#weightlossreality

[piersey1]

People think weight loss is glamorous — mostly it’s ordinary and quiet.

[soapboxmomma-blog]

My Weight Loss Confession

Enough already! For the sake of possibly helping just one person, I’m going to be super vulnerable and honest right now. I think I am recovering from disordered eating. That’s the first time I admitted that aloud (or on paper), and it feels scary and cathartic, all at once.

The crazy thing is, I didn’t encounter this type of behavior in myself until I hit 30. What started out as a goal to bring down my cholesterol levels, turned into a beast, in its own right. I first got motivated when my Doctor told me I had cholesterol levels of 60 year old, when I was just 30 years old. Being only at the high end of normal weight, this was shocking news to me. But high cholesterol runs in my family, and I felt behooved to work hard to make changes, to get in into a healthier range. I started counting calories and working out more. The first 10 lbs came off pretty quickly and the labs proved I had improved my cholesterol into a healthy zone. So I should have stopped there, right? But during this weight loss “journey” (I really despise that word in this context, but in this case it’s to make a point) something else started happening in my life that had never happened before- friends started praising my new body and noticing how “thin” and “great” I looked. It felt great to get these types of accolades. I also started becoming obsessed with the scale and how my clothes now all fit. I liked feeling thin and in control. Perhaps since other things in my life were way out of my control (my son got a devastating diagnosis of muscular dystrophy around this time), this was something I could tackle and achieve, in spite of everything going on around me.

I’m not sure if others in my generation had a similar experience growing up, but I never really had body image issues as a teen. I attribute this to my mom and my sister always praising being beautiful, curvy Jewish women. Being an active kid and teen meant I was always moving and never took a moment to consider my size and calorie intake. The ironic thing is, recently a friend pointed out how when she saw an old photo of me in my teens I looked bigger then I did now (she meant this as a compliment, but we can leave the whole “complimenting weight loss” for another time). And you know what, she was absolutely right. But, I felt amazing then. I was a carefree teen, I had tons of friends, I was too busy enjoying my youth to notice the “extra” weight I was carrying around. I felt very good in my body, and I had all the confidence in the world.

One very important factor, in this teenage healthy body image equation, is the fact that social media was non-existent back then. We didn’t even text when I was a teen (I spent hours gabbing on my personal landline, which was super awesome and cool in 1999). There was no comparison “live feed” happening on my phone, as a constant reminder of what I am not. Nobody was selling me their diet or flashing before and after photos or themselves and others. I could live in my blissful unawareness of what I “should” look like. Beauty magazines never appealed to me. I was more into classic rock and journaling. My friends were all shapes and sizes too, and we were a close knit group that never body shamed each other. We were a group dealing with more important real life dramas (two friends lost parents, two friends parents were going through divorces), and we had grown up and were beyond the trappings of what some of our peers were focused on.  

All in all, I never battled with the voice inside telling me I needed to shrink until I was an adult. But after I lost those initial pounds, I was addicted. I liked watching the scale go down, and everyone around me praising me for my accomplishments. I joined Weight Watchers and started to track everything that went in my mouth. Different foods had different values and I was the sum of this value. My daily life was based around this number and if I was “good” or “bad” that day. As hard as I tried though, I could never get to my final “goal”, that was really not a healthy goal and not a necessary place to be, as I had already reached my health goal of lowering my cholesterol. Luckily, things changed. Because of another medical situation going on (I’m totally fine, thank G-d), I had to give up on my weight obsession for a while. This has given me time to pause and reflect and my eyes have been opened to all the weight obsession going on around me. Whether it is a particular diet, product, pill or fitness program, it seems like every other person I know on social media is selling “thin”. Possibly one of the most triggering of posts is those before and after photos. The message: your life will be so much better after you turn into the person you SHOULD be, and so long as you stay the way you are, you aren’t your best self, you aren’t reaching your potential. Translation: your size is your worth. This is what they are selling, regardless of the “health” they may be promoting.

What kind of message is this for our young women? Don’t we live in the time of women standing up to bullies? Truthfully, we may be our own biggest bullies. It’s so true, that you really can become your own worst enemy. And if you truly have a health risk and need to lose weight, then moderation should be the goal, not emaciation. Yes, I know there are some people who may then take this too far, and think I’m normalizing and accepting obesity, but trust me, this is not the case. In fact, I think this whole obsession may be at the center of the “obesity epidemic”, and in the struggle of trying to achieve perfection one gives up completely and therefore we end up with the very dangerous  yo-yo dieting that causes so much harm to the body.

