[fawlliams]

And there’s a part of me that still wants us. There’s a part of me that still hopes we’ll find a way to make this work. That we’ll get a small apartment in the city together. That we’ll adopt a puppy. That we’ll spend our nights cooking and laughing and reading by the fire. That we’ll finally travel and see the world the way we always planned to. That we’ll get lost in foreign cities and drunk under the stars. That we’ll beat the odds. That we’ll settle down and get married. That we’ll fall back in love. That we’ll feel the way we used to when this all began. That we’ll forget all the reasons we didn’t work. There’s a part of me that still wants us. But the other parts of me know better now.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

I know that I’m going to be okay. And that’s the most comforting thought in the world right now. I know that no matter how badly things between us ended, I’m going to be okay. I know that no matter how shattered my heart feels at this moment, I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. I’ve got a family that loves me. I’ve got friends who care. I’ve got a job that gives my purpose. I’ve got beaches to fall asleep on and a whole big city to get lost in. I’ve got books to read and movies to watch and songs to sing when I’m stuck in traffic. And my heart is still young, it will heal and it will love again. And one day, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but one day soon, I’m going to be okay.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

We’re not really close anymore, our friendship didn’t really work out. But I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you’re happy wherever you are. I hope you ended up someplace warm and sunny, I know how much you hated the rain. I hope your mornings are slow and gentle, filled with fresh coffee and soft sheets. I hope you found love again, I hope you finally got over the boy who kept breaking your heart. I hope whoever is in your life now is gentler and kinder, I hope he holds your hand and brushes away your tears. I hope you started drawing again, that you got back in touch with the things you loved, the things that made you feel at peace. I hope you’re doing okay.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

You don’t know what you want. That’s okay. We’ve all been there. Life is hard and the world can get confusing at times. You don’t know what you want. That’s okay. But you know what? You’re done figuring it out on my time.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

And if I could’ve, I would’ve loved you forever. I would’ve spent an eternity wrapped in your arms. I would’ve woken up next to you every morning and fallen asleep next to you every night. I would’ve gone grocery shopping with you every weekend and walked the dog with you every afternoon. God I would’ve loved you forever. I would’ve watched you grow old, watched your black hair fade to grey and watched your laugh lines deepen. I would’ve built a life with you, had a white picket fence and a massive back yard. We could’ve had a girl with your smile and a boy with my eyes. If I could’ve, I would’ve loved you forever.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

And I knew we had an expiration date. I knew it from the second we began, from that very first kiss. I felt it in every laugh, every smile, every lingering touch. We both held on for a little too long after every hug. We both knew it. We knew it was going to end. But god it didn’t make it any easier. Nothing could have made that inevitable crash any easier. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the way my heart shattered when you walked out that door.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

Tell her she’s beautiful. Trust me, you have nothing to lose. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her that her eyes are your favorite color. Tell her that the curve of her lips makes your breath shake. Tell her that the sound of her voice makes your heart flutter. Tell her that her laugh could bring you to your knees. Tell her she’s beautiful.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

I ran into someone the other day, someone who knew us when we were 17. And she asked me about you, asked me how we were doing. And I’ll be honest, I hadn’t thought about you for a while at that point, in fact I’d done my best to forget you. But as soon as she said your name, it all came rushing back to me, all the memories, all the laughs, all the late nights and all the adventures. I said we hadn’t worked out, that we’d grown apart and gone our separate ways. But the truth is, I don’t know what happened to us. We were so, so in love. It was the kind of love that was meant to survive, you know? And it didn’t. I spent months after you left trying to figure out why we broke and to this day I don’t have an answer. I don’t think I ever will. I guess it doesn’t matter at this point. I’ll just go back to not thinking about you and pretending that a piece of me isn’t missing.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

You know that moment when you’re driving through a storm and you pass under a bridge and for a brief second the world is quiet? You were that moment to me, stretched out over weeks and months. You were my solace in a world that was raging and angry. You were my peace.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

We were a mistake. I know that. God do I know that. But we were a mistake I would make again and again and again. In every lifetime I would come back to you and make the same mistake. I would do it all, every tear shed, every door slammed, every photograph torn and burned. I would do it all again, just for the chance to love you one more time.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

