My Weight Loss Journey Begins
   So, it’s come to this. Yesterday my doctor referred me to my local medical weight loss clinic. I know I’ve been gaining weight, but I didn’t realize how much. Over the past 10 months I have gained 26 pounds! My clothes were fitting differently (or not at all) so I knew something was up. I am now the heaviest I have ever been, including when I was pregnant. I weigh 249.4 lbs. At 5 ft. 4 in. this gives me a BMI of 42.8 which is well over the obese range.
   I’ve given myself lots of excuses for getting to this point. I am disabled; I became paralyzed from the waist down December 9th, 2015 as a result of Functional Neurological Disorder. I suffer chronic pain from this condition as well as from Fibromyalgia. I am able to walk now, but most of the time I use mobility aide such as a cane or a walker. The few times I’ve tried to incorporate exercise into my lifestyle by taking short walks I ended up in excruciating pain. My Pain Management Specialist prescribed aqua therapy. I never went. At the time I couldn’t fit the prescribed 6 hours/week into my schedule. Instead we increased my pain medications.
   Another excuse I’ve given myself is that I just have too much going on to put any emotional, mental or physical energy into weight loss. I’ve gone through a lot over the past few years, including, but not limited to: the deaths of both of my parents, moving, legal battles/custody battles with my ex-husband, reporting my ex-husband to DCF, rape, assault, robbery, poverty, my son’s serious illness and my own serious illness. I remember how stressful it is to focus on weight loss; the guilt when I indulge or miss exercise, the mental and emotional stress of exerting will power (something I struggle with in particular), the mental energy of tracking calories and nutritional information, the financial strain and confusion associated with trying to buy healthy foods with Food Stamps. I was just trying to keep my head above water with all of my other life stressors. It seemed impossible to add focusing on weight loss to that list. So I just kept telling myself that I would focus on it when things calmed down. But things never calmed down.
   Being obese is certainly taking a toll on me. Carrying all of this extra weight around exacerbates my chronic pain conditions. It sucks out what little energy I have. I feel self-conscious and ashamed of my body. The medical issue that led to the referral to the medical weight loss clinic is my severe GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease). My esophagus has been damaged by my acid reflux. And now my teeth are in danger. At my last dentist visit I was told I had roughly 15 cavities and that the majority of them were the direct result of stomach acids weakening my tooth enamel. My dentist said, “If you don’t do something about your GERD you are going to start losing your teeth.” This horrified me. I don’t want to end up needing dentures when I’m only 36 years old! So I approached my gastroenterologist about the issue, suggesting surgery since I’m already on the maximum dosage of two prescription antacids. My doctor told me there are other things we can try first and that one of them is weight loss.
   I have so many emotions about being referred to a medical weight loss clinic. Part of me is excited and optimistic because I know that if anyone can help me to lose weight it will be these doctors. I’m also horrified and embarrassed that my weight has gotten so severely out of control. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to do it; I won’t have the will power. I’m afraid of what my life will be like now. Will it be an endless cycle of counting every calorie and painful exercise? I’m angry. I’m angry at myself for not having the will power to have prevented this. I’m angry and resentful. I have so many other urgent, stressful matters to attend to that I resent the fact that I now have to deal with this. I’m resentful because, as a low-income individual, food is one of the only indulgences I can afford. I can’t afford to get my nails done. I can’t afford the occasional financial splurge. I can’t afford entertainment like concerts or even trips to the movies. My only area of indulgence is using Food Stamps to buy some Ben & Jerry’s.
   I’m creating this blog for many reasons. I want a place to be able to honestly express my thoughts and emotions during this journey. I want another way to hold myself accountable. And I want to share an insider’s look of the realities of a weight loss journey-the good, the bad and the ugly. So, won’t you join me as I embark on this adventure? I could use all of the cheerleaders I can get.
