welcome to my guilty pleasure blog!! my name is bea and I'm 30. mostly using this space to explore different themes and ideas related to writing and of course all things whump.
Favorite tropes: captivity whump, recovery fluff/comfort, found family, noncon whump (always tagged), emotional whump, protective caretaker, forced to watch, happy/hopeful endings (even if - especially? - it takes a hot minute to get there)
Original Posts:
my prompts
my polls
my drabbles
Original Stories:
Unmade
Vienna’s abduction by a sadistic serial predator, Alec, forces her to endure unimaginable suffering which she survives only through the memories of her loved ones, including boyfriend/best friend Zander. While Zander spirals in grief, he forms an unexpected bond with a case agent, which leads him to an encounter with Alec that results in his own capture. Reunited in captivity, Vienna and Zander face more horrors before finally escaping. The story shifts to their healing process, where love, family, and resilience help them reclaim their lives after the darkness.
(Main characters - Vienna, Zander, Alec, Miller)
The Last Flame
Set in the dystopian future state of Syndora. Rixton, a pilot in the resistance group the Forge, is captured by the oppressive Syndoran regime and tortured for years, haunted by the deaths of innocent people. When he is finally rescued, he returns to the Forge to find Asher, his former love, who had believed him dead and strove to move on. As Rixton and Asher both battle guilt and the broken trust between them, they must navigate the long road to healing in the midst of a still-burning revolution.
do you have any ideas for whumpee resolution arcs that don't involve killing whumper? or long legal battles?
yes absolutely!!
loved ones/found family - after the whump, Whumpee is taken in by their loved ones, or their rescuers/Caretaker, or a new team. While they can never erase what happened to Whumpee -- and they know Whumper is still out there -- being surrounded by the loving care and companionship starts to bring Whumpee out of their shell and back into the world. the healing is through connection and love
new life - after the whump, Whumpee is either forced to flee or chooses to go somewhere where they know absolutely no one. In this new place, they can be whoever and do whatever they want. Maybe there's a period of isolation at first, but Whumpee starts to try new things, talk to people they've never met, and make an entirely new life for themselves. the healing is through reinvention and reclaiming identity
mission-oriented - after the whump, Whumpee is driven by a new purpose. Maybe it's related to what they went through and making sure it doesn't happen to others, maybe it's simply because they came so close to death that they want to make every minute count. the healing is through action and dedication
mentor whumpee - after the whump, Whumpee meets someone who has gone through something similar, maybe even with the same Whumper. Helping this person/people reinvigorates Whumpee's passion for life and helps them heal themselves. the healing is through bonding and guiding someone, allowing them to see their trauma in a new light
revenge (with a twist!) - after the whump, Whumpee is hellbent on revenge. in the proces, however, they stumble across something new -- a person or a craft or a place. and in this new thing they begin to find fulfillment completely unrelated to Whumper, and while they may never forgive Whumper, their life starts to revolve around them less and less. the healing is through internal gratification and rediscovering something in themselves
just off the top of my head, would love for people to reblog with other examples, especially from their own OCs :)
Comfort is my favourite part of the whump! How about the caretaker talking the whumpee through their pain. Head in lap, soothing words and tender touches. The beautiful cliché fingers carding through their hair. Holding their hand, giving them something to cling to as they ride out the pain and keep themselves grounded. So good! ~ @beautifullywhumped
Beautiful. While I like seeing my faves getting bloodied and bruised, there’s nothing quite like the comfort that comes after, no matter how cliched it is.
Whumpee meeting someone of their own age who is in a very different stage of life than they are.
Someone well off, well put together.
And it makes them realize just how different their life could've been, had life just been a little kinder to them.
Ohh maybe for living weapon whumpee, where they never really interact with anyone their own age. Until that one person. And it makes them realize how unfair this is. Why do they get to have that life, while Whumpee needs to serve and suffer?
This isn't real, this isn't real, they're just trying to scare you. This isn't real. The words kept repeating themselves in Whumpee's mind, sounding less and less sure each time.
it’s been weeks since character b disappeared into the storm. At first, character a refused to believe they were gone. But day after day, search party after search party, and no sign of them. One day, they find character b’s backpack on the ground with blood beside it.
that’s the night character c sits character a down and tells them that character b is gone- there’s no way they’re out there. They need to move on. Character a yells at character c and then goes to character b’s room and lays down on their bed, crying until they fall asleep.
hours later, character c shakes character a awake. “They’re here!” Character c says. “…what?” Character an asks, rubbing their eyes.
expands on the calyx/leo relationship discussed in chapter 1! thus set a little before and in arc 1. i did try and make the timeline work (keeping in mind the retcons i made) but don't squint too hard at it
disclaimer: you do not have to read this if you're uninterested in romantic arcs or leo as a character etc, this is just a bit of fun for me to play with worldbuilding and write more arc 1 stuff !! yay :D
disclaimer 2: it's 9.6k (im so sorry)
cw: nightmares, body horror, covert whump, sleep deprivation, paranoia, hallucinations?, whumpee x caretaker, references to romance and sex (consensual)
---
The nightmare started off like usual. Not the exact same events, but the same pattern. Something mundane, something they'd done recently. Something that made it just that little more difficult to tell the difference.
This time, they were in the kitchen, washing dishes. They could hear faint chatter in the background, rushing water, their own heartbeat. The tension was there, taut as a noose. They’d become used to it in recent months, started to consider the idea that it was more like a leash.
It certainly was as if being pulled by a leash that they started walking. Shoulders up, eyes searching. Out the front door. If they dragged their feet, they felt a tug, or a push. Being pushed was worse, always. They hated it when the thing was behind them.
Down the street. The buildings seemed organic, somehow. Structures of blood and shadow stared down at them as if they were an intruder, as if they wanted to be here. They didn't. Like a lamb being led to slaughter, they had no choice. This was the easy part, but it wouldn't stay easy forever.
In the half-step between lifting a leg and putting it down, something snapped. The sensation was akin to that of being given their body back. Being given their wits, their full set of senses. And with that, like always, Calyx broke into a run.
They ran, lungs burning and legs aching, till they tripped, not on misaligned concrete or a weed in the cracks. They tripped over a tree root, gnarled and malevolent, right into a patch of thorns. But there was no time to rest, to clean themselves up, to pry the splinters out of their palms. They had no time.
Run, they told themselves. Run, or she'll catch you.
Scrambling to get up scratched their hands further. It seemed that brambles grew in front of their eyes, almost into their eyes, obfuscating vision and impinging willpower. Forcing their way through the hedges and into the next clearing hurt, but their heart beat a restless rhythm and their legs would not stay still. They knew that if they did not keep moving, the thorns would grow till they pierced their eyes and tore into their mouth, leaving them in agony, immobile, until they were ripped out of it all. And it wouldn't end there.
No, they had to keep going.
Droplets of blood emerged from the cuts on their hands, and they knew enough by now to try and suck up the traitorous things. Inevitably, some still fell, beads of red soaking into the forest floor. But they couldn't just stay licking their wounds. They had to keep moving.
