FFA/BHM Story for your viewing pleasure.
Dating App
Him
I’m definitely not her type, but I swipe right anyways. “It’s a match!” Oh? Okay… My thumbs hesitate over the keypad. What do I say? Do I tell her? When am I supposed to tell her? What if I scare her away?
Instead, I close the app and throw my phone onto my bed. Forget it, back to work.
A couple hours later a notification pops up.
“Hey! How are you?”
Oh, it’s her. I message back. “Good! How are you? I’m just finishing up work.”
We message back and forth and share some banter. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much. I hate to admit it, but I used some old pictures. The face ones are more recent, but the full body ones…well, they’re from quite a few pounds ago.
“When are you free? I’d love to meet up!” I swallow hard, my palms instantly clammy. I haven’t been on a date since I started gaining.
“How about this Saturday?”
“Saturday is perfect.☺️”
Great! But…fuck. Do I warn her? That would be the right thing to do in case she wants to back out. It wouldn’t be fair to her.
“I do want to let you know that I’ve put on some weight since a few of those pictures, but I’ve already lost 10 pounds and I’m working on losing more.”
Five minutes, no response. That’s fine. She’s probably busy.
Then ten.
Thirty.
An hour.
At least I was honest. It would have been a lot more awkward doing this in person.
My phone buzzes and I hesitate. Do I really need to see her cancel?
“Oh, that’s fine! That doesn’t bother me at all. Thank you for letting me know. I can’t wait for Saturday!”
I breathe a sigh of relief. That went so much better than I could have hoped for.
Saturday
I offer to pick her up but she’s more comfortable driving herself, totally understandable. I get to the restaurant early and fidget with the napkins. Then the silverware. My drink. Back to the napkins. You’re fine, it’s fine. She said she’s okay with it. I repeat until I almost believe it. She walks in and smiles as she spots me. She’s even more beautiful than the pictures and my heart rate begins to climb. I hope she doesn’t think she’s making a mistake.
I stand up from my chair to greet her, outstretching my hand.
“Hi!” Her voice bubbles over and she reaches for a hug instead.
“Hey, it’s so great to meet you.” I gently squeeze back.
The conversation flows even more naturally than over text, making me forget how nervous I was. I hardly even notice when the waiter comes back to ask if we’d like dessert.
“What do you think?” I ask her.
“Hmm, do you like tiramisu?”
“I do! Clearly.” I laugh and place my hand on my stomach. She looks away, cheeks reddening. Fuck. I shouldn’t have done that. I can feel my face reddening too when the waiter says “alright, will that be one or two?”
“Just one.” I try to save face. “Thank you.”
“Wonderful, I’ll be back with that in just a moment.” I smile and nod, afraid to see her face.
To break the silence, I begin “after tonight I’m definitely hitting the gym tomorrow.” She smiled and in a soft voice goes “I think you look great.”
“Thank you.” I felt the blood rush to my cheeks again and didn’t know what else to say. I was painfully aware how tight my clothes felt and my stomach beginning to hang over my waistband. I’m not that fat by any means, but if I’m being honest, I like how the added weight feels.
I know it’s wrong…but since I stopped playing soccer I never stopped eating like an athlete, and the weight started creeping up…and I liked it. But she can never know that. I’ll lose the weight. She’ll never have to know.
The waiter comes back with the tiramisu and breaks me from my thoughts. She smiles, thanks him, and takes a delicate bite.
“Oh it’s so good!” She dabs her mouth with a napkin. “Try it!” She cuts off a piece with her fork and instead of handing it to me, holds it up to my lips. I freeze. Just be normal. This is a normal thing. She’s watching intently as I open my mouth. Before I can swallow, her tone changes from bubbly to something I can’t quite put my finger on.
“Do you like that?” And for a split second, I don’t think she’s just talking about the tiramisu. We lock eyes and my face feels hot. I try to swallow quickly so I can answer.
“Yes, it’s very good. Thank you.”
Her gaze is locked on me. I lick my lips and ask “can I have more?” I don’t know where that came from. It didn’t even sound like me. She doesn’t say anything, just nods and pierces another bite with her fork, holding it up to my mouth again instead of letting me do it. Our eyes are still locked. Neither one of us says anything. I feel dizzy, unsure of what exactly is happening. Am I completely insane or is she enjoying this?
“How is everything?” Where the fuck did he come from? I almost choke on my bite.
“Amazing. Thank you.” Her eyes go from the waiter to me, not once glancing at the dessert.
“Fantastic. Can I get you anything else?” She looks at me, clearly wanting me to answer. I almost decline. Almost.
