fear himself

Vinyl Countdown Clerk | Mare | 34

[quietvoiced]

[fearhims3lf-retired]

eldritchaccident​:

[pm] Oh really convincing bud. Honestly now I’m even more concerned.

🜁

[pm] Look I’m just not feeling anything right now. I’m fine.

[fearhims3lf-retired]

Getting real tired of this town and the weird hours. I just want it to be night time during the night. That isn’t too much to ask.

[fearhims3lf-retired]

lostlovings​:

[pm]

[…]

Okay. I’ll come.

She’ll be happy to hear it. She’s been coloring but she’s getting sleepy. I’m about to carry her to bed and get her in her pjs.

[…]

I forgive you just…let me care about you. Let me love you. Accept that you have it and that I’m here to stay. I hear you, things are fucked. However, we’re figuring it out together. Si? Juntos. We’re your family too.

🜁

[pm] You can […] spoon me this time. I’d […] like that a lot. Maybe after we you know. Have some fun. 

Ok. I’ll be there to sing her goodnight and Chachi can sleep in her bed. She likes it there the most anyway. 

Not much to figure out, Vi. I’m not getting my family back. Not after this. And I don’t want to give it up. I like what I do. I like how it feels. What the fuck am I if I aint being fear. Killing is part of the job. What the fuck else am I supposed to do?

[fearhims3lf-retired]

lostlovings​:

[pm]

[user reads the message and doesn’t know how to respond. Leaves on read for a while.]

I fucking adore you. With all I am. You are lovable. You are loved. By me, by luz, by Teddy. We love you. You’re “I’m the devil” act is old and I’m tired of it. Accept that you have good qualities and overcome it. I’m so hurt by you right now. I’m so hurt. I haven’t loved anyone since Gabriel and I trust you with it and this is how you treat me. No puede ser. Loving you is worth it but you make it damn hard to be patient.

[user decides against sending message. she composed from crying and then wonders, is it any use?]

If you truly believe that then maybe you don’t know me.

[…]

I don’t know. I stand by what I said but I can’t keep pushing. I don’t want to push you away. I’m taking the couch. There’s food in the microwave. I’ll tell Luz there’s no goodnight song. Sleep well.

🜁

[pm] No. Don’t take the couch.

[...]

Come to bed. I want you next to me. [...] Please.

And I’ll sing Luz to sleep like always. She don’t need to be upset just cuz I am.

[...]

I’m sorry. Things are just fucking rough. I don’t know what to do.

[fearhims3lf-retired]

lostlovings​:

[pm] I get you’re in pain. I get it. But you don’t have to be an ass to me about it. Damnit. Is it so hard to believe that you are worth loving because mierda, I love you.

[user blinks hard, realizing what she’s said. too late now. she sent it.]

[…]

Please don’t leave.

🜁

[pm] I’m not being an ass.

You don’t. Or maybe you do. But it’ll go away. Did for pa and it will for you.

[fearhims3lf-retired]

lostlovings​:

[pm] Yes, I do.

You are not a devil. Stop calling yourself that. You’re a wonderful being full of love…joy…passion. I love you.

🜄

[pm] You have to say that. You’re with me.

Do I really need to stay here? I want a drink.

[fearhims3lf-retired]

@lostlovings

[pm] I want to see you like this and in every other form. Por favor. Please.

It doesn’t make sense. But he doesn’t mean it. He shouldn’t. He can’t.

.

[pm] No you don’t.

He does mean it. Pa always means what he say and if I ain’t family I ain’t family. Just a fucking devil.

[fearhims3lf-retired]

[pm] Amor…please let me in. Emotionally and physically. What he said isn’t true. You’re not what he said you were. They still love you. I love you.

[user has to hop onto his laptop]

[pm] Don’t need you seeing me like this.

I’m exactly what he said I am and then some. Exactly what I’m supposed to be and it’s too much? Dont fucking get it.

[fearhims3lf-retired]

Simmer || Solo

TIMING: Current

SUMMARY: Mateo and his father finish their phone call.

WARNINGS: None

“You don’t understand, pa.” Mateo bit the inside of his cheek as he gripped his phone, waiting for his father to respond. With a bated breath, he shook, terrified of what was to come next. Filipe taught him everything he knew, and was the one man he’d ever held with high regard.

