Anna @fearlessbirdiiie - Tumblr Blog

I'm tired. Everyone says I'm so strong for managing it all alone as I've been for years. But from the person I loved the most, I get the opposite. From his friends, from his therapist, who by the way don't even know me or my side... that I'm a failure as a woman, as a partner, as a mother, as a person. And I'm breaking my back every day to provide everything on my own, I've been in survival mode for three years, constantly. I pretend that I'm fine most of the time, that I got it, but lately I can't hide it anymore. I'm so fucking exhausted and lonely. Anxiety one day came to visit and forgot to leave my body. People expect single mothers to handle it just fine, as it was my choice, my responsibility, gotta deal with it and not complain. Yes, but this is not what I wanted, not what I signed up for. And I'm doing it anyway, because I have to. I have to. But I feel like quitting everything for good. I get no support. Just constantly being consumed by all the things that would ideally take a village or at least two people as a team. But I don't have a village. It's just fucking me. And I'm tired, undescribably tired of my life, I don't even know who I am anymore outside of this survival. I literally forget months and years of my life, my brain is in flight mode, autopilot, I don't know how to fly anymore. I can't speak to anyone, everyone is busy and lives their lives. And I feel unbearably guilty for failing, for not doing it all much better. I'm just never good enough for anything. I'm tired of this fucking struggle of a life. The only reason I hold on is my child. He needs me. But since I got labelled as a shitty parent, I'm not so sure he's better off with me than his dad. I love him more than anything in this world. And it shatters my heart that having to do everything alone takes away that mom, that free time, quality time, that attention he deserves. I'm failing as a mom, as a partner, as everything. I don't know how long I can do this for, I don't know, I need help but there's no actual fucking help. I'm alone. So.. nevermind. Someone turn the lights off..