Let’s strive for moderation. Let’s each salads but enjoy a piece of chocolate. Let’s focus on foods that make us feel good, not just look good. I recently cut out gluten and soy, for thyroid management purposes, and I have noticed I actually feel better off of these foods. I’m listening to my body, and not someone else’s definition of beauty and worth. If I am able to turn this around I think others can to. I invite all women to join together, and think about ways we can combat this battle. Social media moves at lightning speed, so in some ways it feels like an uphill battle, but I do think there is hope. I have seen women and communities come together against hate, and it’s inspiring to witness the changes that have been made and will continue to be made. We have called out the male bullies in our midsts and now it’s time to call ourselves out and demand a better direction. It’s only our physical, mental and emotional health at risk. I think it’s worth it.

        My mom and I back in my teen, carefree, slightly heavier days.

[fattywithafuture-blog]

My Weight Loss Journey Begins

     So, it’s come to this.  Yesterday my doctor referred me to my local medical weight loss clinic.  I know I’ve been gaining weight, but I didn’t realize how much.  Over the past 10 months I have gained 26 pounds!  My clothes were fitting differently (or not at all) so I knew something was up.  I am now the heaviest I have ever been, including when I was pregnant.  I weigh 249.4 lbs. At 5 ft. 4 in. this gives me a BMI of 42.8 which is well over the obese range.

     I’ve given myself lots of excuses for getting to this point.  I am disabled; I became paralyzed from the waist down December 9th, 2015 as a result of Functional Neurological Disorder.  I suffer chronic pain from this condition as well as from Fibromyalgia.  I am able to walk now, but most of the time I use mobility aide such as a cane or a walker.  The few times I’ve tried to incorporate exercise into my lifestyle by taking short walks I ended up in excruciating pain.  My Pain Management Specialist prescribed aqua therapy.  I never went.  At the time I couldn’t fit the prescribed 6 hours/week into my schedule.  Instead we increased my pain medications.

     Another excuse I’ve given myself is that I just have too much going on to put any emotional, mental or physical energy into weight loss.  I’ve gone through a lot over the past few years, including, but not limited to: the deaths of both of my parents, moving, legal battles/custody battles with my ex-husband, reporting my ex-husband to DCF, rape, assault, robbery, poverty, my son’s serious illness and my own serious illness.  I remember how stressful it is to focus on weight loss; the guilt when I indulge or miss exercise, the mental and emotional stress of exerting will power (something I struggle with in particular), the mental energy of tracking calories and nutritional information, the financial strain and confusion associated with trying to buy healthy foods with Food Stamps.  I was just trying to keep my head above water with all of my other life stressors.  It seemed impossible to add focusing on weight loss to that list.  So I just kept telling myself that I would focus on it when things calmed down.  But things never calmed down.

     Being obese is certainly taking a toll on me.  Carrying all of this extra weight around exacerbates my chronic pain conditions.  It sucks out what little energy I have.  I feel self-conscious and ashamed of my body.  The medical issue that led to the referral to the medical weight loss clinic is my severe GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease).  My esophagus has been damaged by my acid reflux.  And now my teeth are in danger.  At my last dentist visit I was told I had roughly 15 cavities and that the majority of them were the direct result of stomach acids weakening my tooth enamel.  My dentist said, “If you don’t do something about your GERD you are going to start losing your teeth.”  This horrified me.  I don’t want to end up needing dentures when I’m only 36 years old!  So I approached my gastroenterologist about the issue, suggesting surgery since I’m already on the maximum dosage of two prescription antacids.  My doctor told me there are other things we can try first and that one of them is weight loss.

     I have so many emotions about being referred to a medical weight loss clinic.  Part of me is excited and optimistic because I know that if anyone can help me to lose weight it will be these doctors.  I’m also horrified and embarrassed that my weight has gotten so severely out of control.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to do it; I won’t have the will power.  I’m afraid of what my life will be like now.  Will it be an endless cycle of counting every calorie and painful exercise?  I’m angry.  I’m angry at myself for not having the will power to have prevented this.  I’m angry and resentful.  I have so many other urgent, stressful matters to attend to that I resent the fact that I now have to deal with this.  I’m resentful because, as a low-income individual, food is one of the only indulgences I can afford.  I can’t afford to get my nails done.  I can’t afford the occasional financial splurge.  I can’t afford entertainment like concerts or even trips to the movies.  My only area of indulgence is using Food Stamps to buy some Ben & Jerry’s.

     I’m creating this blog for many reasons.  I want a place to be able to honestly express my thoughts and emotions during this journey.  I want another way to hold myself accountable.  And I want to share an insider’s look of the realities of a weight loss journey-the good, the bad and the ugly.  So, won’t you join me as I embark on this adventure?  I could use all of the cheerleaders I can get.

[astridfierce]

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Is it pathetic that I feel like I could cry because all this amazing stuff is in our office right now and I'm not allowing myself any of it? To top it all off we are having lunch catered to us today as well and I have vowed to only eat my 6 pt pre packed meal and salad. 😭😭 #iwantallthecarbs #pastaislife #paneraislife #butnotmylife #struggles #weightlossreality #learningtosayno #doensidetoweightloss #officelife #godgivemestrength #sayingnotobadfood #itssohard #damnnit