And we didn’t work out. Not the way I hoped we would. But we’ll always have that summer. We’ll always have that last minute road trip we took to the middle of nowhere. We’ll always have late nights spent looking up at the stars and warm days spent by the lake. We’ll always have the 80’s songs you blasted on the radio that we sang until our voices cracked and the old movies that we watched until we fell asleep. We’ll always have that summer. And it was a great summer, the best I ever had, because for a few precious weeks we were invincible. For a few precious weeks I finally knew what it felt like to be in love. I had a taste of pure, unrestrained happiness and I can’t thank you enough for that.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

What we were doesn’t make me sad. What makes me sad is what we could have been. We could have been so much. We could have been everything. We could have been magical, a work of art. We could have been that once in a lifetime, heart stopping, soul consuming love. We weren’t. That breaks me.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

And so we agree not to talk about it anymore. About any of it. We don’t mention the night we first kissed on your bedroom floor, the only light in the room coming from the fairy lights that were draped across your headboard. We don’t mention the time we got drunk off cheap wine and watched your favourite 80’s movies until you fell asleep in my arms. We don’t mention getting lost in the city that day and finding that adorable little cafe that served the most delicious mint chocolate chip ice cream. The cafe that we never managed to find again. We don’t mention the time we went to the grocery store and ran down the aisles with you in a shopping cart because it was the first item on your bucket list. We don’t mention that we got kicked out of that grocery store. We don’t mention any of it anymore. We don’t mention the intertwined fingers and the playful jabs. We don’t mention laughing until it hurt or feeling so happy it felt like nothing would ever bring us down again. We pretend none of it ever happened. Because it’s easier that way. It’s easier than admitting that we had the entire world in the palm of ours hands and were stupid enough to let it slip between our fingers.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

And I’m worried I’ll look for you in everyone that I meet. I’m worried I’ll look into his blue eyes and my heart will sink because they aren’t the same chocolate brown that yours were. I’m worried I’ll run my hands through his sandy blonde hair and a lump will form in my throat because it isn’t jet black. I’m worried I’ll always compare him to you, worried he won’t be as smart or as funny or as kind as you. I’m worried he won’t make my heart beat or my stomach flutter. I’m worried I’ll spend the rest of my life looking for you in everyone I meet. I’m worried I’ll never find you.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

And one day someone is going to fall madly in love with you. They will love you with every fibre of their being. They will love you in your entirety, all your scars and your flaws, your freckles and your stretch marks and your wild frizzy hair. They will love your bumps and your blemishes and the dimples that you were never a fan of. They will love the eyes that you think are too far apart and the nose you worry is too wide. They will love your tummy and your thighs and the soft curve of your arms. One day someone will love you the way you deserve to be loved, they will love you unconditionally and without restraint, they will love you loud and they will love you proud. One day someone is going to fall madly in love with you and none of the heartbreak or pain that came before will matter anymore.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

Years from now when you look back on us, I hope you smile. I hope you forget the way we crashed and burned. I hope you forget the heartbreak that ended our story. Instead of the tears and the anger and the slamming doors, I hope you remember Christmas lights. I hope you remember Christmas lights and long drives late at night. I hope you remember the smell of the rain and the way I looked walking into the house with snow still in my hair. I hope you remember our favorite drive through and the smell of my coffee in the morning. I hope you remember laughing until you cried and singing until your lungs burned. I hope you remember how magical we were for that brief moment in time.

f.a.w

[fawlliams]

And I never really found the love that I was looking for. The love that was meant to set my set my soul on fire and send shivers down my spine. I never found the love that was firework kisses and pulsing electricity. I never found the love that was meant to complete me. But I found other things instead. I found friends that were honest and caring. I found a job that was meaningful and worthwhile. I found hobbies that I enjoyed. I found books that I loved to read and music that I loved to dance to. I found an ice cream flavor that I never got bored of. And eventually all of these things helped me realize that I didn’t need that one love to feel complete. I could find happiness and purpose all on my own

f.a.w