If they looked down, their shoes would be soaked with blood and covered in dirt. The ground remembered what had transpired, and Calyx had the sense that they were not the first to be thrust into this game. They were just the latest, and they had learnt that it was always better to play along. She ended it quicker when they played along.
So they kept running, deeper into the forest. Noises in the peripheries sent terror straight to the heart, but they couldn't stop. They were so tired.
Stop, they begged.
Run, they insisted.
They didn't have to be told, not anymore. Their body begged for a break, and their mind knew it would never get one.
They did stop, eventually. They always did. The forest had no end, but the only thing that kept them going was the hope that they could find one. Futile, hopeless, stupid. They fell face first over a log so long dead that new trees had begun sprouting out of it. Something snapped tight around their leg, piercing all the way to bone. The game was over. They would only ever lose. So why play?
Because she liked to win.
Dizzy and panting, they squirmed to try to see the damage. The forest swirled around them as they lay helpless, hurting, on the floor, the canopy so perfectly impenetrable that not a single sunray came through. How could they still see?
Like in the abyss, things adapted. Mushrooms emitting faint light grew wild and sprawling, spores visible in the air. Glowing eyes looked at them, impassive. Yellows and blues, purple and red. Interest faded once they realised what Calyx was: someone else's prey.
"Hello, Calyx."
They heard her and couldn't see her, dislodging the leg in an attempt to find her. They cried out, pain shooting through their whole body.
"Please," they begged. What for? Did they want it not to be painful? They'd die begging.
Noises, around them. Claws and fur and wind being displaced. Their heart thudded in its bony confinement, their wounded leg pulsating in time. They always wished it would be over quicker.
Then - suddenly, she was in front of them, in plain view, like she'd simply apparated. They knew she was about to pounce, but she never did. The moment that green eyes met brown, Calyx jerked awake.
They woke up to the sensation of clothes clinging to a shaking body, sweat more abundant than could possibly be useful, the water loss only serving to make them cold and disorientated. They could swear that they saw cat eyes in the dark. No. Hands by their arms - they flinched. Jerked. Pushed the offenders. Yelled, but they pulled away too hard and had met no resistance, so they thudded onto the floor, landing awkwardly on their wrist. Something vestigial cradled it to their chest and rocked slightly, soothing.
"Holy shit. Calyx, are you okay?"
The lights flicked on.
Oh. It was Tom. Just their Tommy. No cat. No forest. No brambles, no traps, no need to run.
Are you sure about that?
Calyx thought for a moment, eyes fixed on Tom. Terror still gripped their chest, and they stayed motionless on the floor. They could still feel the scratches on their limbs, and slowly reached down to touch their leg. Just to check. They met soft pyjama trousers, and under it, painless skin. Safe, safe, safe. The mantra repeated. Slowly, it began to take root.
The uneven light and elongated shadows gave the impression that Tom was supernaturally tall. They could cry from how unsettling it all was. Then he crouched down and they remembered that it was impossible to be afraid in his arms. Afraid for him, yes. But not of him.
Blood rushed in their ears, muffling the sounds of him coaxing them back to bed. Silently dissociating, they curled up against his chest, close enough to hear the heartbeat. Slow, steady, warm. They were the most dangerous thing he had in his life, the most volatile and unpredictable. How unfair of them to take his kindness. They would die, be maimed, endure eternity alone — if it meant that he didn't have to.
If they knew one reason to keep running, that was it. If she was busy chasing them, she wouldn't try to get him too.
-
Calyx's day could not be going worse.
A nightmare had pulled them awake, so unsettling in its intensity and specificity that they didn't even attempt to try and go back to sleep. The shower they'd taken to try and shake off the bad feeling turned frigid cold halfway through as their hot water broke again. While making breakfast, an email came through about rent increases and they completely forgot about the muffins they'd put in the oven till the smoke alarm started screeching out a reminder.
A short frustrated meltdown later, Tom suggested they go for a walk. In truth, all they wanted to do was sit and sulk in bed all day, but they couldn't say no to him. And they thought it was a good idea to get some fresh air (away from the burnt smell in the flat) and clear their head.
But it seemed that they were cursed today. They'd worn a dress - one of the only dresses they'd saved from home - because it was the height of summer, and when they looked outside, it looked like it. Dressing up usually made them feel better, and the novelty of being Tom's partner in public had not worn off, even after a year. It was usually nice to make a little bit of effort and enjoy the sun when they could.
Reasons be damned, the walk was supposed to make them feel better. For the most part, it did, but disaster struck at the point where they were debating whether to go further or turn around. Clouds had started drifting into view as they walked, but they'd held a stupid optimism that the result of those would just be some shade and a rainbow. Till they heard thunder, and till they saw lightning. About two minutes later, the pair found themselves stuck in a downpour.
Calyx wanted to give up on life, right there on the pavement.
Tom swore under his breath, putting his arms above his head in a gesture that Calyx just wanted to laugh at. What was the point? They didn't bother.
"Look, hey, let's -" Tom gave up trying to speak over the rain and just signalled to a small service station. They followed miserably, imagining with the way that their day was going, that they’d find some kind of active crime scene or other terrible thing once they got closer. Maybe their parents would be there. They almost stopped walking. Almost.
When they’d closed the distance, the rain was torrential and the thunder deafening, but at first glance, there was no obviously awful thing under the shelter. A few cars were parked in the vicinity, but one stood out. Electric blue and clearly new, it caught Calyx's eye immediately. But they couldn't muster up the enthusiasm to say anything about it.
Tom sighed, leaning against the outside wall of the adjoining shop. He ran a hand through his hair, wincing when he realised that both were wet and the normally grounding sensation was ruined. Calyx wanted to laugh about it, would’ve laughed about it, had it been any other day. Now, they just frowned at him, wordlessly conveying their sense of upset. Their eyes stung with unshed tears borne out of pure frustration, a cosmic hopelessness filling their mind.
“I'm sorry,” he said, completely genuine. “It’s my fault, I should've checked the forecast.”
They should've expected that, but it disarmed them anyway. “It's not,” they said. “It’s fine. I could’ve checked too.”
Tom gave them a small smile. “Yeah, but I'm still sorry. Do you want anything?” He pointed with a thumb at the shop.
Calyx considered it silently, but just as they were going to say something, a shiver raced through their whole body. They felt like they were being watched, or laughed at. The sense of paranoia came and went, but it was getting more constant nowadays.
“You okay?”
“I'm cold.” Their voice came out whiny, and they laughed self-consciously, but Tom didn't mind.
“I know,” he commiserated. “It might be warmer inside?”
Calyx doubted it but shrugged. It wasn't warmer, but at least the rain wasn't so loud.
Tom spun in a half-circle to survey the shop. There were a couple other people inside, none who, at a cursory glance, looked as wet as they were. “Snacks?”
“I'm not hungry.”
He sighed, rubbing his temple. “Okay. I'll get us some stuff. Do you think they'll have an umbrella?”
“They never do.” Calyx sighed, regretting their terseness. “Sorry. I’m just annoyed. I’ll sit outside.”
