he watches, song after song, can’t help but sway a little and sing along to the oldies, the ones he knows by heart. max has always been jess’ biggest fan. back in the day, he wished she could see herself through his eyes. sometimes, he wished she could see the way her voice seemed to hypnotize those who heard her, like in those mermaid folktales his grandmother used to read him when he was a child. sometimes, he wished she could see the power of her ocean eyes and her calming smile. how she seemed to light up a room just with her presence. how for him, she felt like coming home. and as he took a moment to observe the crowd, max confirmed his suspicions: he was not the only one. a soft smile pulled at the corner of his mouth as he watched the audience singing along to her songs, sharing such an intimate moment with jess. for max, there was no one more deserving of this than her.
the sound of her speaking voice brings his attention back to the stage. he’s listening eagerly just like everyone else. except his heart seems to be beating faster with every word she says, his eyebrows knitted in confusion. max takes a deep breath and promises himself not to get too inside his head. however, he fails miserably. almost immediately. the sound of her voice is still as engulfing and addicting, but now there’s something about the words coming out from her mouth that make him feel uneasy. max has never been the one to assume a song is about him, or for him. why would she write a song about him if she probably never loved him in the first place? she had walked out of his life just as easily as she had walked in. but when you know, you know. and now every single word feels like a knife going straight for his heart.
“baby, i built myself up a whole goddamn house,” she sings, and max can’t help but nod his head in agreement. “i just kinda sorta didn’t mention that i want you cause i know you’ll never love me.” oh, so that’s why you stopped wanting me? ‘cause i freaking loved you with everything i had, max thinks to himself, aware of how bitter that would sound out loud. “don’t think i’m worthy, i don’t think i’m deserving of love, that’s why i play these games,” she’s singing. oh, if you only knew how bad i wanted to give you the world. “so i lied when i said i don’t care,” so that means you do?, he wonders to himself. “and i’d do it again,” she finishes off, softly, like a quiet prayer. it ignites something inside max’s chest. just like when she called a couple weeks ago.
“would you do it again?,” he wants to ask. he knows damn well he would.
it was an odd feeling, to finally let something out into the open that you’d been keeping locked within for quite some time. there was a mixture of emotions—apprehension, relief, guilt. apprehension because what if people hated it? what if after pouring her heart into a song, people reacted badly? relief because with every passing moment, with every word that left her lips, a weight lifted from her shoulders. a weight she’d become so accustomed to that it wasn’t until it had been lifted, even slightly, that she’d noticed it was there to begin with. but guilt. it was quiet, it lurked in the back of her mind stopping the weight upon her shoulders from disappearing completely—it kept reminding her that she had no right to be able to feel completely at ease. not after what she’d done in order to be able to finish this song. he deserved more than a song written with him in mind in hopes that one day it’d reach his ears and he’d piece it together and understand why she’d left. but maybe that’s all she’ll ever be able to bring herself to give him because letting this song out into the world was harder than anyone would ever know. though maybe, just maybe, if someone was paying close attention they may have been able to see that as she sung, blue eyes had turned misty.
something she herself hadn’t even completely realised until the final lyrics left her lips. it was subtle, but she shifted slightly. angling herself away to block some of the crowds view as a hand came to quickly wipe across cheeks before disguising it as she pulled out her in-ear monitor for a minute to take everything in. lips pressed together, her lips forming into a heavy smile as she turned once more back to the crowd that grew loud with cheers once more. at least she didn’t have to worry about people hating the song.
as the last couple songs followed there was no denying there was a small shift in her energy, everything was a little quieter, a little softer, a little dimmer. but still she gave it her all up until the very last second, and as she said her final thanks & goodnights the smile upon her lips never once faltered. if blake wasn’t happy with the outcome of that, then jess really couldn’t imagine what he was looking for, though as she stepped off the stage to a large grin upon blake’s features, even she couldn’t find anything hidden between the lines.
she’d done it. she’d really managed to pull it off. the high that filled her was near intoxicating, she doubted not even the falter of composure on stage and the thoughts that had caused it could affect the smile that was plastered across her lips.