“I mean, I don’t see how I can leave here without my own,” to which the waiter smiles.
“It is our most popular dessert! I’ll be right back with that.” What am I doing?!
Her eyes haven’t left me. Should I address it? Is this normal? What is she thinking? Was that a mistake? What if she didn’t want me to do that and I completely misread her?
“You okay?” Well I guess I don’t have a poker face.
“Oh yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about my diet.”
“It’s okay to have a cheat day.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“It’s bulking season!” She smiled, easing my anxiety a bit.
The waiter brought the second one and I asked for the check. She picked at her hardly touched tiramisu.
“I should have offered to split it; I’m full.”
I swallowed and answered, “you can take it home if you’d like.”
“It’ll be too soggy for me. You can have it?” She posed it as a question but her expression was hard to read.
I finished chewing, swallowed, and took a sip of my drink.
“If you’re still hungry,” she added.
I paused. “I’d hate for it to go to waste.” which was true…partially true. I couldn’t be sure, but the corner of her mouth seemed to turn up into a slight smile.
“God, this is so good.”
“I’m so glad you like it! Especially since you’ll have to finish mine.” She laughed. This is a perfectly normal thing. I just haven’t dated in a while, especially not since I’ve gained weight.
The conversation continued to flow and after I got the check, I walked her to her car.
“I had such a great time.”
“Oh my gosh, so did I.” Her back was facing her car and we were the only ones in the parking lot. It felt like the perfect moment to kiss her but I didn’t want to come on too strong. I was at least a head taller than her; I’m not the tallest guy but her petite frame made me tower over her. I felt even larger than I normally do and embarrassed that I probably looked it, too. I can’t kiss her. She was probably just being nice. After a painfully long moment, I could tell she was giving me the green light - glancing from my lips to my eyes. Fuck it.
I pulled her in gently, tilting up her chin and cradling her face in my hands. Her hands firmly gripped my sides, or more accurately, newly formed love handles, just above my waistband. Her lips were so soft, eager for me. She pressed herself against me as if trying to get closer, my arms instinctively pulling her in. She didn’t avoid my body like I’d imagined she would. She didn’t pull away from my kiss like I’d feared. Her small frame welcomed me and drew me in. Lips as eager as mine, hands clutching me. I don’t know when or exactly why I pulled away. She looked up at me with the most intense expression and then sank into me, tucking her head into my chest, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I kissed the top of her head and squeezed back, enveloping her. We stayed like that for a moment, swaying ever so slightly together. She pulled away to look up at me.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” Barely a whisper. She ducked under my chin again and buried herself into my chest, letting out a sigh.
After a moment I cut the silence. “You know, I was so afraid to meet you.” She wiggled out from my arms.
“Why?”
“Because” I started. “I haven’t dated since I started gaining weight. And I didn’t think we would match.”
“Why not?”
“Well, because you’re very fit. And I know I’m not that overweight but-“ I almost said something I wouldn’t be able to take back. I don’t know why I almost told her I liked it. I was so taken aback I couldn’t speak.
“But what?” She tried to make eye contact but I felt dizzy again.
“But,” I gulped. She placed her hands on my sides again as if to encourage me to continue. It felt so intentional.
“It’s okay.”
I didn’t say anything.
Her reassuring eyes didn’t leave mine. “It’s okay.” She repeated, and I believed her. Her thumbs latched onto my belt loops and I felt my face flush again.
“It’s cute when you get shy.” I could really feel the heat now.
“Do you like it?” I can’t believe I just asked her that.
“Like what?” Oh fuck.
“Um, you know, never mind.” I leaned back, away from her, embarrassed. What was I thinking?!
“No, tell me.” Her grip tightened on my belt loops. “Please,” she added in a small voice.
“Oh my god.” I took a step back and wiped my face. “God, I’m sorry.” I almost laughed at how ridiculous I was being.
“I do like it, though. If you’re referring to what I’m thinking.” Her cheeks didn’t quite match the color of mine, but the pink crept in. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard.
“You like…?”
“I like your body.” She admitted. “I like that you’re bigger.”
I was frozen. Is this really happening?
“I’m into what you’re into.” She stated matter-of-factly, but pink cheeks still giving her away.
She took a step closer to me and placed her hands back onto my sides.
I kissed her again, allowing myself to really let her touch me. I stopped sucking in. I guided her hands to my back and she squeezed. We were hungry for each other. Her hands inched towards my sides again and this time they slowly crept to where my stomach had just started to hang. A soft moan involuntarily escaped my lips and I felt her smile as we kissed.