“Please don’t,” Tom said, pouting slightly. “You’ll catch a cold.”
Calyx bit their lip, hovering in the doorway. “You’re too nice to me.”
He nudged their shoulder before heading off down one of the aisles. “You’re my best friend.”
They followed him eventually, feeling miserable standing by the cool glass of the door and listening to the rain. They’d started shivering and wrapped their arms around themselves - partially out of a desire to keep warm but mostly out of a simple humiliation. It was embarrassing to be so underdressed and unprepared. When they’d paid for drinks and the last umbrella in stock, the two of them stood by the door, frozen by indecision. The rain hadn’t stopped or slowed at all. Calyx was prepared to just brave it when lightning flashed in front of their eyes, almost immediately followed by a crash of thunder.
“Shit,” Tom said. “I guess we could call Ada…”
Calyx shook their head. “She’s gone over to Mira’s house today.”
Tom grimaced. “I forgot. Um.”
“Uber?” They took out their phone before Tom replied, because there really was nothing for it. He didn’t carry a phone when they went out together, preferring just a camera. They loved him for it, envied his detachment sometimes. After manoeuvring around to find a signal, which was already downright impossible, they realised that their battery only had 20% left. Worrying, but enough for what they needed.
So they thought. Maybe the water damaged it after all, or maybe Calyx’s busted phone was finally giving out. It was 20, 16, then 0. The phone died before they’d even finished typing in their location, leaving them with a useless bar of glass and metal.
They stared at it for a few seconds, almost threw it out of sheer frustration. Instead, they just swore loudly and thrust it in Tom’s direction at the last second. They were a second away from storming outside in search of a wall to kick when a voice behind them piped up.
“Hey!” It said, sounding good-natured. “Do you guys need a lift?”
Calyx turned around to be face to face with a boy they didn’t recognise. He looked young, around their age or a little older, and well-dressed. His nails were painted blue, the same colour as the car outside. Huh. Weird. Most notably, his clothes were dry. Not a splash of water anywhere except his shoes.
“Do I know you?” Calyx asked, uncharacteristically blunt. A few things flashed through them: suspicion, disgust, embarrassment. They didn’t recognise themselves, sometimes. Especially recently, what with -
The boy interrupted their thought, shaking his head. “No, I wouldn't think so. I just overheard - a few things, and my car's outside. I don't mind giving you guys a lift.”
Tom spoke. “Wait, are you serious? You don't even know where we live.”
The boy nodded, as if considering the fact. “Yes, but if you’re here without a car then you walked here, and if you walked then it can't be far. The forecast said it might rain for an hour. I've got nowhere to be and nobody else in the car. So if you're okay with it, I'm happy. I’m Leo, by the way.”
A pause, then,
“Dude, thank you so much -”
“We're fine,” Calyx said, overlapping with Tom. They winced, not liking the impression they must be leaving on this stranger. Get a grip, Calyx.
Both boys were looking at them with twin expressions of surprise. “Cee,” Tom began, but they'd already relented. It was stupid to die on this hill.
“Fine,” they said. Calyx clenched their jaw and gestured to their useless phone, still in Tom’s hand. “I can't transfer anything right now, but I can give you my number so you can send your details -”
Leo interjected. “No, no, don't worry about it at all.”
“Calyx will never let that slide,” Tom said quietly.
They nudged him, not gently. “Neither would you,” they hissed. It frustrated them that they felt like the odd one out.
Leo laughed. “Okay, tell you what. I'm new in this area, so tell me your favourite place to eat and it's even.”
Tom only agreed to spite them. They knew, and glared at him the whole way to the car. Which, when they realised was the car, the bright blue one, they couldn’t contain their smile. They felt like they were faking being annoyed - for what? What could possibly be the point of that?
“That's your car?” Tom asked, incredulous.
Leo, for the first time, seemed bashful. “Yeah. Gift from my parents.”
“Wow,” Calyx said, without the enthusiasm they should've had. “They must be nice.”
“They're amazing,” Leo replied, completely genuine.
“Hm.”
“Calyx doesn't speak to their parents anymore,” they heard Tom whisper. Anger flushed their system. Was that his secret to give? …Was it a secret? Why were they so angry?
They sat in the back, laying down tissues so their wet dress wouldn't ruin the seats, even though Leo said that he'd been putting off getting it cleaned for ‘ages.’ Despite this, it still smelt almost new, or at least fresh. Like vanilla, or orange blossom.
Fuck, Calyx wished that they could hate this guy. But so far, the only real thing that he'd done to deserve their ire was… be friendly with Tom. Which should've been a thing that they were excited about. Tom barely ever spoke to strangers, and hardly ever got on with them. So it was nice, but still. As they started moving off and the boys started to fill the air with chatter, Calyx began to feel more and more out of place. And cold. And unwell. As if on cue, they sneezed, hiding it in their elbow out of habit.
Leo laughed, half-turning to look at them in surprise. “Aw, you sneeze like a kitten!”
Calyx frowned. “No, I don’t.”
“I agree with Leo.” Calyx could hear the smile in Tom’s voice, and narrowly restrained themselves from kicking the back of his seat. It was too nice of a car to do that kind of thing.
Leo laughed. “Are you guys cold? It shouldn't take long to get to your place, but I can turn the heating up.”
“‘M fine,” Calyx grumbled, crossing their arms and vowing silence for the rest of the trip. Leo put the heating up anyway, which made them feel awful.
The rest of the journey passed without issue. Final thanks and goodbyes were exchanged, then Tom and Calyx watched Leo drive away.
On the way up, the two of them were silent, existing in each other’s company. Their tiredness was becoming more and more apparent. Then Tom said, with a kind of quiet awe, “can you believe we’re never going to see that guy again?”
Calyx leaned their head on Tom’s arm. “I know. I liked his car,” they murmured. “Was he a little bit like an angel?”
Tom laughed, shifting to hold them in a hug. “Maybe. I knew you’d say that. C’mon. You’re going to get ill.”
Exhausted, Calyx let themselves be taken care of. When they awoke from more nightmares, Tom was still there, steady, perfect. They didn’t think they could ever need anything else.
-
It was some time later before the topic of Leo was brought up again. Elene, Ada’s sister, had come over for a board game and some tea. It was entirely coincidental, too. She’d been talking about new foster kittens she’d started to take care of. It was funny to imagine her, prim and proper as she was, running around with two young kittens.
“They’re genuinely adorable. I’m thinking about adopting them. My friend - he fosters all the time but he had to take on some rescues and didn’t have space for these, but they’re already so well behaved, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the whole thing. I prepared for the worst, but they’re absolute angels, really.”
“Do you have pictures?” Calyx asked, already smitten.
Elene thought about it, then nodded. “Yes, but only the ones that my friend sent me. I’m not really in the habit of taking any myself.”
So that was how Calyx saw Leo a second time. First, a picture with the same bright blue nails. Then the next was a video, and Calyx met Tom’s eyes across the room to see if he recognised the voice too. And the last picture was of one kitten that had draped over his shoulders, batting at an earring.