Filipe’s word was law, and he led with a loving hand, but the wrath of his anger was something Mateo had been able to dissuade or at least avoid. Though it wasn’t said aloud, he knew he was the favorite, and even feared given he’d been a gifted mara since he was only seven years old. He was molded and taught to be fearsome, to be a beast that followed certain rules, but those were just chains that couldn’t hold him. He’d grown too grotesque and monstrous as he was taught to, and now the feared was…fearful. Not something Mateo ever wanted to be, but it was a feeling he couldn’t break away from even when Filipe finally spoke.

“Mateo…” He drawled, his deep and raspy voice rattling in his throat. It was practically dripping with disappointment. A venom that made Mateo’s heart feel like it was about to collapse.

“Pa?” 

“You’re not my son. You’re not—I taught you better! You were supposed to be the best of us—and then you do this? You throw away what I taught you and become a devil? Where is your respect? Where is your pride?”

“Dad—”

“No! I’m not your father. My son would know to respect. He would know to not put his family in danger the way you did.”

Mateo retreated into himself, keeping silent as fear choked him.

“We maras do not steal breath unless necessary—”

“It was necessary! It’s my—” Mateo found his spine in that moment, but he quickly lost it in the next instant.

“Don’t interrupt me, boy!” He cleared his throat. “I should’ve seen this coming. You were too greedy. Too…too excitable and bored. We had a good name until you did this. The Laras were respected and feared, and now…” Filipe tutted, his groan audible through the phone’s speaker. “Desgraciado. Bueno por nada.”

“I only did—I kept the family fed! I did everything!” Mateo yelled, falling apart and gripping the kitchen counter. He could feel Vida’s eyes burning into his back, but he couldn’t face her. “I taught—”

“And I regret letting you teach! What if they turn out like you? Mateo, you stay away from this family because you do not belong. Not anymore.” The call ended, the dull beeps echoing in Mateo’s ear as he stood there, shaken.

He wanted to vomit, to scream, to do something other than let the tears stream down his face with the anger, misery, and confusion he felt. What was he if he wasn’t a terrifying Lara? What was he if he wasn’t exactly what he was taught to be? And why was his father so angry?

All these questions thundered in Mateo’s mind as he slammed his phone repeatedly against the counter, shattering it completely. He slammed it some more, and he continued to, eventually making it as broken and unusable as he was.

[fearhims3lf-retired]

lostlovings​:

Everything smells like fish. Tried to go kayaking with Lu and it’s all covered in tape. She started crying because she said she saw an otter with “scary teefies”. Anyone else having any issues? Dios mío. This town.

🜁

You seen the cheese coming out of the faucets? Annoying ass shit.

This whole place esta a la chingada. Got me all irritated.

[fearhims3lf-retired]

Felipe -> Mateo

Felipe: Mijo, I just got a weird call. No me gusto what they started tellin' me.

Mateo: ¿De que estás hablando? Are you talking to those spam calls again?

Felipe: No se what that meat has to do con esto.

Mateo: *sighs* Nevermind. What did they say?

Felipe: They told me what you really do for trabajo and I don't like it, Mateo. Are they lying? Are you doing exactly what I taught you not to do?

Mateo: I need to call you back.

Felipe: No te hagas--

*call ended*

[fearhims3lf-retired]

lostlovings​:

[pm] […] It’s weird. Agreed. I was someone’s wife. Probably Luz’s stickers. Mama is barely getting by.

I have some ideas. […] Are you gonna miss the others?

🜁

[pm] Nah, she can keep em. 

You know we dont gotta do anything right? You sound kinda tired.

[partysleeprinserepeat]

[fearhims3lf-retired]

lostlovings​:

[pm] Ay, el novio pays attention. Gold star for you.

[…] If I say yes, what are your intentions?

🜁

[pm] Still weird that I’m getting called that. Is this a real gold star or a fake one?

You know what my intentions are mama.

[fearhims3lf-retired]

lostlovings​:

[pm] I did like them. They’re my favorite colors. However I like you even more. Are you coming over later?

 🜁

[pm] I know. I pay attention.

I can. You gonna wear that nightgown I like?

[naintimide]

(warning : shirtless)