacts is perhaps more of a challenge this week than usual. But of course, the greater the challenge, the sweeter the taste of success! Can Andrew and the rest of the gang prevent this episode from eating itself to death, with a set of tools that includes a Marvel Comics antihero, an insane news anchor, and a controversially cast baby? Or will they discover that the real screenplay was the terrible recurring jokes they made along the way?

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/collaboratory-10-ouroboros-feat-andrew-young

[fatblunt69]

I don't use social media much anymore so I haven't been showing up in the Kit-Thanks, but I'm still listening to (almost) every episode (I'm behind on Extraordinary League). I still love you guys and the podcast so much, thank you for doing what you do <3

[smashfictionpodcast]

“Pray to the airwaves,” the oracle said, insisting that we must not do this match. “Smash Fiction will fall. All of podcasting will fall. Trust not in Patrons. Honor the gods. But not the gods of thinking. Just the gods of yelling.”

Well, to quote King Leonidas himself when faced with a similar situation, “an epic sneer that, could it be heard out loud, would definitely sound weirdly Scottish!” In other words, fuck wisdom and fuck the Carneia, we have to decide which idealized fictional version of the historic Spartans would win in an even fight, 300 on 300, at Thermopylae! Because while Leonidas may command a fighting force that includes both Faramir from Lord of the Rings and Magneto, before him stands a company of Daenerys Targaryen’s Unsullied, aligned in perfect lockstep and led by Grey Worm himself. In a battle of phalanx formations and fearlessness between the hyper-masculine and the no longer functionally male, only one army can survive, while the other dines in hell (a meal that presumably includes unborn puppies, honeyed dormice, and whatever other awful foods George R. R. Martin feels like spending a full page describing).

To be certain, we are but humble podcast hosts and know little of the ways of war. Which is why we picked out 300 experts in both fictional and non-fictional history to be our personal bodyguards while we *sarcastic cough* just stretch our brains a bit. Unfortunately, most of them died in training and only Race for the Iron Throne’s Steven Attewell was able to kill a child in front of its mother, but still, we’re pretty sure he’s enough. Can he help Miles finally take down both Zack Snyder and Frank Miller? Or will Liz Logan’s obsession with abs carry her, once again, to eternal glory?

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/134-the-300-vs-the-unsullied-feat-steven-attewell

[smashfictionpodcast]

“Doctor?” we can hear you ask. “Doctor who?” Which you’re asking either because you’re an insufferable nerd (like the rest of us), or because you legitimately don’t know. In which case, it is incumbent upon us to inform you that the Doctor is an alien Time Lord who flies haphazardly through time and space in a magic phone booth called the TARDIS, solving problems and saving people. And this week, we put those skills to the ultimate test, as the Doctor (the tenth Doctor, specifically – ask an insufferable Who nerd about his various incarnations sometime, they will have OPINIONS) must solve the ultimate problem: the adaptable, unstoppable cyborg hive mind known throughout the Star Trek universe as the Borg. Can the Doctor save a helpless colony of humans from assimilation at the hands of a bigger, badder, sexier version of the Daleks and the Cybermen? Or will he once again have cause for terrible, eternal regret?

To find out, the Smash Fiction collective has assimilated the biological and technological distinctiveness of game designer Jeff Stormer, of the Party of One, All My Fantasy Children, and Talking Nog podcasts (in our defense, he totally lowered his shields and surrendered his ships). Also, Miles repeatedly insults Montana in a bad British accent, MeganBob has many, many feelings about Star Trek characters, and the Lightning Round gets even weirder than usual, which, yes, that is apparently possible.

We are Smash Fiction. You will listen to this episode. Resistance is futile.

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/133-the-doctor-vs-the-borg-feat-jeff-stormer

[smashfictionpodcast]

For those of you who understand the title, yes, you read that correctly. For those who don’t…well, strap in, folks, because this week, we’re putting on our spandex, lacing up our boots, and oiling the living shit out of our upper bodies before heading straight through that curtain and out into the spotlight. Just in time for Wrestlemania 35, it’s a very special pro wrestling episode of Surprise Party!