“Woah.”
“Aren’t they amazing?”
Calyx had forgotten they were supposed to be looking at the kittens. “Oh, yes! Just - that’s your friend?”
“Leo? Yes, he’s a friend from back home. Sort of the only friend I still have from back home.”
“For good reason,” Ada said from across the room, a clear edge in her voice.
Calyx looked over, surprised that she’d even been listening. Ada took out her earphones, met their gaze and did not elaborate.
“Okay,” they said quietly. Ada was a closed book sometimes. “He’s the same person who dropped us off in that thunderstorm.”
Elene smiled weakly, looking like she was grateful for the distraction from whatever her sister had hinted at. “He’s done me a lot of favours too. It feels like he always knows what you need, even if you don’t know yourself.”
Ada rolled her eyes. Calyx tilted their head at her. “I thought you liked him?”
“I do. I just think he’s a regular nice person. Decent. He’s not magical.”
“He’s a knight,” Elene retorted.
“A non-magical knight. Not that that matters.” Ada addressed the last part to Calyx. “Well, I just mean, like. He doesn’t know things, he’s just a sweet guy. Perceptive. If anything, that’s better than when people just use spells on you without asking.”
She threw Elene another look. Calyx bit their lip, curious but unwilling to ask about - anything. Tom was the one to cut the awkward atmosphere.
“It’s crazy that you know him, El. I was just thinking that it’s a shame we wouldn’t meet again.”
Elene . “You know, he sent a garden party invite a little while ago. I wasn’t planning on going at all, but you could be my plus one if you want to meet him - and the cats.”
“How come you didn’t invite me?” Calyx couldn’t figure out whether Ada was actually offended or not.
Elene fixed her sister with a look. “You’ve never shown any interest in parties that I go to.”
“I like Leo! I honestly liked him more than you for a long time.”
Elene raised an eyebrow. “Ouch,” she said blankly, before shrugging. “You all could come, honestly. He’s really flexible. I can let him know.”
“I couldn’t,” Calyx said weakly. Then, without any other intervention, they acquiesced. They were very curious about Leo, and a free invite to a garden party sounded far too good to pass up. They sighed. “Is there a dress code?”
-
Moving car. Calyx was in a moving car - what? Why? They woke up, slowly, because they were aware of Tom by their side. It calmed them in a way that words could not explain.
"Wh're we going?" They mumbled, sleepily. When had they fallen asleep? What had they doing before this?
Tom clicked his tongue, and the sound made them frown. He never did that.
"You don't remember?"
They didn't. Then, like the memory had been placed into their mind, they did. Panic seized them immediately. Moving car. They had to stop. They had to get out, they had to run. From Tom?
"Don't bother, Cee." They were trying the door - locked. They moved slowly despite the panic; their limbs felt trapped, as if they were stuck in molasses or covered in pins. It was hard to manoeuvre, painful to simply exist in their own body.
He scoffed. "I can't believe you care about me this little. You agreed to this."
Calyx heard themselves make a strangled, horrified sound, and slowly withdrew their hand from the handle. They had agreed. Deliverance of themselves in exchange for everyone's safety.
"She's going to kill you," they whispered.
"If you don't give yourself up."
Their head hurt. "I'm giving myself up?"
Ada spoke from the driver's seat with a cruelty that they had never even imagined her capable of. "You don't have a choice."
Then Calyx woke up again, all flailing limbs and panicked breathing. Still in the car. No, no, no, this couldn't be happening -
"Tom," they begged, turning to face him, "I'm sorry, I can't do it -" They broke off as they became slowly aware of the car slowing down and confused chirping from Elene in the front.
"Hey, hey. Slow down, starling. Just breathe. I'm here."
Calyx's lip wobbled. They leaned forward, slowly but certainly falling into a hug. Shaking, still feeling the panic and terror heating their cheeks and tightening their chest, they stayed there, face buried in his shirt, till they had their thoughts in order.
"Cee? Are you okay?" He was alternating between petting their hair and rubbing circles on their back.
"I think so," they mumbled. "Don’t know what happened."
“Hell of a time to have a nightmare,” he whispered. “You still okay to go to Leo’s?”
Right. Calyx came back to themselves. They nodded, forcing a little cough. “Yeah, yes. Sorry. I don’t know what happened.” This was a lie, of course. The nightmares had been getting worse. It was exhausting almost to the point of complete mental collapse: how were they supposed to live normally with paranoia when they were awake, and terror when they were asleep. And it wasn’t as simple as trying not to sleep - they didn’t even remember closing their eyes this time. The journey to Leo’s house was supposed to be a little under an hour, and they’d lost half of it.
“Sorry,” Tom whispered when they started moving again. “I didn’t want to wake you. You’ve been sleeping so badly recently.”
The comment made them feel taken care of, but so small. “I’m sorry. I - I think I’m stressed about - like, uni and stuff.”
Tom squeezed their hand. “Maybe when you start, it’ll feel less scary. But it’s good that we’re getting out. Hopefully it’ll be a nice distraction.”
“Hopefully,” they murmured.
They wondered, if ever, when they would tell him the truth. They’d been waiting for this to just go away, had been dismissing half of it as simple hallucination. But the nightmares, the sleep paralysis, the paranoia… fear was an ever-present companion now. Distraction was all they could hope for.
-
Leo’s car was parked outside of his house when they arrived, which truly was the only reason why they even thought they were outside of the right place. Elene’s house was nice, but this was unreal. A lot bigger than they’d expected, with a winding path surrounded on both sides by bushes of hydrangea and peony. Vine grew up and around the entrance, covering white marble pillars with a warmly-lit porch and matching conservatory to the side.
Elene stepped out first, stretching after the drive. Ada had declined her invitation after all, so Tom and Calyx got out next - with twin expressions of awe at the setting.
“This is his house?” Calyx breathed. “It’s not, like, an uncle’s or something?”
“Well, it was,” Elene said pragmatically. “He inherited it after an aunt passed away. He’s had it for a couple years, I think, but fixed it up recently.”
She seemed completely at ease, fitting right in to the environment with her dress and silver jewellery. Calyx wore a pink silk shirt and Tom, a matching blazer. Excitement bubbled up, more intense now that they were actually here.
“He’s done a really good job.”
Elene nudged them lightly. “Tell him.” She nodded in the direction of a side door, and Calyx flushed when they saw Leo smiling out at them. It suddenly felt like a bad idea, like a grotesquely obvious masquerade. They walked forward anyway, remembering the awful first impression they’d landed on him. If he remembered, or held any grudge, he didn’t show it, waving them over. He hugged Elene, then Calyx and Tom after a moment’s hesitation. It was as if they were old friends. 1
“Hi,” they said shyly. “You have a really nice house.”
He beamed. “Thank you! Come through here, party’s in the garden. The house is open but the main event is out here.” Then he broke off, letting the setting do the talking. Which it did, beautifully.
