severus-sncpe:
He stopped as she spoke, soaking the comments in like a sponge, hating himself after every word.
“I’m sorry,” His voice cracked, “I didn– I wasn–” He couldn’t get the words out, he didn’t want her to see him like this anymore, he wanted to leave. “Lily.. We never t-talked about this b-because I don’t know what t-to say.” He coughed, trying to steady himself, “I thought you knew me better than anyone, I look back now and I see what happened but I thought you would’ve noticed it before I did, it was so obvious and I was so oblivious.” He sighed, his tears hadn’t stop, and he doubted they would. “You saw the way James treated me, you saved me from him countless times but from the beginning it was clear to me it was me or him, never us both. James.. James had said some things to me, the usual but harsher, about you thinking I was useless, a freak, and I ran back to my common room trying not to cry. Yes, I had talked to Lucius previously but it was about study and where a class room was.”
He looked at her, trying his best to breathe but just shaking instead, he was a mess. “Lucius happened to be there and he told me things and now I see how easy I was to manipulate. He did things, said things, so that it would seem I was best friends with him, he made me believe that. I did what I did because I thought you’d given up on me and my only hope was to stick my head down and study and have a maximum of three friends in the school, who happened to be blood purists but that’s because I wanted you to hate me. If you weren’t going to talk to me I needed a reason, so I knew, so I could mourn.” He started to get frustrated, flustered, “You didn’t know everything. You didn’t know the truth to my family, to my childhood. I only told you so much so you wouldn’t hate me, and,” he paused briefly, softening his tone, “and because the less I talked the more you could and I only ever wanted to listen to you and help you because I was, and frankly still am, a weak, ugly boy who only knows how to read books and fuck things up.” He looked at her again, but only for a second, he wanted to pass out.
“It’s not up to me to read your mind or notice bad decisions for you,” she groaned. “It’s up to you to notice these things, I have my own life that I am busy living. I couldn’t be in your ear at all times keeping your actions in check. None of that is my fault.
He mentioned James’ name and her blood boiled “Stop blaming James for your problems. He was horrible to you, I recognized that in school but using James as an excuse for your bad choices died with Hogwarts. I didn’t even become friends with him right away so that whole you or him thing is bullshit. I never chose either of you after that fight, but the difference here is despite the things James said to you, none of them were regarding something as controversial as blood status. Any chances of our friendship surviving were done when you brought blood into this. James at least knew better than to use a slur against me, better than someone who was supposed to be my best friend. You act like no one has been bullied as bad as you were by him and that’s what lead you to hang around with the wrong people. I’ve been ridiculed for my blood status for years by many people, some as jokes others were actual threats on my life over it but, did I decide to make idiotic choices regarding my friends because of it? No.”
Lily sighed in frustration, “The moment you realized he was manipulating you, you should have cut things off. You had every opportunity to change that relationship and you didn’t. I can’t have sympathy for you on this Severus.” Lily knew Severus had kept things from her throughout their friendship, she didn’t know much about his family or his own childhood. She was quickly becoming frustrated at his constant need to put himself down, she couldn’t exactly tell if it was a tactic he was using to make her feel guilty or if he actually thought it of himself. She didn’t want to feed into it either way so she just shook her head with her arms crossed on her chest.