To be fair, it’s two weeks after Wrestlemania 35, but honestly, that show was so long it might still be going. Fortunately, this episode is also ridiculously lengthy! But why? Could it be each host’s need to craft elaborate entrances for their characters? Could it be Dan’s and MeganBob’s valiant struggle to understand what in the blue hell is going on here? Or could it possibly be the fact that we’re joined this week by Lucas Brown of The Math of You Podcast, who could literally talk about wrestling forever if we let him?

Whatever the answer, know that this Andre the Giant-Sized episode contains magical puppetry, sultry Southern accents, improbable victories, heartwarming collectivism, telepathic calls to action, bunnies with swords, and at least one broken barbershop window. It’s a whole lot of fun. Really.

Also, we’re extremely sorry. Blame Miles.

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/surprise-party-8-showcase-of-the-immortals-feat-lucas-brown

[smashfictionpodcast]

Marvel vs. DC. The superhero known as Captain Marvel vs. the superhero who used be known as Captain Marvel. The boss of space vs. Magic Superman. Over a billion at the box office vs. unusually good reviews for a DCEU movie. Carol Danvers vs. Billy Batson. Let the unrelenting comic book bullshit commence.

Sarah Langan makes her Smash Fiction debut and immediately proves that she belongs right here with all the other dinguses, while Miles, Bob, and Dan basically just grunt and make frustrated noises at one another. Will one of the many, many times somebody says “Shazam” manage to transform this comic book clusterfuck into a decent episode? Or will our audience drown alongside us in an endless sea of semantics, speculation, specific issue numbers, spelling corrections, and salty pickles?

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/132-captain-marvel-vs-shazam-feat-sarah-langan

[smashfictionpodcast]

Ever wonder what makes the Neverending Story so, well, never-ending? Well, it’s largely because certain events just sort of keep happening over and over again, which explains why the unstoppable annihilating force called The Nothing has returned to creep across the land of Fantasia, erasing all in its path.

Last time, a brave hero was given a horse to go rescue the Childlike Empress and save the land from destruction, but that horse didn’t make it very far into the quest before it was lost and the hero had to go the rest of the way on foot. This time, the allies of the Empress are leaving nothing to chance, assigning four brave young warriors the task of saving their world… and giving them each a singularly amazing horse to see them through. But which horse will carry their rider to victory? Can Claire lead Agro to the glowing weak points in her opponents’ arguments? Will Dan’s increasingly specious claims about Shadowfax’s running speed leave his rivals in the dust? Can guest advocate Rafael Medina’s assertions prove as invincible as Epona herself? And will Meganbob ever get around to actually arguing for Maximus amidst her pitch for her bold new series, Horse Cop?

All this, plus the return of Kit’s recurring fun animal facts segments!

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/131-agro-vs-epona-vs-shadowfax-vs-maximus-feat-rafael-medina

[smashfictionpodcast]

The number of people who would willingly get into a direct fight with Godzilla can probably be counted on one hand… and they all happen to be in the Extraordinary League. Our heroes have gotten it into their heads that they can free the King of the Monsters from Phyrexian control, but doing so putting their very lives on the line, and some of them may not be coming out of this in one piece.

Nico tries out some new talents; Stitch has to dig deep; Luna plays healer; Dante hits his breaking point; and Mordin may never be the same.

Thanks as always to Family Jules for all of the battle music used in this episode! Check out more of his work at youtube.com/user/FamilyJules7X

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/extraordinary-league-37-rock-the-dinosaur

[smashfictionpodcast]

Sure, you may think you know the story of Mad Max: Fury Road, but you’ve never heard it told quite like this. Witness Claire take the lead on Surprise Party; witness Dan, Miles, and Meganbob craft their own war rigs full of fictional characters inspired by Apocalypse World; and witness a set of dumpuses uniquely un-suited to the challenges of the post-apocalyptic outback.

Which group will ride eternal, shiny and chrome, through the gates of Valhalla? Climb aboard and let’s find out!

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/surprise-party-6-fury-road-trip