Bunting was hung between trees around the border of the garden, and small white tables rose from the ground with plates of fruit and snacks atop them. Garden furniture was dotted around the patio, with a few large umbrellas further into the garden providing shade for picnic blankets. There were already a few people around, but not too many to feel overwhelming. Leo had disappeared from their side but reappeared once they’d finished taking in the view, with a basket of flowers and a few flower crowns on his arm.
“Want one?”
Calyx couldn’t help their grin, noting the matching flower tucked into the top pocket of his shirt. After a moment’s thought, they took a flower crown and placed it on Tom’s head. The three of them laughed, then Tom took a flower from the basket and tucked it behind their ear.
“You guys are so cute. Here, let me introduce you - or, Elene, did you want to?”
Elene hummed, looking a little nervous now, which was both unusual and unsettling. “I don’t mind if you did. It’s your party, plus I haven’t… really spoken to most people from school in a while.”
Leo did a double take. “Yes, of course. I can introduce all of you. Ada didn’t want to come?”
“She said she was going to, but I knew she wouldn’t. It’s not really her scene,” Elene explained.
“Ah,” Leo chirped. “Makes sense. Tell her I hope she’s doing well.”
Elene seemed to glow. “I will. Also, can I ask - is that Niamh? I haven’t seen them in years.”
And like that, things were underway. Calyx stayed attached to Tom for a while, sensing a discomfort emanating from him at the new setting and new people. They’d been surprised when he’d even expressed interest in coming, but they were sure he had his reasons.
At some point, he vanished with a quiet excuse of wanting to see the fosters. They felt more than a little guilty that they let out a breath when that happened. Then, just over an hour and a half after they’d arrived, he reappeared, giving them a look that said he’d like to leave. They finished their conversation and moved to a quiet area of the garden.
“You sure? How were the kittens?”
“They were nice. Very friendly. But…” Tom made a face, hesitating.
“Not your scene?” They echoed Ada’s sentiment on purpose.
He nodded, lips set in a grim line. He’d lost the crown, and looked a little like a wilting flower himself.
“My star,” they said quietly, reaching up to cup his cheek. “Okay. I can call you an Uber?”
He shook his head. “I - Elene said she’s also thinking about leaving.”
Calyx paused, breaking eye contact to search for her. They frowned slightly. Tom had gone to Elene first? And - how would they get home if the two of them left? They found her, speaking to Leo and a few other people they’d forgotten the names of. A Lucille, they thought. Maybe. She had pink hair.
“I think I want to stay.”
“Oh.”
Oh, indeed.
-
The solution was simple, really. Elene and Tom got to go home, and Calyx waited till they left to show their bemused smile at the thought of the two of them in a car together. Very likely, they’d find no issue at all with the quiet. Tom had his headphones, and Elene liked silence when she was overwhelmed. Calyx would get a taxi home when they wanted to.
The rest of the evening passed pleasantly. Calyx met a few medical students, a few artists and musicians. They kept finding themselves absently searching for Leo, drifting towards him whenever they were between conversations. When the sky dimmed enough, tiny hidden lights lit up the bunting and the trees, and the now empty plates of food were replaced with lamps.
Their hair fell out of its bun at one point, and they lost their hair tie. Leo must have seen them squinting for it in the grass, unwilling to properly crouch down to look.
“Here,” he said, untying a ribbon that had been around his wrist. “Do you want to use this?”
They blinked in surprise. “Um. Are you sure?”
“Yeah, of course. I could do it for you, if you’d like.”
Calyx felt their mind stutter over the offer. Why? It was completely innocuous. No more than the hug he’d given them when they got here.
Still, when they turned to let him gather their hair up, a shiver rushed down their spine. His touch was light, and he tied the ribbon with deft fingers.
“There,” he said quietly, pulling forward a loose lock of hair. “You look lovely, by the way.”
Calyx blushed. “Thank you. So do you. And thank you for - you know.”
“My pleasure.” And then he kissed their hand, in so fluid and practiced a motion that it was impossible to read into other than simple courtesy. Still, Calyx didn’t stop blushing for at least a half-hour.
A little while later, people had started filtering out. The taxi had been called. Calyx sat down by the house, looking out into the garden. With dark, came fear. They saw eyes in the shadows, felt claws at their back. Something brushed their leg and they yelped, then realised that it was one of the real kittens. Or hoped.
Leo came into their view as they were looking down at it, trying to figure out if it was real. After the initial brush, it seemed uninterested in them, but they kept their eyes on it out of a simple sense of self-preservation.
“You’ve met Princess,” he said good-naturedly. He sat across from them.
“She’s real?” It came out without thinking. They were more tired than they realised.
Leo gave them a small confused smile. “Yeah, she’s real. Do you normally hallucinate cats?”
God, you have no idea. “Sometimes,” they said, shrugging. “Not an awful existence.” Calyx thought they might throw up. It was bad. It was so bad. They wanted it to stop.
He laughed. “No, I guess it’s not the worst kind of hallucination.”
Calyx felt horrible lying about it. Or maybe it was all the orange juice. He’d offered other drinks, but they didn’t want to try anything alcoholic in the vicinity of so many unknowns, especially after the decision was made for them to go home alone. They had secrets that they didn’t want to spill.
“I -” Leo cut himself off, prompting them to look up to see why. When he met their eyes, he touched his neck in an unmistakably nervous gesture. “Sorry. I just wanted to say - sorry for, uh, the kiss earlier. I should’ve asked.”
“Oh.” Calyx hadn’t forgotten about it. They just hadn’t imagined that it would ever be brought up again. “No, um. It was nice. I didn’t mind it.”
Leo smiled, then opened and closed his mouth, clearly hesitant about something. Eventually, he asked, “did you like the party?”
Calyx nodded in the sure affirmative. They were almost certain that wasn’t what he had wanted to say, but they let it go. “Yes, it was amazing. Thank you so much for inviting me. Do you host these often?”
Leo hummed. “It’s fun to meet new people. And it gives people something to look forward to. Not everyone can host, so I don’t mind it. Now that I’ve graduated, I’m just trying to figure out my - social niche, for want of a better phrase.”
“You graduated? Elene mentioned you were a knight. Does that mean I have to call you Sir Leo?” It was said half-teasing, but something twinged inside them. Maybe they did. Maybe it was disrespectful not to.
“Absolutely not,” he said, laughing. “No, some people are pedantic about it, but I never did it for the title. I basically did this double programme because I’d been going to knight camp for years before I turned 18 so they said I could keep doing my training and get a regular degree at the same time. So I graduated a year later than if I’d just done one course, but with both.”
“Wow, that’s - really cool. I had no idea you could even do that. What’s your degree?”
“Elvish literature with theology.”
“Really? Huh, I - that suits you. I never would’ve guessed that, but - I can imagine it.”
He smiled, nodding. “All those musty libraries.”
“I -” Calyx laughed. “I meant more - it sounds clever. And like a lot of work.”
“Thank you,” he said quietly. “That’s very kind.”
They fidgeted with one of their bracelets, not sure whether they should say what they wanted to. “I, um, wanted to apologise.”
