Fearless Starstruck @fearlessstarstruckdarkestsoul - Tumblr Blog

I dreamt that i lost my mother last night

and it was the scariest nightmare ever

the feelings is so real

i can still feel it

i don't want to face it ever in real life i dont want it to happen but i know sooner or later, one of us will go first

ma, i love u so much that it hurts

i cannot live without you

forgive me for all of my sins

i always pray for u

May Allah grants you the highest level of syurga

you deserve it.

i love you so so much

18-09-2025

not belong

i no longer belong here

yes, im the one who separated myself from them

but they just watching me go, letting me go

so they dont get the right to blame me for leaving

i always feel like im different

that even though we are family but i dont fit in

i never belong, how hard i try, how much effort i put, how much my own feelings i ignored

i will never belong

that's why i choose to stay far away

far away from them

that's why i never regret for leaving

i was forced to be independent like they want me to be alone

hahahahhaa i am now independent

i no longer need them

the loneliness i can contained in alone

how much it hurts, i forced to eat it

i am no longer dependent on them

so if i choose to just go

am i cruel?

18-7-25

I know why i dont want to get married

Because men are stupid and useless

exhausted.

13-12-25

in the end i choose to stay silent

18-02-2025

the burnt out feeling

sleepless night

not getting enough sleep

thinking abt work

so many things to do

even holiday season not going back home

the unwanted feeling

so many running thoughts

im so tired i need to sleep but

my brain just wont shut down

now im crying on my bed

22-1-25

hi,

it has been so long since i last wrote here

been busy with work, dont even have time for myself

nevertheless, writing here cause feeling like throwing this though running crazy in my head

you know previously i have a crush on someone then i quickly remove this feeling once i know he already has a gf

then out of nowhere, suddenly he pops out in my tt feed, like why? and now i again, having a crush on him, again and he's single now

ohh and why i suddenly have this crush feeling back is because the his perception on his future wife is the what i crave for in a man.

like wow, there's someone like his mindset exist. like wow. i'm amazed and i need to find someone like him

but imma potato and hes a sweetheart. like we dont match so i need get rid of the feeling again

huh, i pray that i found someone like him, with his mindset, with his look.

ok, just pretend that i'm fangirling rn. huh, i dont need this crushing and he running in my mind. i dont want. i know it's just a crush that will always be a crush.

16-12-2024

angry with everyone,

angry with myself

i think it's too much

maybe the burden is too much

maybe it's just me overthinking

i'm fine

too fine to even let things go

13-11-2024

hi, it's been a long time since i last wrote here

been lending my laptop to my friend

erm, not sure what to write, cause i keep feeling lost

not enjoying my work, feeling lost

i want to going back home and hug my mom but the distance and time hinder

i think i want to write more but i cant find the words

3-6-2024

Been days that I've cried every night

I'm not happy with my job rn

Is it because since start i doubt the happiness here?

I dunno

So sad

Like i don't know the actual reasons. But im so tired with this life

I just want to end this.

Just functioning is tiring

28-2-24

I don't know why I'm feeling so lost

Like I don't enjoy myself doing things. Nothing happen in this new job, it's all fine.

But myself, i feel lost. My car isn't in it best condition, I need to bring it to mechanic, but I don't know which mechanic to go and rn I don't feel like being independent and doing things myself

But I need to cause I'm here alone.

22-11-2023

Hi,

it's has been a long time since I update here. I've put my resignation notice last October and this November I'm here, new place, new working environment, new home.

Reading my past blog, I've been praying for leaving my previous job and now my prayer has been answered. Alhamdulillah.

But stepping into a new journey, there's new challenges and hurdles that I need to pass through. It's not easy, it's never will be. I hope I will be persevere and strong to keep moving on, cause I can't go back, I promised myself to never going back.

It's normal right not keeping up when u just started? cause I feel like so anxious and feel like i'm not meeting the expectation that my boss set. and i'm so down right now. waking up at 3 am, shower then turn on the laptop to do work but i'm here, writing down my feelings cause i feel so sad. like, i overthink much.

all those possibilities and thoughs, overthink again in my mind. the whispers in my mind is so loud that i can't focus. like how if my boss think i'm not meeting his expectation? that i'm not capable of doing things that he asked for? that he doubt my capabilities? what if he talked back abt me to others? those are the whispers in my head right now...

i know i overthink but how do i stop those whispers in my head rn? like i can't even make myself do it. it's so frustrasting.

I'm not complaining I'm just voicing out my feelings as I don't feel like telling anybody as I feel this is just a small matter, a regular thing that people who change job will feel, right? so, i keep it to myself. always keep it to myself.

it's hard but i know i can pass this. i can pass this phase. this is the things that i've prayed for so this must be good for me, cause Allah knows better.

Ya Allah, please ease my ways, please calm my heart, please guide me to right way. only You that I have and only to You that I pray to. There's no God except You and only You who can help me, please Allah, I need all your guidance and blessings and love.

Ya Allah, please ease my journey, please make things smooth for me, please make ways for me when I'm stuck. Please replace the negative voices in my head with zikr towards You and Prophet Muhammad PBUH.

Dear me, please keep moving, you can do this. we can do this. remember, we work as ibadah, lillahitaala.

17-11-23 5:04 am

I hope this september ends quicker.. Cause home doesn't feel home anymore.. I need my privacy back 🙃

22-9-23

Hheheheee

U know I'm so grateful for the small things that i prayed for are being answered instantly.

Those small things just made my day

Just thought of this one guy in my office building.. I haven't seen him for quite long time.. I thought his quit already.. Suddenly he just came out from his office

You know that just made me smile..

Like u just watch ur crush pass by in front of u... Hahahahhajaa.. I still remember the smiles that it puts me on..

Ahaks..

Just some sweet in the bitterness of the life

21-9-23

It's me waking up in the middle of the night

Feeling so overwhelmed and suffocated

Can't performed tahajud today so just lying down in bed

Ya Allah, again i have this unwanted feelings in me, the hatred, the negativity, the unsaid feeling towards someone

That i don't want in me..

Ya Allah, please take this unwanted feeling and replace it with sth beautiful

Ya Allah, You are The Most Knowing, please put me in a better place. If this place isn't good for me, please take me to somewhere better. I can't be here anymore.. I'm so sick.. Be here make me suffocated with this unwanted feeling.

I think it's time for me to go. Please take me away from here cause i don't want to be here anymore.

Ya Allah, you are the only one, you are the Most Forgiving, the Most Loving, please forgive me and grant me your blessings.. Please take me somewhere better, where i can find peace and serenity, happiness and blessings and surrounded with people who are closed to you.

Ya Allah, please forgive me...

14-9-2023

Oh I've just realised that i am alone

I don't have anybody

I can't depend on anyone, not even my family

Again, alone.

26-8-23

What to do when u feel helpless?

U can't rant to your family

U don't want ur friends to know

Ur relationship with God isn't strong enough

And now u feel alone

Like alone.

So helpless like u just want to die

23-8-23

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