“Oh? What for?”
“I feel like we got off on a bad foot because I was like, unreasonably mad about the rain. So, I’m sorry. And thank you for letting me come to this. It was really nice. Feel free to come round to ours anytime.”
Leo smiled at them, started to speak and was interrupted by Princess jumping into his lap. “Calyx, seriously, don’t worry about it. It made complete sense then, and it’s fine now. I don’t know how I’d feel if I got rained on like that. Did you dry up okay?”
“Yeah. I just - yeah. And I’d already been having such a bad day, so the rain was just the nail in the coffin. I almost didn’t get in your car - which, by the way, is literally gorgeous - because I was convinced that me getting in it would mean you’d get a flat tyre or something, and if you’ve ever driven on a flat tyre, it’s so bad, like it’s - I’m rambling. Fuck. Sorry.”
But Leo was smiling, then laughed a little when they cut themselves off. “No, it’s fine. I’m sorry you were having a bad day. Was it the hallucinations?”
Calyx couldn’t help but think he was incredibly, perhaps dangerously, perceptive. They had the idea that he didn’t forget anything. “Um, kinda. Mostly, I had a really bad nightmare. It’s this recurring one, I have a few of them, but this one is the worst.”
He winced. “Ouch. What happens in it?”
They studied him for a moment, trying to figure out if he was genuinely asking. Not noting any obvious unconcern, they continued hesitatingly. Was it so bad of an offence if they told someone who was still effectively a stranger?
“I'm always running away from this - thing. It always catches me. I always fall somehow, or trip, so I can't outrun it. And I wake up just before it, I don't know, eats me, but it’s still really stressful. I think the running is the stressful part.”
“Maybe you're running away from something in your life. Are you ignoring anything?”
Calyx looked at him, caught off-guard by the seriousness in his tone. The answer had come so quickly that it took them a moment to process the fact that they’d even said anything worthy of it. Then they looked back down, focusing on their own hands.
“Maybe,” they said quietly. In the back of their mind, they felt something collapse. A correlation was becoming apparent to them. They knew how much they could say, what was safe to imply, and what wasn’t. Calyx squirmed, dreading the night. In an effort to cover the truth, they diverted. “I guess in a literal sense I’m always running away from my parents.”
“Oh?”
Misery descending upon them just from thinking about it. Was their past going to haunt them forever? “They disowned me. About a year ago.” They scuffed their shoe on the floor, grateful that the other people still around were out of earshot.
“Shit, Calyx. That’s awful. Tom mentioned it, but I didn’t know it was like that. You’re so young,” he said quietly.
“It’s fine. It was worse living with them. I think.”
“Have you ever tried to defend yourself? In the dream.”
The response came out automatically. “No? That won't work.”
“How do you know? Try it. It might help. I tried lucid dreaming for a while to get rid of a similar nightmare series. I never properly got the hang of it but it helped then, and now if I need to escape something, I can usually just do it. Or at least find a knife.”
Calyx thought about it. It seemed like far too simple of a solution, but they supposed it was worth a try. If it didn’t make everything a lot worse. “I’ll think about it.”
Leo nodded, sitting back in his garden chair. “I hope it helps you. Sleep is so important.”
“Yeah, I know,” they muttered, not unkindly. They sighed, trying to shift the conversation. “What about your parents?”
He looked bashful suddenly, twisting his ring around his finger. They’d noticed it earlier in the afternoon. It looked like it had an engraving on it, but they hadn’t been able to see what it was. “Um. They’re - they’re good. I technically have five.”
“What?” It shocked them out of their stupor.
“Yeah, they - my mum and dad divorced when I was little, and both of them found new partners while I was sort of growing up. And then a couple years ago, my mum and my step-mum started dating this other lady, who’s super nice and never tried to be like - anything more than a kind of aunt, I guess, but she is technically a parent. Like, legally. I think? Does it count? Four parents doesn’t really sound less crazy than five, I think. I’m. Going to shut up now.”
He bit his lip, and in the overflowing light of his kitchen, they swore he blushed.
“That’s really sweet,” they said, enamoured by the story and his reaction. “It’s nice to know that um, nice parents exist.”
He seemed a little winded, but nodded. A movement further away caught his eye, and when he waved goodbye to someone, and Calyx took the chance to check the status of their taxi.
“Sorry that I’m still here, by the way. I would’ve called it earlier if I knew it’d take this long.”
Leo waved a hand. “It’s completely fine. I’d be fine with you staying the night too, if you needed to. Or if you wanted to. Um. It can be tricky getting here if you’ve never been before. Besides, you make nice company.”
“I do?” It was strangely forward, and they felt a little shy. “Thank you. You too.”
“We haven’t spoken, like, one-on-one this whole afternoon, have we? I’d - I think I’d like to do it again, if you’re open to that.”
“Oh. You’re not my type.” It slipped out before they could even think about it. Their eyes widened just as Leo’s narrowed.
“Cool,” he replied softly, before they could collect themselves enough to correct it.
“No, wait, I didn’t mean - not that you’re not great, cause you are - really nice, but just for me, I -” Calyx had the horrible sense of digging themselves into a deeper and deeper hole. “And I’m sure you’re lots of people’s types, if you wanted that, like, you’re funny, and very sweet, and - um, fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that at all.”
Leo was looking at them with an unreadable expression. Disdain, maybe? Derision?
“Not that I’d even be your type, I’m not assuming that, I just - I don’t know why I said it,”
He interjected, leaning forward to touch the arm of their chair. They almost flinched, instantly imagining the worst. But his voice came out gentle, not a hint of anger in it. “Hey, it’s fine. You’re allowed to say no to people, Calyx.” Then, after hesitating, “I’ve been rejected before. It’s no big deal.”
They were poised to continue apologising regardless, still burning hot with embarrassment. He might have been rejected before, but they’d never rejected anyone. It was a completely new batch of emotions to parse through. He had a crazy effect on them, they realised. They felt genuinely crazy. Especially now that they were thinking about all the ways that Leo was their type.
“We could - I think - I mean, I don’t know why I even assumed that it would be a date, but if you wanted to hang out, like, as friends, I - I think that could be nice. If you wanted.” And if you never want to see me again, that’s fine too.
But instead, Leo nodded. “I think so too. How about next Thursday at 6?”
A week to prepare. Calyx knew they shouldn’t say yes. They were almost certainly dealing with some kind of primordial curse, and Leo was so nice. He was so happy and untethered. It was selfish to say yes.
But he kept giving them chances, for some bizarre reason. And they wanted to know everything about him. About his dead aunt, his signet ring, the names of his cats, what a knighthood was like, what Elvish literature and theology entailed. They could meet once, right? One more was fine. It’d be rude to say no.
-
“So you have a date.” Tom practically announced it, immediately jumping to conclusions.
Calyx groaned, dropping their head into their hands. It was far too late to be doing this. They hadn’t planned on talking about it all as soon as they got home, but Ada had been doing Tom’s nails while they watched a movie and Calyx wanted to let them know that they had also been having a great time. But they regretted it now.
“No, no. It is not a date. We’re just going to hang out. And talk. As friends.”
“Where?” Ada was uncharacteristically interested in this whole thing. She’d shown next to no interest for the entirety of the debrief but perked up when they started talking about Leo.
“Does it matter where?”
“Yes!” Both friends said at the same time.
“Have you told him you got home?” Being the full focus of Ada’s attention was unsettling.
“No. That’d be weird. He -”
“Did he tell you to stay safe?”
“Yes, but -”
“Then he wants to know!”
Tom nodded sagely, agreeing with Ada. “You should text him.”
Calyx could barely get a word in edgeways. “I - okay, okay, I’ll tell him. But it’s not a date. Like, explicitly so.”
Ada almost sounded affronted. “Why?” They’d never known her to take such an interest in any of their relationships, let alone their prospective love life.
Calyx almost didn’t answer. “…Cause I said I - I didn’t think he was my type.”
“Well, that’s not true,” Tom said matter-of-factly. “And I’d say I’m probably the expert in that.”
They already felt bad, and when they got a heart reply and picture of Princess sleeping in response to their text within 30 seconds of sending it, they felt so much worse. They switched their phone off, rubbing their eyes.
“Can we not do this now? I’m tired. I think I talked too much. And there were these little brownies that I just kept trying, and - I can’t think. I’m going to bed.”
“Okay,” Ada said, a little sing-song. She continued talking even as they got up to use the bathroom. “But you have to tell him you want to have a real date after your fake date.”
They’d already started undoing the buttons of their shirt but opened the door to a little more than ajar to reply to her, decisively. “I’m not doing that. And it’s not a date!”
The paranoia that always found them when face-to-face with their reflection in the mirror blew away for a few blissful moments as they heard their friends laugh. Insufferable as they were when they teamed up like this, Calyx couldn’t help but love them.
-
They saw Leo next in the park. On Tuesday. When they locked eyes, both of them gave the same bemused smile before simultaneously moving towards each other. Both were alone, and Calyx had been doing a lot of thinking. Unbeknownst to them, Leo had too.
“We keep bumping into each other,” Leo said, smiling. He leaned against a wall, looking almost prince-like. Something about the way the sun framed him and glinted off his jewellery made them feel very much like a fish out of water. He was prettier than they remembered, or maybe than they’d ever appreciated.
“Yeah, um, small world.” A small self-conscious laugh bubbled up out of them. “Do you come here often? It’s my favourite park. I like reading by the lake.” They jerked a thumb out in the direction of it. “There were baby ducks earlier in the spring.”
“Really? No, I’ve never been before. I heard there was a lavender garden, so thought I’d check it out.”
Calyx noted the sprig of lavender in his top button. “You have good taste in flowers. Your hydrangeas were amazing.”
He smiled, looking away. “You’re very sweet. It’s a little bit of magic and a lot of time.”
A little pause. “Look, I -”
Calyx broke off, suddenly nervous. Leo looked at them with wide eyes. They took a deep breath and tried again.
“About Thursday, I -”
“Oh! I actually wanted to talk to you about that.”
Calyx’s stomach dropped. They hid a wince, instantly accepting that he’d had second thoughts.
“I feel like maybe I pushed you into saying yes earlier, so if you want to cancel completely, that’s absolutely fine.”
“Um. No. That wasn’t it at all. Um, can we sit down?” They felt shaky, regretting starting this conversation at all. But they sat, a little apart on a bench facing the lake.
“I sort of wanted to ask for a do-over, basically. I was tired, and I hadn’t really thought about - anything. But I think my answer would be different, if, um, you asked now. If you still want to.”
Another pause. Calyx watched the leaves cast dancing shadows over the ground.
“Okay,” Leo said, slowly. “Are you saying -”
“I take back what I said before,” they blurted. “Because I was thinking, and maybe you are my type.”
Leo laughed, a kind of breathless laugh. He ran a hand through his hair, looking at them in a way that made them feel breathless. “Okay, wow. So. Calyx,” He paused, then whispered, “what’s your last name?”
“Ambrosia,” they supplied, with a similar conspiratorial tone.
“That’s so beautiful,” he said quietly. “Mine is Animus.”
“Wow.” They couldn’t help their smile.
“Okay, okay. Calyx Ambrosia, would you like to go on a date with me? Because I really want to kiss you again, but I want to do it properly this time.”
Calyx gaped at him. “Oh. Yeah, that’d be nice,” they stammered.
He glowed. “Say, this Thursday at 6? I can pick you up.”
They still felt stunned. As they nodded, having lost all their words, the sun came out from behind a cloud they hadn’t even realised had come over it.
-
After the date was set, officially, it seemed there was no end to their excitement. Ada and Tom were insufferable about it, but Leo was wonderful. They could talk for hours and still have more to say.
Over dinner, in truly the fanciest place that Calyx had ever stepped foot inside, they saw him fidget with the ring and finally decided to ask.
“Your ring is lovely.”
“Oh, this? It’s - here,” he took it off and handed it to them. They took it carefully, managing to look at the engraving properly. It was a heart, anatomical.
“That’s so beautiful,” they breathed, tracing it with a thumb. “Can you use it for wax seals?”
Leo nodded. “That’s the intent, but I’ve never used it for that. This was from my great-grandfather. He’s still alive. Elves,” he said by way of an explanation. “He just basically took it off his hand when I turned 16 and was like, ‘here,’ because he forgot and didn’t have a present. I didn’t need a present, obviously, but he - well, he insisted.”
Calyx didn’t think it was possible to like Leo’s family any more than they already did. “That’s so sweet. What’s written on the inside?” They held it up to the light, trying to read the tiny words in vain before handing the heirloom back to Leo.
“Ex totis praecordiis meis,” Leo recited as he slipped it back on. “Family motto. It means ‘with all my heart.’ We’re a warrior family, historically. So it’s supposed to symbolise, like, courage. I don’t know if I exemplify that very well, but it’s a thing to talk about at parties. I mean, I don’t have any war stories, but the grandparents do.”
“You are a knight,” Calyx pointed out. “That feels courageous. And Leo is like, lion, right?”
He laughed, biting his lip. “About that. Leo is a nickname. My legal name is Aloysius.”
“Oh. Wow.” Calyx blinked. “How do you spell that?”
Leo wrote it out on a napkin. They blinked at it, sounding it out like how he had said it.
“Huh,” they said. “It’s a nice name. I never would’ve pronounced it like that, I’m glad you said it.”
“You can say it’s weird. I get it.”
Calyx laughed. “Um, it’s - different! But Leo suits you more, I think.”
Leo grinned. “Thank you! Plus, when it’s written down no one can ever pronounce it, and when I say it then no one ever knows how it’s spelled. And when anyone can pronounce it, they’re usually like, super stuck-up and used to saying full names and titles. It’s just - ugh.” He shuddered. “Like, imagine trying to moan Aloysius.”
Calyx thought about it for a millisecond before they realised the implication. It seemed that Leo processed it in the same second, almost immediately trying to backtrack.
“Wait, oh my God, no, I - no, don't imagine that, I didn't mean - not that you would - I wasn't saying you specifically - or anyone at all, just that - um, it's -” He stuttered, running a nervous hand through his hair. Calyx thought it was incredibly endearing. “Just, my friends used to say that whenever we encountered a weird name in texts, um. God, it's so stupid. I’m sorry.” He buried his face in his hands, clearly giving up.
Calyx smiled to themselves, then leaned over to squeeze his hand. “C’mon, it's fine,” they said. “I thought it was funny. I’ve said weirder things.”
“I'm mortified,” he said with his head still in his hands. “I can't believe I said that.” The end of the sentence wobbled a little, like he was holding in a laugh. And sure enough, when Calyx broke into one, he was quick to join.
The rest of the evening passed in a similar fashion, each of them making more and more pointed jokes and allusions to the same thing. The tension that had been brewing had begun bubbling over, like a kind of truth dawning upon them. Calyx started to feel thrilled, genuinely dizzy with anticipation. And they expected, however erroneously, that it would all just happen, but Leo asked at every juncture.
He asked before kissing their hand at the table. He asked before kissing them beside his car. He asked before driving them to his house, he asked before touching them, he asked, he asked, he asked. Of course he did. It was a better night than they could have ever imagined.
-
Throughout the night and into the morning, it was warm enough to not need a blanket, or perhaps they were simply flushed enough to generate the heat themselves. They'd showered together, quickly, but settled back into bed with nothing but a throw blanket to cover them. The inclination was to go again, but for now, Calyx was happy to enjoy the morning quiet. Leo’s room was decorated simply but ornately. In the sunlight, things glinted and shifted lazily, as if underwater. Their mind felt fresh and clear and unburdened for the first time in a long time.
“How was it?” Leo murmured. His hands were so soft. He’d taken off his rings last night, but they found themselves wondering what they would feel like. They’d had a little taste of that before they arrived here.
“…Good,” they admitted. “Really. I…”
They trailed off. It was vaguely mortifying to talk about it now, in the light of day.
“Talk to me.” They were really starting to appreciate his accent.
“Just… didn't expect to like it. That much.” They spoke quieter as they forced themselves to finish the sentence, blushing furiously even before he replied.
“Oh, darling.”
“Not like that,” they whispered, shifting to hide further under the blanket. “Or… I don't know what I mean. It was good. It was really nice. You’re so nice.”
“Good,” he purred, kissing the top of their head. “I’m glad you said yes, ‘cause I've been waiting to do that for weeks.”
“Really?”
“Mhm. You know,” Leo started, while tracing circles on their arm. “I have this cabin. I'd love to take you out there sometime, if you want.”
Calyx raised an eyebrow.
“Only if you want to. Otherwise, I’m fine with this. It’s just a little more intimate out there.”
“No, I mean. You have two houses?”
Leo clicked his tongue. “Hey. I got this one in a will, and the cabin is - I share it with a cousin. But we basically built it ourselves.”
“You’re crazy. I can’t believe I met you.”
He kissed them again, slow and lingering. “Me neither. Are you heading home after breakfast?”
“Are you assuming that I’m staying for breakfast?” They teased, enjoying the way his smile faltered. “I’m joking. Of course I am. And I have nowhere to be.”
“Great,” he murmured. “Then it can be just you and me.”
── .✦ The doctor said she was lucky. She has not yet found a way to explain to the doctor what that word does to her now. What it costs her every time someone says it. Lucky. Like surviving was something she did to someone.
── .✦ He goes over it. Every night, every version, every small decision that split into this outcome and not another. If he'd been thirty seconds faster. If he'd said something different. If he'd just—the math never changes...
── .✦ "You made it," they keep telling her, like that's the part she's struggling with. She knows she made it. She was there. She made it and he didn't and nobody seems to understand that those two facts live in her like something at war.
── .✦ She laughs at something on TV and for three full seconds everything is normal. And then it crashes back in. The guilt of the three seconds, the guilt of the laughing, the guilt of still being someone who can laugh, and she's back under again.
── .✦ He visits the grave more than he probably should. Stands there and doesn't say anything most times. Sometimes he says it should've been me and means it completely and waits for something to argue back. But nothing does.
── .✦ "You need to stop blaming yourself," they say, and she nods, and she means to, and then she's alone again and the blame is right there where she left it, patient as anything, waiting.
── .✦ "I should've been there," he said, for the hundredth time, and she finally looked at him and said, "And then what? Then I'd be standing here saying it about you?" He didn't have an answer. He's still looking for one.
── .✦ She is so tired of being the one who made it. She is so tired of carrying the weight of a life that sometimes feels like it belongs to someone else.
── .✦ He built a whole future out of guilt. Every good thing he does now he does with her name underneath it, like a foundation, like a debt he'll never finish paying off. He doesn't know if that's honoring her or punishing himself. Maybe both. Maybe that's the same thing now.
── .✦ "Do you ever think about why you?" her therapist asks. Every day, she doesn't say. Every single day I think about why me and I never come up with an answer that doesn't make me want to disappear.
── .✦ The hardest day wasn't the funeral. The hardest day was six months later when she woke up and for one terrible, beautiful, unforgivable second--she'd forgotten.
── .✦ He's good at it now. Surviving. He's built a whole life around the skill of it. Some nights he hates himself for how good he's gotten.
── .✦ She doesn't talk about it. People think that means she's healed. People think silence is the same as peace. She knows better. She knows silence is just where the loudest things live.
I’ll forever love the trope of a Whumper pushing their Weapon/Stoic Whumpee so far that they completely lose their cool.
Then the Whumper follows up by saying, “There he/she is,” like they know exactly which buttons to push to get that reaction out of their Weapon/Whumpee every time.
There's no law against slamming your whumpees head against the desk!! If they mess up a paper? Give it a good slam!! They need to learn better!! Mess up your coffee? Slam against the corner!! Make you make them bleed too!! Makes them want to be better!! They need to learn better :)
whumper who would keenly watch out for things whumpee liked so that they could snatch it up, because they loved to see the split second of devastation on whumpee's face, before they'd try to cover it up. depriving them of any and all comforts.
so once whumpee has been rescued, they always do their very best to hide their joy when something they find lovely is within reach. even though whumper would eventually realise when they liked something too much, maybe these people won't. they haven't known whumpee for as long as whumper did, after all.
when caretaker tries to query after whumpee's preferences, they clam up and give the answers as vaguely as possible— anything other than neutral and detached will be used to hurt them, honestly, but they'd eat a hundred of that wretched broccoli dish if it meant they could get a bite or two of their favourite every once in a while.
one day, caretaker reached out to gently ruffle whumpee's hair, and they have to stand so still in order to stop themself from leaning into the warm touch. they are almost overwhelmed by their longing to press back, but that will only make caretaker realise how much they love this, and then they might start pulling at their hair with the pretense of ruffling it. whumpee would undeniably fall for it.
so they shut up. they don't move. and they keep hoping that caretaker won't notice and put an end to it.
